I don't exactly know how to begin explaining this 'issue' but i'll try to give some background to see if it helps make sense of anything. I was in a really bad and unhealthy relationship when i was 15 for about a year and he was the first guy that i had literally opened up to about every single thing and we were young and dumb and he took advantage of it. we were horrible to each other and he would do things like force me to have sex or else he would threaten to give me the silent treatment etc. at one point my own cousins were even turned against me along with a couple of my own friends. i'm still unsure if he's the cause behind all of these relationship difficulties or if it has to do with the way i was brought up as well. i've never been close with my dad and he suffers from ADHD along with probably a bunch of other anxiety issues as well. we used to fight A LOT when i was a child (thankfully its mellowed out now that i'm 24) and a lot of my memories are of him yelling at me for the dumbest things. he definitely has control issues and i would get in trouble for things that anyone else would consider just a normal part of growing up.
i've had two relationships since that one when i was 15 and both ended in their own awkward way. one of them i jumped head first into and i found out later on we just weren't right for each other and the second was with a close friend for about 6 months off and on (this guy was almost exactly like a clone of my dad too, thank god i got out of there). currently i've been seeing a new guy for a few months (only 1 month officially) and it's been bringing up A LOT of issues.
A lot of the time i feel as if i'm not even there, that i've sunk into the back of my head with all the worries and insecurities telling me all of the thing that are wrong and how it won't last and how i shouldn't be with him. he's extremely supportive, caring, and thoughtful. he's almost 4 years younger than me and that just in itself makes me question whether this will work out or not. it's like i have to really really fight with myself to remain present and there have only been a few moments where i've felt completely lucid in the moment with him and i've been so happy in those few times but then it all just goes back into a vicious cycle of self doubt and wanting to run away from all of this. in the very beginning of all this i used to feel almost nauseous and sick to my stomach with the thought of being in a relationship. i couldn't even hear my mom bring up the word boyfriend or tell her about the cute things he does without feeling like i was going to gag. that weird feeling stopped for a while (probably because i slipped back into the hell hole that is my mind). a couple nights ago i started researching CBT since i saw someone on here mention it and one part of it said to focus all of your energy into what you are doing at that moment and so i was looking through pictures of instagram and there was one of my boyfriend on a camping trip he's on right now and that gagging feeling came back in full force to the point where i felt like i was going to throw up on my laptop. I can even feel it now while i'm typing this. i have no idea why this has been happening so i figured i'd ask to see if anyone knows what this is or how to deal with it.
(ps. i also have a really hard time accepting the bf/gf labels. it's easier to say he's NOT my boyfriend)