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Author Topic: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)  (Read 890 times)

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Offline Momee

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Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« on: February 17, 2014, 06:41:15 PM »
Anxiety but something embarrassing...

by momee146, 3 hours
Hi & thanks for reading. I have had anxiety for about 18 yrs on and off.
The OFF part happens when I feel great and lower my dose of medication then go back to very bad anxiety, then when I raise the medication dose it takes a while but always got back to normal. You would think after so long a person would learn! Ok so I am about 5 weeks in with raising my dose because of another attempt at lowering it. Each week has beens touch better but it feels like (well I have this worry) that it will not go back to normal this time even though it has the other 5 times.
Just to be clear, I am not looking on how to get off of the medication, I won't go through that again.
So here is the embarrassing part of my anxiety.....whenever I have the relapses, part of it is feeling so much shame for something my sister And my husband say it soooooo silly to care about......everyone has done or does it.......I hate saying the word even.....masturbate! Gaaahh.
when I was a preteen/teen. For some reason when I have these relapses, this is something  that creeps up and makes me feel bad, gross, dirty.....then I start hating myself. I didn't do anything abnormal, I know this for sure, but why does this bother me so bad to te point of me wanting to throw up? It really is the only thing that "bad" that I have done in my life (I'm 32 by the way, female).

Is it really just the anxiety making me look for something to worry about? I know that the thoughts seems way more terrible when I have a relapse but it feels like the thoughts won't go away, even tho they have in the pat.
anyone had the same thing happen?

I guess I am just looking for some reassurance.

Thanks
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Offline JZK

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2014, 07:39:25 PM »
Hi, Momee.  My anxiety's been on and off for years too, currently "on" 24/7 since the fall.  I take an anti-anxiety med prn.  Your hubby's right--just about everyone's done it.  I even do it in front of my husband (TMI maybe).  Anyway, I dwell on all the mistakes I've made in my life  during anxious periods, but I am ashamed of actually sleeping around so much, not masturbating.  I would have been better off doing just that.  But for some reason, that's your shame; everyone has his/her own regrets.  No one can change how you feel, and what you feel isn't wrong.  It's just you.  When anxiety is high, every terrible feeling is magnified, at least for me.
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2014, 11:53:02 AM »
Thanks for writing back. Yes I think things are magnified for me too, even though I know this in the back of my mind, I feel like it's a lie because of the anxiety I feel.
When your not having anxious episodes, how do you feel about your shame? Can you let it go?
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Offline JZK

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2014, 07:08:14 PM »
No matter how I feel, up or down, I'll forever feel guilty about being with the married men.  It's not that I'm ashamed of the others; it's the reason behind it.  I've got body dysmorphic disorder, in spite of always being able to attract men.  I compare myself daily to models and beautiful women I see.  Sleeping with men made me feel, for the moment, sexy and desirable.  I'm ashamed of thinking so low of myself that no one could love me for me.  I felt that I was good for only one thing.  So when I'm not anxious, I'm still despising my appearance but not thinking about the sleeping around.  I wish I could get over this, but I know I never will.  I'm just wondering what's causing your particular shame.  Are you thinking it's a sin? 
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2014, 12:14:09 PM »
I'm going to send you a private message if thats ok, Maybe we can chat more?
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Offline Julie A. Cook

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2014, 05:54:54 PM »
I'm in the same boat.  Havehad bad anxiety pon and offmy entire life.  I came through several wonderful yearswith Zooft, then it stopped working. I don't currently regret anything I'vedone in my life, but I strugle with the control my mother and husband have over me.  II'm my husband's third wife.  A great guy, but very needy.  My mother is 84 and very needy.  I also have a 30 year old daughter who has two children and is very needed.  Needlessto say, just oneI wantsomeone to take care of me. 

Currently on Lexapro (20 mgs.) and taking klnopin as needed. TOday was a bad day, but I keep pushing.  Hang in there.  We all go through bad periods but eventually come out of them.  I try to to be mindful ofthe good things in my life and knowthat this too shall pass.

I do so enjoy the chat room and have made wonderful friendsthere.
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2014, 10:18:42 AM »
Thanks for your reply Julia. I wish I had some advice for your situation.

Is there anyone else who reads this post able to respond? Thanks much appreciated
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Offline JZK

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2014, 01:00:33 PM »
Hi, Momee.  Yes, please feel free to send me a private message anytime!
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2014, 06:27:46 PM »
I tried twice and I somehow erased it both times before it sent! It was long lol I'll msg you later tonight :)
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Offline JZK

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2014, 07:11:40 PM »
I haven't seen any messages in "My Messages."  Is that where a private message would be?  I don't want you to think I'm ignoring you, but I'm so computer illiterate!
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2014, 11:41:03 AM »
Hey! No no its me I didn't send it again. I'm sorry, I stepped away for a bit and kept myself busy with other things instead of being online searching for the "answers".
Baby needs me, hopefully when he naps I'll get a chance to write you. How are you doing anyways?
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Offline angsty

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2014, 01:19:28 PM »
Masturbation is completely normal and, I would argue, healthy. That said, it's not about the masturbation, that's just something your anxiety is making you fixate on. When my anxiety gets particularly bad, I find that I put a lot of emphasis on embarrassing things I've done in the past or recently and it's mentally painful. So I think it's part of anxiety to do that. Your anxiety roots around in your brain for something that you feel shame or embarrassment about (regardless of whether you should feel shame or embarrassment about those things) and it latches on to that making you think about it, which causes those feelings of shame/embarrassment to be even worse.

