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Author Topic: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...  (Read 437 times)

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Offline Hypo84

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The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« on: March 07, 2014, 06:42:24 AM »
...and it was today for me.

I've had HA for years, mostly very manageable. I would be scared of HIV, but it was like in the back of my mind and I would live fine mostly, same with Hepatitis. Then I freaked out because of some "symptoms" went to test and saw I was fine. Fear stopped.

Last year I had one of the major panic attacks with ALS. Went to neurologist he said I was fine and I calmed down. I decided then to start going to therapy. And I've been going for a year now. Last year therapist put me on Cipralex 20mg, I was on it for 4 months without any effect really. When a new symptom would come, tingling big toe back then, I got terrified of PPMS even when on meds. Therapist calmed me down and I was so-so then.

Another panic attack happened at the beginning of this year with again new symptom of what I thought is PPMS and I got terrified again. Rushed to neurologist on 1st January. He also told me he thinks I am fine, and that if I want I can do MRI just to calm myself down. Again I felt fine until I read in report she said I have clonus in feet. Terrified again...

Doc put me on Prozac this time 20mg, and 3 weeks ago I upped it to 30mg. I am exercising 3 times a week, going to swimming 3 times a week, playing basketball once a week. Taking meds, going to therapy, doing everything I can to stop this thing, and just when I think I am fine, my girlfriend has late period and I freak out again.

I managed to freak her out too, so now, I have a chance to mess up one great thing in my life I have which is my relationship because of this freaking condition I can't control.

Then it occurred to me...I think I am fine, until some major thing symptoms happen. It could be new strange tingling, blood in stool, strong headache or this. And then I break completely. And I can't think of anything other to do. Can't exercise more than this. I am taking meds, going to therapy. FOR GOD'S SAKE PLEASE STOP!

Just letting stuff off my chest, 'cause I am very discouraged.
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Offline Lara71

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2014, 07:23:25 AM »
Has the therapy and/or meds helped at all? If not, you might have to try a different therapist and a different med. I've tried several and I'm still trying to find the right combo. Although right now Viibryd and Abilify seem to be helping.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2014, 07:33:49 AM »
Meds like cipralex, prozak sre not helping at all. I never had side effects in the beginning and benefits later. Only when I would start taking klonopin/ diazepam, I think I saw changes but I am trying to use them as little as possible.

I feel great after therapy, but as for long term benefits, can't see them really cause these thing happens the same way always.

Doctor said exercising would help and been more active. Like I said, I am working out 3xweek, swimming 3xweek, basketball 1xweek. I am  way more active than average person.

Three days ago I felt awesome, I was returning from the pool and thinking how my life is awesome. And then this thing occurs and I become a mess.

From awesome to mess in a few days...that is what's discouraging me.
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Offline floridaguy65

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2014, 07:52:54 AM »
"The day you realize you'll probably never be fine..."

I hear ya'....been there...almost all of us have (many are there right now, believing anxiety will continue to dominate us forever). Through a a hyper mind, this can be what the future looks like. Doesn't have to be this way, as far as anxiety dominating us. Will anxiey likely be some part of our lives....likely yes. But, we can learn how to live very well alongside our mental health challenges.

"Doc put me on Prozac this time 20mg, and 3 weeks ago I upped it to 30mg. I am exercising 3 times a week, going to swimming 3 times a week, playing basketball once a week. Taking meds, going to therapy, doing everything I can to stop this thing, and just when I think I am fine, my girlfriend has late period and I freak out again."

Definitely keep on keepin' on with this stuff. Exercise is vital for HA peeps. Helps keep our minds in check. Helps with releasing 'feel good' endorphins. Helps us understand our bods are not failing us. Therpay is a wonderful tool. But, we MUST use self-help outside of the therapist's office. There are many techniques, actions, habits and mindsets that we can try to embrace that can help minimize anxiety / panic.

Ultimately, IMHO, you CAN control anxiety's dominance. This is what happens when we find our way to a lasting, viable healing path. Anxiety doesn not have to be the major definer of our overall well-being. Do we have to accept that it just might be a 'minor' player in our lives? Prob so. No biggie really. Of course, keeping our anxiety 'in the background' mostly takes time and patience and some levels of understanding. It takes major acceptance and the embracing of useful actions and habits. It also takes moving away from counterproductive measures that we tend to fall back into when struggling.....like too many Med Doc visits, too many med tests, googling, self-checking, self-diagnosing.

