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Author Topic: My Story  (Read 269 times)

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Offline anonandanxious

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My Story
« on: February 25, 2014, 01:29:41 AM »
For the last 13 months, I've lived a lifestyle previously foreign to me. One might think said lifestyle involves elusive mystery or risque adventures -- but my tale is quite different. The last year of my life has involved considerable struggle. A struggle to explain, a struggle to repair, and a struggle to rediscover. Unfortunately none of these struggles have been successful and instead I find myself emotionally unraveled and exhausted.

A year ago I was asleep in my bedroom that I shared with my then girlfriend. I had fallen into a peaceful slumber with her in my arms. I was awoken by a loud crash from the entry way. Alarmed, I jumped up in nothing but my underwear and hurried to the front room to figure out what was going on. There stood a fairly large, stocky and obviously deranged man and beneath him lied the large, oak front door to our house. Confused, I began to ask "what are you..." -- but was interrupted by the individual's fist as it collided with my face. Adrenalin surged through my body, and I responded by attempting to tackle him from the waist. He resisted, kneeing me in the face and pushing me backwards. I collected myself and again charged head first into him, pushing with all of the force in my body -- this time succeeding in knocking him back through the open doorway. As I rushed at him, resuming my attack, my feet bare feet pressed over broken glass from the remnants of our front-door, but I couldn't feel a thing due to adrenalin coursing through my veins. The man managed to stand up just before I slammed into him again, this time knocking him down the front steps. He fell down 3 steps, slamming his head against the concrete below. I instantly saw the blood from the resulting injury spread from beneath him, but to my surprise the man managed to pick himself up and began to approach me again while yelling nonsense. I was immediately concerned that I had inflicted potentially mortal harm on my attacker, and attempted to convince him to stop while he limped forward, content on resuming his barragement. He couldn't be convinced and resumed his delivery of punches and kicks -- so I had no choice but to resume my defense. I again pushed him down the stairs and onto the concrete sidewalk of our front yard, where I then grappled him to the ground. The odds were against me as I tried to restrain him -- the guy likely had a good 100lbs on me, but somehow I managed to get my legs over his torso and my forearm on his kneck. Still, he did his best to resist and our grapple extended across the sidewalk, scraping my bare, bleeding feet across the pavement. My attacker continued to bleed profusely while I struggled to restrain him, and quickly my hair, chest and face were soaked in his blood.

The bloody combat continued for what seemed like hours when finally police showed up at the scene. The first officer told the two of us to stand up and put our hands on our heads. I complied immediately, but my assailant stood, screamed at the officer and charged him. The officer responded in a calculated fashion by tasering the assailant. The hulking, raving man fell quickly to the ground, after which a second officer restrained and proceeded to put me in handcuffs, simply as to ensure the two involved individiuals were properly restrained. As the adrenalin slowly subsided and I began to do my best to explain the series of events to the police at the scene, I slowly began to recognize the extent to which I was in pain. My bare feet were bloody stumps, barely recognizable. One of my pinky toes was clearly fractured, bent such that it veered away from my body, and both of my big toes were graced with large open wounds. A firefighter removed several shards of glass from my feet, advising that while gruesome, stitches weren't necessary. After about a half an hour of crime scene photos and recollections, I was finally permitted to shower, therein washing the attackers blood from my hair, mouth and body. That was, of course, after the police officer informed that I had been subjected to a "bloodborne exposure" and I should inform my doctor that I should be tested for any associated pathogens. Between the shock of the situation, the agony I felt in my battered body, and the anxiety of realizing that I was subjected to a deranged, drugged-out man's blood in excess I quickly fell into a world of anxiety. I remember sobbing uncontrollably in the shower as I washed my attacker's blood away, completely baffled as to how something so traumatic could have happened so quickly.

That was the beginning of the end of my normalcy. That evening was when my life -- my perfectly normal, happy existence -- came crashing down around me into a world of fear, anxiety and pain.

