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Author Topic: Someone please reply. I'm in a bad way  (Read 426 times)

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Offline ridgerunner

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Someone please reply. I'm in a bad way
« on: February 20, 2014, 03:06:16 PM »
My harm o about my child is still tearin me to pieces. I am stuck on the thought I want to harm my child.  Just in that context.  He's 11 and just one of the loved ones I have done this about.  I should be used to it and not get scared seein how many times I've been through various types of ocd.  Does y'all's ocd have a comeback for every reassuring thought you can come up with?  Mine does for example.  I'll think ppl don't act on their ocd and it comes back with yeah but you really want too then my anxiety spikes again.  Then I'll think well I've been through this tons before and have never harmed a hair on anyone and then ocd will say yeah but your thoughts have never been I want to before. When yes they have.  Or it's like ocd makes me think the very thoughts that keep me in turmoil.  Another thing is when I'm this way when I look at my child who I would literally die for I automatically think you want to harm him.  It makes me feel so bad and guilty.  Then it goes as for as to try and convince me that the thoughts don't bother me or makes me wonder if they are wanted or unwanted.  It's crazy.  Seein how I'm a nervous wreck who is so guilt ridden and depressed and I pray every night for healing of these thoughts.  It's plain to see that they truly distress me and are unwanted.  I'm just asking y'all if this sounds familiar to y'all.  Do your fears ever make you scared it's not ocd.  I've had it for 25 yrs and it's always the same no matter if it's harm pocd. Rocd. Relationship ocd.  The feelings of anxiety and sadness are always  the same. 
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Offline sdd

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Re: Someone please reply. I'm in a bad way
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2014, 08:41:50 PM »
First of all ((HUGS))!

I have pure O OCD and have been exactly where you are MANY times.  The worst was after my 2nd child was born and when I was pregnant with my 3rd (and this was 7 years apart!).  I've also feared harming my parents (when I lived at home), my husband's family (right before we were married) and my husband. 

To me, even though we don't suffer with the compulsions (except for ruminating in our minds), this is one of the worst forms OCD can take.  When you fear yourself, it is hell. 

At my worst, I called my psychiatrist that I had just started seeing a few weeks before and told her I was afraid I really did want to harm my baby.  She, very calmly said, "No you won't."  I said "But what if I do?"  She said, "If I thought you were any risk to your baby at all, do you think I would be just trying to calm you down over the phone right now and not calling the police and/or trying to get you to go to the ER?"  It hit me...she could see what I couldn't.  This thing that I feared, I would never, ever do.  She told me "People with OCD are typically the safest people on the planet.  Because even the tiniest thought of doing something terrible produces awful panic and anxiety.  They are the least likely to ever act on it."  And you know, she was right. 

I know in your current state your OCD is throwing the "But what if" stuff at you.  Making you think that maybe you really might do it.  But you won't.  I promise.  You won't. 

By the way, my 2nd child is 10 years old now.  I have 3 kids and my OCD doesn't center around harming them anymore.  I have other fears that creep up, but I would rather it take that form any day!

If you need to talk at all, let me know!

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Offline tinam7

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Re: Someone please reply. I'm in a bad way
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2014, 07:02:18 AM »
This is a wonderful post which verifies from a professional that we generally do not act on the craziness, even if it is Pure O.

So thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge.
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Offline bluecanary

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Re: Someone please reply. I'm in a bad way
« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2014, 04:17:01 PM »
Hi Ridge,

I'm so sorry you're going through this - speaking from personal experience, harmful OCD thoughts are the worst to have, in my opinion. I've always been afraid to tell the therapists I've seen about this part of my OCD, even though it's a well-known symptom, because I'm afraid that they'll think I'm actually going to hurt someone and lock me up. But yes, in my experience, OCD often has a retort for every reassuring thought I try to come up with. I tend to like true crime shows (Forensic Files and that sort of thing) and have a little bit of a fascination with cemeteries, so my OCD often uses these as weapons against me - "You must be some kind of sicko to be interested in that type of stuff. Trying to pick up tips so you can get away with murder, eh?" Most of the time I just avoid those kinds of TV shows altogether now, because the OCD in me always tortures myself about it. But deep down, if I'm being realistic, I know I haven't got it in me to hurt anyone or anything. Just this morning, I was thinking about the day I had to have my dog put to sleep, and I was almost in tears about it - I don't think that's the sort of reaction that a person with harmful or homicidal tendencies would have.

SDD - thanks for sharing what your therapist said. It feels reassuring to hear things like that. If you don't mind my asking, how did you get over the harmful thoughts?
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