Heyy, I'm Lynsey.
I am certain that for most of my life(me being 18 now), i have struggled with, in the least, social anxiety. Not long ago i went through a traumatic experience, i was around 15. I was diagnosed with anxiety, ADD and ptsd and had meds for all. I was in therapy for around 6 months and reached a state of mind i was very happy with. My ptsd was manageable, i conquered my anxiety and i was relatively happy. After moving from Wyoming to Arkansas, me still being 15, i dropped my meds and did fine for a while. After my 16th birthday and after starting the 11th grade, something went wrong. I started driving myself crazy. I couldn't get it out of my head that my mind didn't work right. I thought i was either crazy or mentally handicapped. I thought i had to manually operate my mind. Yeah it was weird. I had a really bad case of dissociation. I felt like i was inside my mind and my body wasn't a part of me. My parents just did not understand what was going on with me. I would cry to my parents almost every day saying things like "I'm not normal", "I can't think", "I'm going crazy". I was so close to getting scanned in a hospital to see if i had anything unusual going on with my brain, and my mom was so close to enrolling me in a mental hospital. Eventually, i was put back into therapy and onto depression/anxiety meds, specifically Zoloft. My therapy brought it to my attention to all those thoughts that i was obsessed with were coming from my anxiety. She called it "The anxiety monster". Things slowly got really awesome for me. I had a close friend and an enjoyable school life. I was slowly starting to feel normal again. So life went on pretty awesome. Until I started college haha. Things went nice for a few months. I did some things that slowly started to make me feel bad about myself. I really tried to change who i was. I go to college with a lot of southern students, since i live in the small farm town of Beebe, Ar. I tried to change my personality to fit all those southern girls around me. All this mental stress drove me into a small depression. I stopped hanging out with people and just stayed in my room(I live on campus). I wanted to return to that person i was at the end of my senior year so bad. I drove myself crazy again. Now I don't know how to explain how i'm feeling. My mind is a mess. As i write this, there are so many thoughts that fill my mind such as "You don't have anxiety", "You can't have anxiety because you don't have thoughts" and crazy things like that. I'm confused. It's like i'm having anxiety that i don't have anxiety. But it doesn't feel like anxiety. It feels like truth. I'm trying to relax and just live my life but it doesn't feel that simple. I feel again like my mind isn't normal, but i don't know how to explain it this time. Last time i knew exactly how i felt and it all fits into the category of anxiety. what i'm feeling now just feels like confusion and fogginess. I know i'm starting to not make sense as i reach the end of this post, but i'm just so frustrated right now haha. Any thoughts?