Hello. My name is Amber and I'm new here. I'm 23, a full time mom, and I have panic disorder, chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. I feel like i'm living each day in a constant state of pain, stress and panic. I'm completely unorganized and I feel utterly useless in every way. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wake up wishing I could be less of a burden on my family, and that I could be a better mother to my little girl. I feel like my whole world is falling apart more each day and it's as if no one understands.
I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia at 18 after dropping out of school from pure exaustion and several failed attempts to hold down a job because I couldn't bear to be on my feet for more than an hour at a time. At 19 I was officially diagnosed with chronic migraine with aura, though I have been having migraines for as long as I can remember. And most recently at the age of 21 I was diagnosed with panic disorder when I began having panic attacks randomly with no known cause. Over time I have been able to identify some triggers, and naturally I have learned to avoid those triggers, but now on top of being isolated due to pain and fatigue i'm winding up at home every single day without human interaction from anyone aside from my husband and my 2 yr old, because I can no longer handle the stress of crowds, or dealing with any kind of drama or emotional turmoil.
I used to be such a strong person, but I feel like I have lost myself completely and I don't even know who I am anymore. There was a point in my life where I thought I could conquer the world, but now it's a battle just getting up out of bed in the morning. I try my hardest to remain positive. I try to look at my family and remind myself how lucky I am to have the two of them in my life. But there is always that lingering thought in the back of my mind saying how long will they be enough, before I start to miss the outside world? If this panic disorder is going to take away my freedom, how will I get along when someday I look at the two of them and realize I want more than what they can offer, and how is that going to affect my relationship with them?
I was the "class clown", the one everyone wanted to be around. I never thought anything like this could happen to me. I loved people, I loved talking to people, and just getting to know anyone who came around. But I guess over the years, I stop being able to trust them. I lost people in my life whom I loved very much, as many people do, and I took it very hard. Losses that I never really dealt with. I've been hurt, molested, taken for granted, homeless and stabbed in the back by the very people I tried to protect and gave my trust to freely.
The part that really gets me is how suddenly the panic came on. I had never had a panic attack before since I was a young child with asthma. I was just sitting on my bed watching a movie, when all of a sudden my whole body felt like it was burning up and I felt like I couldnt breathe. I made my husband rush me to the emergency room, where they did all kinds of tests, and finally came to the conclusion that what I had had was a panic attack. I thought "that can't be!" I was so sure that I was dying, that I would have bet my life on it right then and there. But they gave me ativan and lo and behold, 15 minutes later I felt good as new. I was discharged, went home and slept for almost 24 hours straight. over the next few weeks I had so many panic attacks that I swore i was going crazy, until the zoloft started taking effect.
Now it's just avoiding everything that triggers them, so basically anything stressful, and taking ativan every couple days or so and having to sleep for 12 or more hours in the middle of the day.
I worry all the time that i'll have one when i'm home alone with my daughter, and who will watch her if I have to take my ativan. Or if I get a migraine and pass out again. But my husband has to work, and we don't have the money to pay for a baby sitter. So I pretty much keep my phone on me 24/7 and if I think for even a second it's getting to a dangerous point I call my mom and she picks up my daughter and I go to bed. It makes me feel like a really bad mom....
Anyway...that's my story.