This has been the worst episode of harm ocd I've had since diagnosed 25 yrs ago. It's still about the love of my life my 11 yr old son. It has been a little better the past couple days but the nagging scary thoughts are still ruining my days and nights. 24/7. I am NOT like these thoughts in any way. I am a good loving family guy with high morals. I've never been violent and never wanted to be. I don't drink or use drugs. I've never been in any kind of trouble. The most important thing to me is my child. My harming thoughts are usually the what ifs etc. but I have also had I want to harm thoughts too. These literally make me question everything about myself. I mean here I am the guy wo is so proud of my son having the stupid thought I want to harm him. Then my ocd makes me analyze and question myself every minute of every day to the point I sometimes believe them even tough I know it's not possible. This leaves me so confused depressed and terribly shaky and scared. It's like my ocd has always gave me the false belief that what I think is true. Just like 25 yrs ago when I first had harm ocd about myself. It made me believe I wanted to harm myself. Then it moved on to my dad. I would have a thought about him and I would take it as oh god I want to harm him. Then that would be the obsession oh god I really wanna harm my dad. This would leave me feeling so scared nervous and emotionally destroyed. This is how it still works with my harm ocd. I have a thought and I get scared it means I want to harm someone and my mind takes it as a fear and thus the obsession takes the form if I want to harm my loved one. This leaves me scared and believing a false thought. Does this make sense to y'all? The thing I keep asking is why am I thinking this crap. I know it's crazy to think such things and it has made me avoid time with my son a little. I have all the proof I need to know that it's not real desires but ocd makes me doubt everything.
Proof it's ocd
1. I constantly analyze these thoughts 24/7
2. I have to confess each one to family
3. I google all the time for answers
4. These thoughts scare the heck out of me
5. I've never been a violent person out of 43 yrs
6. I've had harm ocd, HIV ocd, rocd, pocd, health ocd, etc at different times throughout 25 yrs
7. I love my child more than life
Proof it's not ocd
1. I have no proof it's NOT ocd
Does this sound typical if harm ocd. That sometimes ocd makes you feel like you believe things you know can't be true. That sometimes you feel so distant to everyone especially who it's about. I really need some opinions.
I meant to also say that when it leaves at night I feel like my old self again and I know it's all ocd. Then when it comes back it's square one again