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Author Topic: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.  (Read 442 times)

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Offline ambii.bam

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I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« on: February 22, 2014, 12:47:46 AM »
Hello. My name is Amber and I'm new here. I'm 23, a full time mom, and I have panic disorder, chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I feel like i'm living each day in a constant state of pain, stress and panic. I'm completely unorganized and I feel utterly useless in every way. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wake up wishing I could be less of a burden on my family, and that I could be a better mother to my little girl. I feel like my whole world is falling apart more each day and it's as if no one understands.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 18 after dropping out of school from pure exaustion and several failed attempts to hold down a job because I couldn't bear to be on my feet for more than an hour at a time. At 19 I was officially diagnosed with chronic migraine with aura, though I have been having migraines for as long as I can remember. And most recently at the age of 21 I was diagnosed with panic disorder when I began having panic attacks randomly with no known cause. Over time I have been able to identify some triggers, and naturally I have learned to avoid those triggers, but now on top of being isolated due to pain and fatigue i'm winding up at home every single day without human interaction from anyone aside from my husband and my 2 yr old, because I can no longer handle the stress of crowds, or dealing with any kind of drama or emotional turmoil.

I used to be such a strong person, but I feel like I have lost myself completely and I don't even know who I am anymore. There was a point in my life where I thought I could conquer the world, but now it's a battle just getting up out of bed in the morning. I try my hardest to remain positive. I try to look at my family and remind myself how lucky I am to have the two of them in my life.  But there is always that lingering thought in the back of my mind saying how long will they be enough, before I start to miss the outside world? If this panic disorder is going to take away my freedom, how will I get along when someday I look at the two of them and realize I want more than what they can offer, and how is that going to affect my relationship with them?

I was the "class clown", the one everyone wanted to be around. I never thought anything like this could happen to me. I loved people, I loved talking to people, and just getting to know anyone who came around. But I guess over the years, I stop being able to trust them. I lost people in my life whom I loved very much, as many people do, and I took it very hard. Losses that I never really dealt with. I've been hurt, molested, taken for granted, homeless and stabbed in the back by the very people I tried to protect and gave my trust to freely.

The part that really gets me is how suddenly the panic came on. I had never had a panic attack before since I was a young child with asthma. I was just sitting on my bed watching a movie, when all of a sudden my whole body felt like it was burning up and I felt like I couldnt breathe. I made my husband rush me to the emergency room, where they did all kinds of tests, and finally came to the conclusion that what I had had was a panic attack. I thought "that can't be!" I was so sure that I was dying, that I would have bet my life on it right then and there. But they gave me ativan and lo and behold, 15 minutes later I felt good as new. I was discharged, went home and slept for almost 24 hours straight. over the next few weeks I had so many panic attacks that I swore i was going crazy, until the zoloft started taking effect.

Now it's just avoiding everything that triggers them, so basically anything stressful, and taking ativan every couple days or so and having to sleep for 12 or more hours in the middle of the day.

I worry all the time that i'll have one when i'm home alone with my daughter, and who will watch her if I have to take my ativan. Or if I get a migraine and pass out again. But my husband has to work, and we don't have the money to pay for a baby sitter. So I pretty much keep my phone on me 24/7 and if I think for even a second it's getting to a dangerous point I call my mom and she picks up my daughter and I go to bed. It makes me feel like a really bad mom....

Anyway...that's my story
. So Stressed
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Offline pauluk46

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Re: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2014, 04:21:40 PM »
I know your pain oh so well. When you wake up within minutes the anxiety kicks in and all you want to do is sleep. The thinking bit is bad and being stuck in the anxiety cycle is crap. For me I think when if I recover Will one day will it come back or will I mistake an attack for something not related to anxiety. It's a pity we were someone totally different instead of this dread all the time. Fingers crossed we all recover and live as we are supposed to as nature intended.
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Offline Julie A. Cook

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Re: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2014, 09:57:52 AM »
You are so closeto getting back to your self.  One day, you're going to start having normal feelings again.  Little by little.  Talking and medication help.  You are youngand you will be yourself again, honey.  Just hang tough.  Gather small moments of relief andjoy where and when you  can, and they start to grow.  I am with you in your current suffering, but have gotten out of it several times in my life.  You will, too.

I'm praying for you.

Julie
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Online tinam7

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Re: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2014, 11:50:20 AM »
Maybe I'm wrong, but I see this as a problem created by the current times which distorts reality and fails to enable people to develop an inner sense of self. There is nothing to fall back on.

Raising your little girl, supporting your husband is quite good enough is, in fact, excellent. But it just is not enough. Perhaps a therapist can help you with CBT along with your meds. Your life is just beginning as you learn, grow, and turn into a friend to yourself. Wishing you all the best.
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Offline terri

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Re: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2014, 10:27:56 PM »
i think you'll find that a lot of us go through the same thing when it comes to panic attacks. stay here on the forums or in chat - and you'll find some comfort in knowing that you're not alone.
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Offline ambii.bam

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Re: I'm New: Panic Disorder, I feel like my life is over.
« Reply #5 on: March 08, 2014, 10:55:54 PM »
It took me a while to get back on here and respond to all of you. I want to give my sincere thanks to each and every one for the kind words and support. I do plan on sticking around here as im hoping it will do me good to talk to others who share my experiences and understand what im going through. And it is a huge relief to see that others have found their way out of it at one point or another, even if you did fall back into it.. at least it goes to show there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I love my family more than any words can describe, but I fear that the way I have begun to rely on them for all my social needs will someday cause me to resent them when they cant fulfill them completely anymore. My fear is simply due to knowing that no one person can or should be held responsible for the mental and emotional needs of another and that as humans we rely on contact with other humans, its not healthy for me to be so secluded...yet I find myself more and more isolated as the days go by because going out just seems so "scarey" even though I know deep down its silly...I just cant shake the fear and anxiety.

I have managed however, at least as a starting point, to begin allowing the panic attacks to take over when they happen. Ive come to the conclusion that I cannot fight them. Im trying my best to accept them, to allow the fear to do its thing and understand that im just along for the ride. Im hoping that by convincing myself that no amount of fight or panic is going to save me will allow my mind to get through it to eventually realize that it was never going to hurt me to begin with. In hindsight the very idea of a panic attack just seems so irrational, so how do you rationalize with a disorder that has no clear cause, start or end? Its a hard one to figure out thats for sure. Something that can convince you beyond all reason that you are going to die, yet all the while you know you arent. Its so strange.
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