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Author Topic: Transgender OCD... Help!  (Read 979 times)

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Offline Ryan1788

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Transgender OCD... Help!
« on: February 26, 2014, 11:13:33 PM »
Has anyone ever had transgender ocd? Or tocd if that's what you wana call it? Basically I love being a boy and have never ever questioned my gender until I got an intrusive thought about being transexual which came out of nowhere one night when I was laying in bed. The next morning of course I got up and googled everything there is to know about being trans. I think one reason I worry so much about this is because I am a gay male and I've always been on the feminine side. Always had a lot of girls as friends growing up but never really wanted to be one. I had a hard time with accepting that I was gay but it didn't scare me at all. And ever since I came out 7 years ago I've always loved being a gay boy! I remember thinking several times that I would not change it for the world, despite all the hate that gays receive nowadays. But that's never bothered me, I just always thought hey this is who I am and I love it! But recently my mind tells me the reason I'm gay is because I'm actually a girl trapped in a boys body and this is freaking me out!!! I read that a lot of trans women never identified as gay when they were boys and they were always attracted to straight men. I never have been attracted to straight men, I've always been attracted to other gays boys and have always identified as one. And sorry if this is TMI but I think hetero sex is gross, I find gay sex much more appealing and have always enjoyed it. So sorry to be so graphic but just want to get my point across. Anyway everyday i worry that deep inside I'm a woman because I feel girly a lot, not that I enology wearing make up or dressing up in drag or anything but I've always identified as more of a fem gay boy cuz I love shopping (for men's clothes), hanging with my girl fiends or gay friends, going tanning, etc. A lot of ppl have told me I remind them of Jack from will and grace and sometimes I get offended cuz he is very out there and flamboyant. Which I don't mind but I just have never wanted to be seen as that type of gay and always wished I had a deeper voice and could be a little less girly but it's just who I am! I still worry everyday that maybe I'm trans and my mind won't shut up about it! Every time I look in the mirror I get anxiety cuz my mind says "you don't like looking like a boy and you really want to look like a girl! You want boobs and a vagina not a flat chest and a penis!" And I start freaking out and get panicky. I've never had any desire to have a vagina, they always grossed me out and ever since puberty I remember praying that my penis would get bigger cuz I was always insecure about the size of it. And to this day I still feel that way, well at least I did before my OCD took over and told me that I hate my penis. I'm so tired of this and I'm so sick of these obsessions. In the past I've been convicted that I had schizophrenia or on the verge of psychosis, that I was a killer, that I actually wasn't gay and that I was actually straight, that the illuminati was controlling all of us through music, and the list goes on. My brain needs a serious vacation from all these obsessions. I take 10mg of lexapro but it barley helps. And my current obsession about being trans feels so real and so scary. Everyday I feel more like a woman only cuz my brain is telling me I am one!!! All I want is to be the gay boy I've always been. I know there is hocd which people fear being gay which I completely understand because it is not always easy but honestly I love being gay and I wana stay that way! I DONT want to be a trans (no offense to trans people whatsoever, they are part of the same community as me and I respect them 100%) but I do NOT want to be one. I want my stupid brain to stop  telling me that I am and I want these feelings and obsessive thoughts to go away!!!!! Pure ocd has caused me a world of pain, just like any other sufferer. I'm in a deep depression right now because I feel I've lost my true identity. My brain says your crazy, then tells me I'm a killer, than tells me I'm a trans! Make up your mind brain!!! I just want to go back to the way I felt before ocd hit me hard. Just want my true identity back and I want my ocd to stop telling me I'm someone/something that IM NOT!!!!!! Any kind words would help. I know trans ocd is not that common but if you or anyone you know has been through it I would definitely appreciate any advise! Thanks
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Offline bluerose

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Re: Transgender OCD... Help!
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2014, 03:45:09 AM »
My suggestion would to be to ask your prescriber if you could go up to 20 mg of Lexapro.  Without treatment I have terrible OCD.  Twenty mg of Lexapro shuts off the obsessive thoughts for me.  It is amazing what forms our obsessions can take.  You sound like a well adjusted gay man.  I don't believe you are trans -- I believe that is the OCD rearing it's ugly head.
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You wanted justice, but there was none, only love.

Offline Ryan1788

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Re: Transgender OCD... Help!
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2014, 02:25:49 PM »
Thank you for taking your time to read my post. I appreciate the response! I did try 20 mg lexapro for a week but I felt "too happy" and it scared me cuz I was worried because I still had obsessive thoughts and I was afraid that I was actually happy about these thoughts which terrified me so I went back down to 10 cuz I wanted to be able to be "sad" about my thoughts again.. I know sounds ridiculous but I guess that's how anxiety works. I still have this trans worry and it seems worse in the morning. I can barley look in the mirror without my mind telling me I hate my male body which I know I don't but it is very scary. Hope it passes soon, I would rather obsess about anything else than this! It's terrifying to me.
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Offline Julie A. Cook

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Re: Transgender OCD... Help!
« Reply #3 on: March 01, 2014, 02:36:05 PM »
OCD, you have a lot going on, Sweetie, and no wonder you don't want to discuss in chat.  Are you in therapy for trans?  I would think this is very important.  How tough it must be to look in the mirror and see a man when you are in fact really a woman.  See, if I were you and the Lexapro was working so well, I'd keep taking the 20mgs.  I'm on Lexapro, too, 20 mgs, but it's not doing Sh1t for me.  But These antidepressants work on different people different ways. 

Are you working on the surgery?  I know it's an extensive process.  I hope you have wonderful friends around to support you, and that you have parents and siblings who embrace this change.  So important.  You can PM me anytime.  I'm dealing with fear and anxiety rightnow about leaving my home in PA to go bac to our home in FL.  OH boohoo for me!!!  But my husband simply doesn't get it and I feel very alone and frightened when I'm there.  Lots of money and very generous, but lacking the sympathy bone when it comes to mental disorders.
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Offline Julie A. Cook

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Re: Transgender OCD... Help!
« Reply #4 on: March 01, 2014, 02:40:03 PM »
You know what OCD, Ijust read your other posts.  I don't think your trans, either.  I think it's just your OCD and you haveto let this go..  Takethe 20 mgs. of Lexapro and forget everything I wrote in my previous.  You're a normal, red-blooded gay guy who is obsessng.  Take the Lexapro!!!!
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