When struggling, we often believe we are stuck and we feel we have tried everything already. Most of the time, we simply have not tried everything. And / or, we just haven't given particular techniques and actions the proper time and practice needed. It certainly takes time, effort and patience (and ACCEPTANCE) before we can have better lasting peace. But, many of these actions CAN really have a positive affect on how we feel pretty darn quickly.

Perhaps, you can list (write them down) ALL the things you know that have been shown to maybe help with anxiety / panic. Everything is up for discussion. Nothing should be discounted. Writing things down helps, as anxious peeps tend to loose a train of thought pretty quickly when stressed or upset. An important part of a healing path is having a bonafide gameplan. And this sure doesn't have to be as hard or laborious as an amped up mind might think:)

Anxiety does NOT have to dominate you. Setbacks happen, also. All we do is get up, dust ourselves off and keep on truckin' with the same stuff that lead us to some good solace before. It gets better and better as we learn to accept and continue to do the right things (and NOT do the wrong things:)

Peace and Feel Well:)
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Offline Lo213

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2014, 08:02:36 AM »
This is how I feel right now. My anxiety has been especially bad for the last year, and it's really hard to see how I'll ever get out from under this. I want to go back to looking forward to things and being able to really relax and enjoy my life.
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Offline Ineedtosmile

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2014, 08:10:40 AM »
Hypo, you have always helped me, and you always have been the one that had control over everything, I know very good , thanks to you advices, that there is pretty much always a solution, no matter what, you just have to find it, just think about it, you have been keeping your anxiety relatively in bounds. i dont know what did you do to do so, but it worked, and if you managed to do so for that time ! Why couldn't you now ? You will manage to work through it , i know that :) It is hard, i know that better than i would like too, but it is going to be fine, you just got to bear with it :) you WILL be fine :)
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Offline terriberryfuller

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2014, 09:36:09 AM »
here's thing though....

you say you're not ever going to be fine because things keep happening medical wise. the issue is, nothing medical wise is happening. you're just going through what millions of us go through when it comes to HA and anxiety - physical symptoms begin to manifest.

i hope this helps.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #7 on: March 07, 2014, 10:34:13 AM »
I don't think at all that rhings will keep happening medicaly wise...I said new symptoms will occur, new rhings will happen like late period and my anxious brain will interpret them as something serious because it doesn't listen to rational mind when it should.

That's why I am going to therapy, taking meds, exercising...to reduce strength of anxious thinking but it is not helping enough.
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Offline ColdHands

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #8 on: March 07, 2014, 11:23:44 AM »
I can say honestly that I have been and still can be with proper motivation-you.

I went through therapy, but never took drugs.  I actually have a real medical problem now, and to be honest, though its horrible, it has been a relief that maybe all this time, I wasn't anxious, I really had something going on.

But then I step back and realize its just me.  HA is part of who I am, its part of my personality.  I don't fight it, I just try to live with it.  You have to treat HA and anxiety in general like a chronic disease.   Just as you take BP meds  or cholesterol meds, you need to treat your anxiety in similar way.

As they say to people with autoimmune disease, you will have days with sleet, days with snow, days with rain, days with sun and days in between.  You will have flares and times you feel fine.  You have to approach this disease the same way.  Know you will probably have days you will freak out.  Own it, deal with it and move on.  If meds are necessary for you, stay on them, talk to someone, post on here.  Just try to get as much reassurance as you can and try not to unload it all on people that don't understand.  I try not to talk about my health problems as much as I used to because, even now I actually have one, people roll their eyes because I've had so many anxiety attacks about stuff that never happened.

Stay strong.
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"There is just one more thing that bothers me."  Columbo

Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #9 on: March 07, 2014, 11:45:23 AM »
I can go off meds at any time since they aren't doing a thing really. I also agree that talking to ppl who didn't have HA never is rather pointless since they just can't get it.

Thank you all for your answers, I appreciate it very much.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #10 on: March 07, 2014, 02:52:48 PM »
I am feeling the most depressed in my life as ever, and now I am actually on antidepressant ?! Like there is nothing to live for, there is no hope that things will be better, that I will be better, that I don't deserve to have such beautiful girlfriend...classic depression. I have felt similar only few times in my whole life.