Fast foward 13 months and you'll find me here, writing this story as my foot throbs (which it does constantly). While you might look at me today and think that I look like a perfectly well adjusted, successful young adult -- what you don't realize is that I've seen 9 different doctors in the past year, watched relationships decay to nothing, lost the ability to enjoy the things I used to hold most sacred, and struggled with inexplainable, crippling pain that has all but nearly destroyed my once flourishing career. My life is now as broken as my body -- and both are seemingly beyond diagnosis or repair. I've watched as my friendships, relationships and finances have decayed into utter ruin -- and found that the only thing I seem to be able to hold onto is my fitness, even when any attempt to exercise involves tolerating excruciating foot pain.  I live each and every day in utter pain -- and all doctors seem to be able to offer me are powerful, mind-altering drugs which I refuse to accept as a solution.

What's even worse is that throughout all of this I've tried to stay normal. I've never let myself accept my new-found weakness, instead I've done everything I can to deny it. The result is that I've lost sight of who I really am. The once intelligent, confident but equally reserved adult is now a loud, showy buffoon. The drive to make up for my insecurities has made me someone I'm not, and I've watched as it's ruined my attempts to create new relationships and fix my ever growing lonliness.

A year later, all I can do is look back and wish I had stayed in my room. Life would be completely different, and I wouldn't find myself 28 years old, alone and in excruciating pain.

How I wish I could take my life back. How I wish doctors could figure out what's wrong with my feet, such that I could resume running, playing sports and the other things I love. How I wish I could take back the $15,000 in medical expenses that have deteriorated the savings I was putting away for a home. How I wish I could once again feel confident and sure of myself. How I wish I could wrap myself up around someone next to me again, confident that I'd have that person next to me for the rest of my life.

All I want is my life back.
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Offline tymommy

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Re: My Story
« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2014, 02:47:37 AM »
Omgosh im so sorry about this!how awful:-( did you ever find out if uou caught any diseases?  (U don't have to answer). What a brave soul you were! You're probably experiencing ptsd and anxiety. Gosh u poor thing ! How arr you now?
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Offline PrinceOfWorry

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Re: My Story
« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2014, 02:48:33 AM »
Amazing story. Thank you for sharing that with us. I also have begged the powers that be to transform my life into something 'normal' like my friends and family. I also have made decisions that have altered my life in ways that some might call ruination. But I also embrace the fact that what has ruined the normalcy I might have had has also given me an extraordinary existence. It is unpleasant sometimes, but that has given me a perspective on life that makes every little moment of happiness sparkle. Embrace the fact that, although your life is difficult and other than you had hoped, it is remarkable enough to be worth writing about. That night happened to you for a reason...

Please continue to post here. I want to hear more from you for sure.
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Offline anagargano

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Re: My Story
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2014, 03:37:41 AM »
I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. It is so not fair. You sound like you are probably suffering PTSD...after such a horrible ordeal...have you sought therapy...? If not I think it will do you much good. tke care
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Offline anonandanxious

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Re: My Story
« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2014, 02:24:47 PM »
I was cleared of all blood-borne illnesses (luckily) with testing up to 6 months out.   I'm lucky for that.  Though my anxiety surrounding HIV and other potential viruses still hasn't subsided completely -- I worry about irrational likelihoods like "what if" I'm for some reason some late converter, or my body does't produce the antibodies the test looks for  -- stupid stuff like that.

The thing I've been left with is perpetual foot pain.  My feet ache randomly and without warrant -- even sitting at the computer is painful.   I've seen countless specialists, and everyone chalks it up to nerve damage -- irreversible nerve damage that I'll forever struggle with.  The thing is, I've injured myself before -- ironically I've even injured my feet before -- but every time I recovered fine!  I've had injuries that seemed much worse than this -- yet somehow this injury leaves me with perpetual foot pain.  It just doesn't check out in my head, leaving me convinced that something deeper is wrong with me.  Something doctors can't figure out.

That's why you find me here telling my story -- and that's why I don't go a moment without wondering if I'll ever truly feel normal again.
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Offline greend

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Re: My Story
« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2014, 02:50:13 PM »
I am sorry that you have had to go through all of this.  It does sound like you are suffering from PTSD.  You will find a lot of caring souls on this site, so it's definitely a good place to turn to. 

