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Author Topic: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...  (Read 804 times)

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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2014, 02:52:48 PM »
I am feeling the most depressed in my life as ever, and now I am actually on antidepressant ?! Like there is nothing to live for, there is no hope that things will be better, that I will be better, that I don't deserve to have such beautiful girlfriend...classic depression. I have felt similar only few times in my whole life.

I was taking diazepam for 9 days 5mgs before sleep to help insomnia and then stopped. I doubt that I could have withdrawal symptoms mostly because I was taking klonopin for months, just stopped and never had problems.

I will call my therapist if condition doesn't improve.

Strange thing is, I don't even feel anxious now. Like I don't care if girlfriends is pregnant or not, if I have some terrible disease or not...
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Offline ColdHands

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2014, 03:13:06 PM »
Yes, you may be depressed, but I know after I've been on huge anxiety "bender"  I just get tired and don't give a crap after a while.

You get pretty sanguine about things and thing, whatever happens will happen, just because you've got to end of your tolerance for the stress.  This could be your body saying "ok dude, enough."
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"There is just one more thing that bothers me."  Columbo

Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2014, 03:45:52 PM »
Thanks.

Since I don't feel like doing a thing, I guess it's depression.  When you look at it rationally, I don't get anything from being down, my life is passing by while I should be living it. 

The most discouraging thought I think is "What's the point/Why bother?" and I am now thinking like that. When I was afraid of PPMS or ALS, I would think, Hey, go do some workout and then the thought would come Why bother, you will soon or in couple of years be dead/or in wheelchairs. Same now, go do something...why bother, tomorrow you might find out that you are a father and you don't have work so how will you support it. Or if we go for abortion, how after that will you keep your relationship with your girlfriend?

Usually I am perfect at finding new ways to do things if something stops me. I feel down for a couple of hours and then I sit down and figure out what should I do, I make a plan, and I am very motivated again and I feel great. But, when I have this What's the point thoughts, it's hard to find a viable answer for that.
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Offline Pyr

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2014, 04:41:38 PM »
I relate.  Oh boy, do I.  I guess my post heading would be similar.   I am in so deep and despite a slew of psychs and therapists and dr visits, I am entrenched that Im dying from something they can't find or that's developing.  I truly believe if they gave me a reasonable explanation (like oh, its just your thyroid), I would be fine in a split second (until the next crisis starts).

I have posted before.  I am in the middle of an ALS phase myself.  I dont fear diseases you can live with (like MS) but I fear the biggies and latch on.  Its been 6 months of hellish symptoms that honestly CANNOT all be attributed to anxiety, yet 3 neuros later, 3 brain MRIs, an eeg, emg, spinal tap and bloodwork,   I have officially exhausted every possible subspeciality except a podiatrist :))   I actually showed up today at an ENT begging to be seen b/c I thought the white spots in my mouth were tongue cancer.   I don't want him to tell me yes, but I feel so deflated after every visit because I have zero diagnosis. 

My symptoms have been so wide and varied and changing -  burning pain all over, muscle spasms, twitching, occipital pressure.   I have unexplainable things too, like involuntary swallowing and internal tremors while waking- with all dr's exhausted and no rationale explanation (except that I am 45 and have 3 kids and its possibly menopause), I always default to the neurological biggies, like ALS.   I was told mine was Benign fasiculation but I just can't accept it it seems so wishy washy.   Even after having an EMG, including tongue EMG, I still worry, that its "developing."   I really don't want to live the next year of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Hang in there. 
"
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Offline Pyr

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2014, 04:49:55 PM »
Oh, and just to add this.   

My husband is an amazing man but so NOT a believer in psychological weakness.  That has been challenging. I said to him I feel like we are in the woods and you are calling me and I am calling to you and we can't find its other, its a big maze.  I tried to explain it to him with this real example, which calls into play your question of the day.  "the day you knew you would never get better?"  The day I got out of the shower and the effort to pick up the body moisturizer was just too much effort." Its like things in your normal routine dropping off, and don't even think about going over and above and putting on a happy face. 

That was a defining moment for me. 

The fact that the meds arent' working and the physical symptoms arent relenting are killing me - I need one of these things to break and soon.  In 7 days Im off to disney with my kids for vacation that we have been planning for a year.  I started packing today just to force myself into happiness.  How come I still think Im dying!  Sometone tell me this is irrationale.  Sorry Hypo didn't mean to double hijack your post. :))
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2014, 04:52:52 PM »
Funny though... When I read your post I can say 100% you don't have ALS not even developing one, and I would even bet my house on it easily. I guess you could do the similar thing for my health worries when I would describe you my symptoms.

We rationally see things easily for others, but we can't fight overwhelming emotions that something has to be seriously wrong with us since we FEEL it.

I still believe, if I find the answer to that stupid question "What's the point of doing anything/planning anything if I have cancer, ALS or any other stupid deadly disease ?" it will cure anxiety/depression. Not to mention that I could probably write a self help book then and earn millions.  :laugh3:
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Offline Ineedtosmile

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2014, 04:59:24 PM »
step no.1 - Laugh (finished) :)
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Personal note no.23 - Think of some funny caption to put in here

UPDATE, 4th May 2015: Still haven't thought of a funny caption.

Offline Pyr

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2014, 05:51:11 PM »
"What's the point of doing anything/planning anything if I have cancer, ALS or any other stupid deadly disease ?

I TOTALLY understand b/c that has been my rationale for why we haven't painted the family room, why I can't plan things for 3 months in the future, and why I cry everytime I look at my kids bc I think I wont see them grow up etc, 

HOWEVER, as much as we think we couldn't do it if diagnosed (I imagine myself crawled up in a fetal ball as long as my ALS body would allow, drugged up on so much meds I wouldn't know I was dying even from the point of diagnosis)- a pathetic image and outlook when you see how bravely those who actually have ALS live with it and they truly LIVE and enjoy the little things bravely with dignity--  More than we are living Hypo, more than you and I are living at this moment in the despair of our minds. 

You would have to find a way to go on and you would.  Easier said than done and its pot calling kettle black, but the answer to Let go and Let God.  We have no control of the result, only our reaction to it.
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Offline anagargano

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2014, 06:02:04 PM »
Sorry to hear you feeling so bad....wld it be the end of the world if your girlfriend was pregnant? Probably not I think. I dont believe we HA sufferers will ever be free of anxiety altogether... but then nearly everyone has something they have to deal with in life and this is ours , yes maybe its worse then what others may have but its what we have and no amount of wishing is going to change that ....Im not sure medication really helps but i agree it can do something in the short term to calm us down if we are very bad. Its all about how we see the world , see our bodies ...its about being in control and yet most of the time we are totally out of control. How do we change the way our minds are wired ? That is the key....I accept this is me and I will go up and down ....doesnt mean I enjoy the downs any better...lol...its aweful......you are doing all the right things and keep going this slump will pass...they always do...
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #19 on: March 08, 2014, 04:54:34 AM »
So...I woke up today, wanted to cancel basketball, my friend called me to go to play pool, and just when I wanted to say no, I don't feel like playing, my girlfriend called me telling me she got her period and I was like let's go to pool, calling my friend telling him I am going to basketball, life was great after a second.

And now back to my topic title...I still don't have any idea how to battle these downswings when panic occurs, and it pisses me off.
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