So, this is my first post. I always read these forums for every day advice/motivation, but lately things have been so unbearable to the point I felt the need to publicly ask advice from others who have the same experiences.
Since I was a kid, I had always had very bad anxiety and just accepted it as being anxiety. When I was younger, I would have panic attacks whenever my parents left the house because I thought they were going to die, and I would hyperventilate, lash out, and eventually go unconscious from the surge of panic. It dulled off a little as I was going through grade school but was always there. Just a couple of years ago, my symptoms came surging back with full force and since then, I have been averaging at least one panic attack every single day. I started going to a therapist last year, and along with ADHD I found that I have been dealing with OCD since I was that young kid, it just wasn't obvious. My diagnosis states that my obsession is a fear of losing control, and my compulsions are rage/anger. You can see how we always mixed my OCD up with panic/anxiety disorder, anger management, etc.
When I feel out of control of a situation, my life, anything, etc. I use rage to try and regain control over whatever the situation is. This realization has really brought me peace in explaining my entire life and why I am and do things the way I do, but that doesn't help control my OCD. On a daily basis, I am tormented by horrible thoughts that can be about anything, the physical symptoms of panic (numbness, loss of control, hyperventilation, heart racing, etc.), and the constant isolation of myself by pushing people out of my life. When things are going bad, I have a panic attack, punch a wall or something (not a human/living thing) to get out of the panic, then feel humiliated or depressed depending on the situation.
I got a dog as an Emotional Support Animal to help ease my panic when I am at home, and it helped a ton and was able to start focusing on myself and bettering myself. But I didn't hit all the steps in making it official so it was kicked out of my "no-pet housing" which sent me spiraling downhill again. I turned down medication because I am nervous about coming off of them, and after being on anti-depressants as a kid I know that I become a zombie and lose all aspects of my personality.
My OCD has naturally pushed those I love out of my life, and I am having an especially difficult time right now in my current relationship with the love of my life. She has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and was the one that made me realize for myself that I needed to change and I signed myself up for therapy. My OCD and constant use of her as my punching bag is finally catching up and I am losing her more and more every day. She knows my problem, but I don't blame her for being at a breaking point because I wouldn't be able to deal with the ***** I put her through.
I am sorry for the lengthy history, but I feel like it is necessary in order for me to get the advice I need. I am tired of not being able to control myself, hurting those around me, and I can't lose my girlfriend. If anyone has any advice or is going through the same thing, I would really appreciate the help.