I was taking diazepam for 9 days 5mgs before sleep to help insomnia and then stopped. I doubt that I could have withdrawal symptoms mostly because I was taking klonopin for months, just stopped and never had problems.

I will call my therapist if condition doesn't improve.

Strange thing is, I don't even feel anxious now. Like I don't care if girlfriends is pregnant or not, if I have some terrible disease or not...
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Offline ColdHands

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #11 on: March 07, 2014, 03:13:06 PM »
Yes, you may be depressed, but I know after I've been on huge anxiety "bender"  I just get tired and don't give a crap after a while.

You get pretty sanguine about things and thing, whatever happens will happen, just because you've got to end of your tolerance for the stress.  This could be your body saying "ok dude, enough."
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"There is just one more thing that bothers me."  Columbo

Offline Hypo84

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2014, 03:45:52 PM »
Thanks.

Since I don't feel like doing a thing, I guess it's depression.  When you look at it rationally, I don't get anything from being down, my life is passing by while I should be living it. 

The most discouraging thought I think is "What's the point/Why bother?" and I am now thinking like that. When I was afraid of PPMS or ALS, I would think, Hey, go do some workout and then the thought would come Why bother, you will soon or in couple of years be dead/or in wheelchairs. Same now, go do something...why bother, tomorrow you might find out that you are a father and you don't have work so how will you support it. Or if we go for abortion, how after that will you keep your relationship with your girlfriend?

Usually I am perfect at finding new ways to do things if something stops me. I feel down for a couple of hours and then I sit down and figure out what should I do, I make a plan, and I am very motivated again and I feel great. But, when I have this What's the point thoughts, it's hard to find a viable answer for that.
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Offline Pyr

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2014, 04:41:38 PM »
I relate.  Oh boy, do I.  I guess my post heading would be similar.   I am in so deep and despite a slew of psychs and therapists and dr visits, I am entrenched that Im dying from something they can't find or that's developing.  I truly believe if they gave me a reasonable explanation (like oh, its just your thyroid), I would be fine in a split second (until the next crisis starts).

I have posted before.  I am in the middle of an ALS phase myself.  I dont fear diseases you can live with (like MS) but I fear the biggies and latch on.  Its been 6 months of hellish symptoms that honestly CANNOT all be attributed to anxiety, yet 3 neuros later, 3 brain MRIs, an eeg, emg, spinal tap and bloodwork,   I have officially exhausted every possible subspeciality except a podiatrist :))   I actually showed up today at an ENT begging to be seen b/c I thought the white spots in my mouth were tongue cancer.   I don't want him to tell me yes, but I feel so deflated after every visit because I have zero diagnosis. 

My symptoms have been so wide and varied and changing -  burning pain all over, muscle spasms, twitching, occipital pressure.   I have unexplainable things too, like involuntary swallowing and internal tremors while waking- with all dr's exhausted and no rationale explanation (except that I am 45 and have 3 kids and its possibly menopause), I always default to the neurological biggies, like ALS.   I was told mine was Benign fasiculation but I just can't accept it it seems so wishy washy.   Even after having an EMG, including tongue EMG, I still worry, that its "developing."   I really don't want to live the next year of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Hang in there. 
"
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Offline Pyr

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Re: The day you realize you'll probably never be fine...
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2014, 04:49:55 PM »
Oh, and just to add this.   

My husband is an amazing man but so NOT a believer in psychological weakness.  That has been challenging. I said to him I feel like we are in the woods and you are calling me and I am calling to you and we can't find its other, its a big maze.  I tried to explain it to him with this real example, which calls into play your question of the day.  "the day you knew you would never get better?"  The day I got out of the shower and the effort to pick up the body moisturizer was just too much effort." Its like things in your normal routine dropping off, and don't even think about going over and above and putting on a happy face. 

That was a defining moment for me. 

The fact that the meds arent' working and the physical symptoms arent relenting are killing me - I need one of these things to break and soon.  In 7 days Im off to disney with my kids for vacation that we have been planning for a year.  I started packing today just to force myself into happiness.  How come I still think Im dying!  Sometone tell me this is irrationale.  Sorry Hypo didn't mean to double hijack your post. :))
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