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Author Topic: My wife has anxiety, I want to help but I'm nearing an end.  (Read 491 times)

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Offline thisguy

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My wife has anxiety, I want to help but I'm nearing an end.
« on: February 26, 2014, 02:05:26 AM »
I'm at a loss.  My wife has some type of anxiety.  I'm not sure what kind and I don't know that it has been diagnosed.  She does take some antidepressants.  I want to help her and support her but I don't know what to do.  She seems to keep from wanting to do anything that might help.  I know I don't understand anxiety very well and I've never experienced it personally.  I have encouraged her to see a therapist of some kind but she refuses.  I have seen one for myself previously and am considering starting again.  I've encouraged her to come with me but she refuses that.  It kills me that I can not help her.  Every so often she asks her doctor to change her meds because she doesn't think they are working properly.  I think that she's relying on them and not dealing with issues.

A little background.  We've been together for about a dozen years.  She did have some issues when we got together but who doesn't.  About a year ago I found that she had done some less than honorable things with our finances for the past couple years.  I had just not payed any attention to it.  It was probably partially my fault that I hadn't seen it and stopped it earlier but oh well.  It's also the reason she was so positive about us moving.  My losing a job and going to school full time hasn't helped her at all.  She lost her job in light of this situation.  Since she told me about the issue her anxiety has soared up.  I have offered to help with the finances but she either ignores me or says I can't.  I do much of the house hold stuff.  We share the cooking.  She does a great deal with my sons school.  It's partially because she's scarred of what legal implications may come about from all this and is afraid she won't see him again.  I wish she would get some kind of job.  I've encouraged it but I with any of these things I don't want to be too pushy.  I don't want to be that person.  She mentions that the reason for anything is her anxiety or depression.  I know she struggles to get up everyday and bring our son to school but she doesn't do anything to help herself.  My wanting to or asking questions about what we can do generally gets her upset.  She tells me that I don't understand and it's not that easy.  I know I don't understand.  When I've asked what I can do she usually doesn't give me an answer.  The thing that bothers me the most is that she doesn't trust me.  She never really has.  She's always accused me of cheating on her.  At one point I started counting and got to 47 times before I stopped counting.  That was about 5 or 6 years ago.  It's never stopped.  In the last year she has either asked if she should leave or told me she's leaving 8 times.  I have begged her not to.  So far she has not.  I'm sure that much of this is to do with the anxiety. 

So I'm at a breaking point.  I wonder if it would be better for both of us if we weren't together.  It would stop that bit of arguing.  Our son wouldn't have to hear us argue so much.  I know he's affected by it.  He has to be.  Is it better for him if we were not together?  I just want to help my wife.  Any ideas.  I know I'm new into learning about anxiety.  I'm trying to learn.
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Offline CrazyCatLady

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Re: My wife has anxiety, I want to help but I'm nearing an end.
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2014, 08:45:59 AM »
It's a huge and honorable step that you're concerned about her anxiety and willing to learn more in order to understand what she's going through.

I think it comes down to her wanting to help herself before anything can get better. But people with debilitating anxiety sometimes cannot see that, therefore, they need that extra push to get them to seek help.  It certainly sounds like her meds aren't working at all. Is there a reason her doctor isn't changing her meds? If so, perhaps she should see a different doctor, one who will listen to her concerns.

You said you don't want to be pushy, but I think that's what she needs if she won't seek help on her own accord. Let her know how the anxiety is also affecting you. Perhaps when she realizes that she'll want to get help for herself.

I won't comment regarding the situation and how it affects your son. I don't have children of my own and probably wouldn't be of much help.
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Offline Stressed Jumper

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Re: My wife has anxiety, I want to help but I'm nearing an end.
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2014, 01:05:56 PM »
Hello!  I am a wife with anxiety married to a hubby with PTSD so here's my best advice: Do whatever you need to do (including being pushy) to get her to get help in the form of meds and therapy.  Unlike your wife I was ready to do anything to deal with my symptoms and more than happy to seek help.  My hubby was very understanding and a great source of support during that tough time.  Fast forward and I am now on meds and feeling great.  Not so much with my hubby and his PTSD...I had to beg, plead, weedle and cajole him for months before he would talk to a therapist about it but eventually my efforts paid off and the wonderful folks at Wounded Warrior have been helping him ever since. During that time our roles were reversed and I was his rock and we came through it all a stronger couple for the experience.

That being said, I think you guys might also benefit from couples therapy.  There seem to be some trust issues involved in this and having a therapist there to help you guys work through them together may help.  The key to my relationship is that my hubby and I trust each other 100% and therefore we can rely on each other without reservation.  A lack of trust can poison a relationship and will just make helping your wife with her other troubles that much more difficult. 

Good Luck and hang in there!
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