You see, this is a bit of a game that some of us with anxiety have played . . . it's basically emotional blackmail where the person with anxiety says, I get to make all the rules and if you do not fall in line with how I want things to go then it is your fault . . . please understand what I am about to say is not a judgement but I worked with women suffering from abuse and I am not saying that your boyfriend is abusing you, but emotional blackmail is one way that an "abusive" situation festers and continues . . . I cannot tell you the number of times a physically and emotionally battered woman would say "If only I was nicer to him, he wouldn't hit me. I am the one causing him to get angry", etc. Abuse comes in many forms as does emotional blackmail . . . it may be unintentional but it still has a negative effect on the other person. He wants you, but only on * his * terms but a relationship is just that . . . a give and take . . . if he has the physical symptoms that you describe, then he is not managing his anxiety, his anxiety is managing him . . .
No matter what you do, he will, in his anxiety, use it to exert more influence over you . . . you could be on call 24/7 but if you went for a coffee at the local restaurant for 15 minutes and he called, then you would be to blame for him feeling unwell or anxious . . . .in other words, the only way that this can become a win situation is for * him * to seek professional help . . . . this is not a situation where you can do anything . . . you've done it . . . there will always be another reason for him to act the way he does . .. if not exams, then the job, if not the job, then someone else or something else . . . again, I am not saying leave him but the minute a person starts to feel guilty, I have to ask whether the guilt is well founded . . . you have done nothing except support this person and right now, from where I sit, again, intentionally or unintentionally, this person is taking advantage of you . . . .
If you want to continue your sliding into anxiety and depression with guilt and a sense of inadequacy, that is * your * decision but consider the consequences . . . you are giving up your life to allow someone else to control and live it for you, to slot you in when it fits his purposes . . . if this is what you want, then that is your decision but make it an informed decision . . . .you can still support this guy but you need to protect yourself . . . otherwise, you will be wondering where your life went and why you are dealing with anxiety . . . look, love is great; fantastic; all the good things . . . it is also challenging but both people have to be engaged and accept that there will be rough spots but they have to do something to rectify those rough spots . . . not simply but the responsibility on to someone else . . . you are in a difficult position but, and this sounds like an old fart speaking and I am an old fart, but you only have one life . . . you get to decide what to do with it . . . .and until he decides he needs help and gets it and invests in the process, you will never make this a win situation for yourself . . .I have been on both sides . . . hard decisions, a lot of tears, but no regret . . . you have to be comfortable in making the decisions that are best for you . . . if your relationship is going to last, then it will last . . . you are not doing anything negative or destructive . . .he may perceive it as such because it means he is not in control . . .but it is your life to decide what you want to do with it . . .I really am sorry that this could not be a more positive post . . .but I won't lie about my position . . . again, though, listen to as many people as you want, but you have to be comfortable in your actions because you are going to be the person who lives with the consequences of them . . . you take care of yourself . . . be proud of what you have already done for this man, but don't sacrifice your health . . . take care, check in when you can, kc