why is it that I cannot tell anyone how I feel? Even though I don't know how I feel, I would say...NUMB.
Because that's how society works. We focus on our own needs, and we all have our own perspective. They don't feel the pain and agony that you're going through, they have no leverage to aid you.
Have you thought of seeing a psychiatrist?
You can't let yourself beat yourself up. The best thing you can do is be you, Don't care what other people think, we live in a WORLD of judgement. that's just what we do, it's a sick world out there. But there's more to life by just having the mindset that you're just going to do you.
Easier said than done, I'm not going to lie, but the first thing you can do is just keep a positive mindset... think of what YOU want to do with your life, what career you want what type of education you want, and where you want to live.... and change the thinking
. Nobody is stopping you and if anyone were to stand in your way, you push past them like you'd kick a pop can out of your way on the ground.
Life is a precious thing, not one person in the world would say that it's easy, but why give up? There's so many fun things to do in life... if nobody understands you then keep your problems out of their grasp, they won't do you any good.
How old are you? Think about growing old... every time I feel down on myself, that life is tough... I look at the 70-80 year old men and women sitting at the local grocery store... drinking endless cups of coffee, talking about things that happened many years back.... not speeding, not getting mad, because they're not in a hurry.
Life isn't a race, and it's definitely not pleasant at times... it's simply what you make of it. If all you want to do in life is be a custodian... then be the best damn custodian south of Antarctica... it's all in your perspective.
Believe me, just as I believe you, You're rock bottom right now. the rocks and the cold wet ground you're currently on are uncomfortable.
Nobody said the hole that you're in is all that deep, so get out of that hole and accomplish great things. Don't do it to impress the family, or make them feel happy and joyful of you, that's just a sprinkle on a cupcake, do it for yourself.... be proud, but never satisfied.
Best wishes to you, keep us updated.