Hi there :) I'm new to the site, just joined today so thought I'd say a little about myself and what has brought me here! I'm a 20 year old student from Glasgow and up until about a year and a half ago, you may have described me as a bubbly, extroverted and happy girl who loved nothing more than going out and having fun. However, this all changed, like I said about a year and a half ago.
I can't pinpoint exactly what started it, but slowly things have got to this point, what i'd call breaking point, where anxiety has completely taken over my life and made me loose who I am. Where my anxiety is most prominent is around relationships, mainly around those with certain close friends aswell as my boyfriend. My CPN described it as an irrational obsession about loosing people. On a daily basis I obsess over texts, phonecalls, the way people word things, and all other means of things when it comes to my interactions with the people I mentioned. A typical panic attack for me will begin when I see that one of my aforementioned friends/boyfriend has "seen" my message and then not replied, or when they text me with no "x's" or when they make a throwaway comment that I obsessively analyse and cant let go of. I have a certain group of people that I HAVE to speak to constantly throughout the day, otherwise I think that they want to drift from me/want me out of their lives. When it comes to certain friends I often get jealous when they are with other people and believe that they like them better than me. A typical thought that I obsess about is that I care about them a lot more than they care about me. I am blabbering on now but I hope you get the jist of it. Anyways up until recently, it was really only friends that I got this way about. However in the last few weeks my worries have started to get more prominent around my boyfriend. He knows all about my anxiety and has always been really supportive in the 6 months we've been together, however something has changed recently. He used to text me first thing every morning and we would chat throughout the day before calling at night (he stays in England so we only see one another every few weeks). Now though, he hardly texts me in the morning when he gets up for work and when I text him he often takes hours to reply and then texts me quite bluntly, not acting very interested. He has also started being quite snappy and when I seen him last weekend it felt like we spent the whole weekend in silence. This lead me to get upset and question him, to which he reassured me nothing was wrong and that nothing had changed between us, yet the situation still feels the same. As you can imagine this has thrown my anxiety into overdrive!
I have previously suffered with depression as well as the anxiety which has got worse in the last year. Since late 2012 I have been through the NHS and seen countless CPN's. I am currently on the waiting list to see psychology, however this is still around 8 weeks away. I have been to a&e 4 times in the last year due to my anxiety, the most recent being on the 12th January when I tried to *****. I have got to a stage now where I feel as if I have no-one, I don't have a "person" as I have realised that bombarding my close friends with my problems can be helpful at times but it is probably a big part of the reason I feel I am loosing them, im pushing them away. I could go on for hours about my problems but I'd really just love someone to relate to what I'm going through and feel less alone
As well as the other things, the scariest thing about all of this is the feeling that I have lost the fun, outgoing person I was and the fear that she's never coming back.