I can relate to wanting your life back to normal.  I've had a prickly sensation on the skin of both legs for 3 years, and let me tell you it is difficult to maintain a sense of humour sometimes.  I'm convinced I have some kind of auto-immune disorder, but blood tests don't show that.  I've been through so much testing and everything comes back normal.  Mentally, I know what I do isn't right; I say to myself, I will proceed with life and achieve the things I want, once this sensation goes away.  Really I should be getting on with life until the sensation goes away.

Talking to someone professionally might help you sort things out.

I really hope you feel better soon.  Know you aren't alone.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: My Story
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2014, 05:36:23 PM »
I am sorry that this happened to you. Also agree that it is PTSD for which you most likely need therapy + meds. Your foot pain is probably nerve damage like doctors say. It is very unfortunate but the best way is to figure out a way to live with that.

P.S. Have you thought of writing carreer? That first post was exceptionally good.
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Offline anonandanxious

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Re: My Story
« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2014, 06:22:31 PM »
I haven't thought of a writing career -- frankly, I've always enjoyed writing, but until this didn't really feel as though I had something worth writing about. 

How I wish it wasn't nerve damage -- but I think you and my neurologists are unfortunately correct.  It's just...so hard to accept that this isn't ever going anywhere.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: My Story
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2014, 06:38:04 PM »
Although it is very unfortunate it could have be much worse. You could have contracted HIV, or some other disease, he could have killed you, or injured you even more...

Point is this...it happened, it is done...you know need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and wishing it didn't happen because it did. Figure out a way to live with this. Take some pain killers. Do the things you love that you can still do even with painful feet. Most importantly, go to therapy and start taking meds if necessary. You can still have beautiful girlfriend and awesome life, nerve damage in feet doesn't prevent that. Wishing that things go back before that event or that you haven't done that is not helpful. Think about future, shape it as you want, and don't get stuck in the past forever.

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Offline anonandanxious

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Re: My Story
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2014, 12:55:22 PM »
You're absolutely right, and I do my best to focus on that aspect of things as often as possible.

The difficulty, however, lives in that which we all on this forum struggle with constantly.   The continued physical pain, and the inability for any doctor to actually explain it.  I'm on this forum largely because I've also been told (like many of you) that my symptoms could have some origin in anxiety (or rather, get worse because of it).  But at the end of the day when struggling with physical pain without explanation, I can't help but feel as though there *must* be something wrong with me and that no person, no life partner should ever consider me as a potential mate.   That's why I don't even let myself begin to think about dating anymore.
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Offline greend

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Re: My Story
« Reply #10 on: February 26, 2014, 02:01:45 PM »
As Hypo84 said, you have to move on from here.  You can start dating if you want; nerve damage in your feet shouldn't prevent that.  I am not sure what that has to do with finding a potential life partner - many people who are in relationships have one health issue or another.

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Offline Hypo84

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Re: My Story
« Reply #11 on: February 26, 2014, 02:27:44 PM »
I can't help but feel as though there *must* be something wrong with me and that no person, no life partner should ever consider me as a potential mate.

Because of this way of thinking you need therapy / meds.

I currently have a beautiful girlfriend and I said to her few months ago that I have hypochondria and that I am going to therapy and that i will start taking meds. It was hard thing to do, because I was always the coolest guy around her, without any noticeable weakness, so opening up was extremely difficult because I was sure she would love me less because of that. Actually it happened quite opposite, we connected even more. She doesn't have any fear of illnesses but she understands that is an issue and she is glad that I am trying to fix that and she understands when I am sometimes in bad mood etc.

Point is this, what you wrote up there is completely irrational thinking and you need to start working on your anxiety because your painful feet are not stopping you from living the life you want and having the girlfriend you want. But me telling you this won't help that much because you have to believe it. And for that you need to start thinking more rationally and anxiety is stopping you from doing that.

So therapy + meds + exercise (which you are doing already) and you will be your old self back in no time.
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