So yeah, to sum up:

1. Masturbation is normal and healthy and nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about.

2. It's your anxiety causing these feelings.

Hang in there!
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Offline NinjaKitty

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #12 on: March 26, 2014, 07:01:00 AM »
I agree with the above statement, mastrubation is a normal part of life, wether your preteen/teen/adult its a way of release, it increases endorphins naturally in our body.... to make you feel lesss ashamed i'll tell you a story about something my therapist told me.

a few yrs ago i was seeing a alternative therapist you know the kind the one who trys alll hollistic approches and trys to help you in the most natural way possible without medication etc etc.

now he told me that when anxiety is high or my depresion is bad or i feel panicky there are lots of things i can do naturally to ease it, take a hot bath, drink caomile tea, burn lavander oil, get hugs from my kids, get hugs from my partner and have orgasims........... basically he told me if you feel anxiety/panick coming on or your mood going down down down to basically have an orgasim, either by myself if my partner wasnt around to assist or with my partner, mostly becuase after you clilmax, your body releasis endorphins which are the biggestand most powerful feel good hormones in our body, so wanting that feel good feeling is neither dirty nor shameful..........we werent given the power of the orgasim to feel ashamed about it. I honestly think your dwelling on what you ave done is making you feel ashamed..........when frankly you have nothing ot be ashamed about at all, people who dont have sex or self service shall i say are the ones i worry about, you know embracing sexual desire is healthy its supressing it thats unhealthy especially when your feeling guilty about it.

if you want to pm me feel free hunny, i understand how you feel.
Just on a added note note dont mess with medication doses stay on the same dose and you will probabkly find you wont have these dips in and out, your medication is given to you to toake on a rgular basis at a certain dose to keep you stable, if its benzos lowering and upping is fine it stops tolerance but if its anti depresant or somthing regular dont mess with your dosing, your dr put you on it for a reason and im only talking from my personal and professional opinion that messing with med doses will not keep you stable and may increase you anxiety depression and panic.

Stay well stay positive and feel free to Pm me

Kitty
xx
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Currently surfing the anxiety waves!!
Current Meds
5mg diazepam 3xdaily
45mg mirtazapine at night
10mg Nitrazepam nightly
sumatriptan (doses vary)
Naproxen 300mg 3 x daily
Buscopan 20mg 4x daily
Lanzoprozol 30mg daily
Trazadone (dose varies)

Offline JZK

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #13 on: March 26, 2014, 06:31:56 PM »
Hi.  Glad to hear you've been focusing on other things.  That's a step in the right direction.  Good comments/advice from the last two who posted.  I'm always worrying incessantly or depressed about something.  I'm working on living in the "present" with my therapist--hard to do.  PM me anytime.   :happy0151:
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Offline Momee

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Re: Anxiety relapse and thoughts (a little embarressing)
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2014, 08:07:03 PM »
Thanks to the 2 new replies :)

angsty - I think I know in the back of my head (and I keep telling myself) its just the anxiety, but I still have the feeling that "its a lie" and even my own vioce saying "not your gross and deserve nothing and you should feel bad" then I feel like throwing up. 6 weeks after lowering my medication (because life was great and no anxiety for quite some time), I was triggered by my 6 year old daughter confessing out of the blue that she kissed 2 boys last yr in kindergarden.....she felt soooo bad! (I always felt bad for things and worried about people being mad at me......this is mostly what my anxiety revolves around "doing something wrong") I calmed her down and reassured her I wasn't upset and that lots of kids do that and to forget about it. It continued to bother her for a few days and I started to worry she was getting anxiety like myself (she doesn't see my anxiety at all)......my anxiety started up from a few days after she "confessed"......then I started thinking about my "things" when I was younger (more like 10-13ish.......which I had dealt with before and seemed to be not caring about at all, I could laugh with my sister about it) and all of a sudden I started fixating on it and started feeling horrible shame, guilt, out of no where.
So, I really hope your right and its just the anxiety. I have upped my medication recently because I didn't know what else to do as things were not getting much better (slightly better). The doctor suggested the higher dose would help as it this medication has always helped. I keep worrying that it will take the physical symptoms away but I will be stuck with these bad thoughts and never get my confidence back.
I feels so stupid while everyone else ...husband, sister and the ppl online I have chatted to about this think this is incredibly silly to have bother me and yet I cant stop it.

NinjaKitty- thanks for your reply also! i can't believe I haven't learned not to mess with the dosage in the past as I have done this so many times......(consulting the dr of course, never on my own). I wont be doing it again

JZK - got your msg! I'll write you back soon!
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