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Author Topic: Excessive guilt - OCD or am I wrong?  (Read 641 times)

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Offline sparky

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Excessive guilt - OCD or am I wrong?
« on: February 26, 2014, 02:56:01 AM »
Hi everyone.

I'm a 25 year old gay guy - I have been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, which I believe (through research) to be OCD. My psychologist suggested that it is generalized anxiety, but I stopped seeing her and often downplayed what I was really thinking when I spoke to her. In hindsight that was probably not the best idea. My obsessive thoughts up until this point have been related to HIV. Becoming infected with it and infecting others with it even though I am negative.

Anyway - I recently started seeing a wonderful guy  after having been alone for quite some time. My HIV paranoia all but disappeared with him and along with it I believed so had my anxiety. The other nigh however, I found myself in a situation that made the anxiety flood back with full force - and now I am battling to tell if I am being irrational and feeling unnecessary guilt or if I actually did something wrong. The thoughts and situation have been looping in my head for the last 3 days to the point that I can't eat properly, I am not functioning at work and cannot think of anything else.

The situation. I went to get a wax the other night from a man who only waxes men. I've been to him before (when I was single) and I knew that he was overly touchy. I sometimes get an erection when he waxes or applies cream in my genital area - which I was informed by him was normal. I've confied online that this happens to a few men in this situation. He always seemed to touch longer than I felt was necessary, but it never went far or felt sordid and so I didn't think much of if. This time going to him was the first time in a relationship with my new boyfriend. I thought to myself on my way to this guy that if he gets too touchy I will just stop him and that will be that. He is cheap and easy to get to, so I figured it wouldn't be a problem. Anyway - after my wax he applied cream and I got an ercetion. I thought nothing of it as it has happened before - but this time he touched me longer than he should have and I didn't verbally react for at least 15-20 seconds before I gestured that it was uncomfortable by pulling my body. It started to feel good which is when I realized that it was a problem. He asked me if I am uncomfortable to which I replied I was a little and he asked why as this is what happens every time I come to him. After this he turned around and got more cream t finish applying - my erection had gone down by this point and I got off the table - went home and told my boyfriend all about it - except for the part that it had felt good and that I suspected he was touchy.

Since then I have been overcome with guilt. Why didn't I react quicker? Why didn't I actually say something instead of just pulling away? Why did it start to feel good? I feel like a disgusting human being and that I don't deserve to be with my boyfriend. He was understanding and told me that my body reacted normally and that the therapist was being inappropriate, but I hadn't told him that I suspected this guy was touchy and that it started to feel good.

Did I cheat? Is OCD telling me I cheated? I feel like I don't deserve my relationship or anything good for that matter and I'm getting physical pain from guilt and anxiety. It wasn't my intention to cheat and deep down I don't think I did. My friends agree I didn't but I can't shake the feeling that I could have  reacted quicker or more forcefully or not gone in the first place.

I don't want to bring it up again with my boyfriend in the fear that I make it seem like and issue when everyone has told me it wasn't and that I should move on but I'm feeling the constant need to lay out every detail and thought with him - in the hopes that he confirms I am a horrible person so that I can accept that and move one.

Sorry for the long post everyone.
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Offline Ryan1788

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Re: Excessive guilt - OCD or am I wrong?
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2014, 12:19:20 AM »
Hi sparky-

I can relate to you, as a gay man myself I have had the fear of HIV which drove me crazy until I finally got tested. I had to FORCE myself to get tested because I was terrified! Not that I had been sleeping around or anything but just because it can be scary in the gay community, and at the time I lived in West Hollywood where most gays are very attractive and promiscuous haha  :laugh3: but when I finally went to the clinic to get tested I was such a nervous wreck, I almost had a major anxiety attack while waiting for the test results. I was going over and over in my OCD mind all the worst possible things that could happen but luckily the doctor came in and said I was negative and I couldnt stop hugging her lol  :spineyes:

Anyway, when it comes to your guilt I do NOT think you should feel guilty AT ALL! This is a completely normal reaction that men (gay or straight) would get. If it felt good, of course you will be turned on. Even if it was a straight man going to another man for a wax, he would probably still get an erection from the experience. But that does not mean that he cheated on his gf/wife. Its a completely normal reaction! Even women probably get turned on when they get waxed lol. But its a normal human reaction and I think if you told your boyfriend he would probably laugh and say that he would feel the same way. We're gay men and men are horny! haha but it doesnt mean you cheated. Your obviously a very committed person and your just worried because you dont want to hurt your boyfriend! I bet he would understand if you told him and your guilt might fade away. Your not a bad person for having normal human reactions and you did not cheat! I hope you feel better soon and best of luck!
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Offline bluerose

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Re: Excessive guilt - OCD or am I wrong?
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2014, 03:36:53 AM »
Yeah it sounds like you probably have OCD.  If you do have OCD and your current obsession about cheating on your boyfriend (you did not) goes away most probably a new obsession will pop up to take its place.  I hope you are getting treatment for your anxiety disorder.  If it is OCD and is causing a lot of turmoil there are 2 basic treatments for OCD.  One is a type of Cognitive behavior therapy called exposure therapy and the other is treatment with SSRI antidepressants and one tricyclic also often works.  I think that one is called anafranil.  Before successful treatment I'd have guilt obsessions and then feel the need to "confess" to someone so I'd be reassured that I didn't do anything wrong.  Believe me that path is a trap.  Now that I take meds for OCD I can get off the endless loop thoughts and have some peace of mind.
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You wanted justice, but there was none, only love.