well, where do i start?
i'm 31 years old, and even though i've not been to the doctors in over two years, i **think** i'm somewhat of a healthy person. about three years ago, i mentioned to my doctor that my heart would start racing out of nowhere. the doctor did no tests, just asked questions. from there, i was diagnosed with panic disorder. because i have a medication phobia, i was not put on any medications and refuse to take medications as well.
as of late, i have had my panic attacks under control. BUT, now i've had HA rearing it's ugly head lately. because i have not been to the doctors in some time, i fear that there are underlying things going on with me that are eventually going to put me six feet under. i struggle with going to the doctor. i am not afraid of doctors, but i am afraid of going and them telling me that i have cancer or some other disease that's incurable and will eventually harm me.
because my husband is in the navy, i am alone 90% of the year. it sucks, but we are madly in love. he's very understanding of my thoughts, and has tried everything in his power to help. we lead a normal life, with the exception of the fact that i have also come to terms with the fact that i also have a touch of agoraphobia lately. i live a mile from the grocery store and ONE department store, and those are the only two places i go, mainly because they're all back roads that lead to these two places. i haven't been on the main road alone in well over nine months now. i fear red lights, because people are beside me and in front of me and behind me. at that point, i feel trapped. [trust me, the lights where we live? they take forever to turn green. it's pretty bad....even my husband agrees.]
i fear going on the main road because i am afraid that i will have an attack in my car and it will cause me to faint. i know that so many people tell me that during an attack, your BP goes up -- and fainting is caused by your bp going down. but me being stubborn? lol
anyways -- i enjoy the forums now. i used to only use the chat option here. but i have found that actually being able to talk about what i am going through on the forums and hopefully helping others is a bit more conducive to my well being.
on the up side of things? i am getting better every day when it comes to coming out on the other end of this mess. hopefully one day, i will be able to face my fears and go see a doctor. one day....