Hey friends, I'm just here to introduce myself and hopefully get to know some of you.
I'm 24, and I've suffered from generalised anxiety disorder and depression for around 10 years now. I was fairly confident as a child, but as I grew into my teens, I became progressively more withdrawn and insecure. I don't know whether that was part of a slow buildup towards my condition or simply part of growing up, but by 14 I became obsessive and incredibly anxious over my schoolwork. The prospect of failure terrified me, and my self-esteem had become so low that I was convinced anything I wrote would be wrong. Up until then, I had apparently been earning Bs and As, so my fears had no actual basis in fact. Ironically, this meant I couldn't even bring myself to write or to function properly at school, and in the end I couldn't bring myself to leave home at all. I lost any friends I had over time, as I doubt they understood how to react to me being miserable or bursting into tears whenever they saw me. It was then that I was diagnosed with clinical depression and GAD.
At 15, I spent a few months in a mental health unit for teens, as the doctor felt it would be appropriate. Their approach to 'treating' me was...nothing. Those 3 or 4 months were spent sitting around in boredom each day with other kids just as miserable as me, waiting for the day to end so we could start all over again the next day. Television and most other things weren't allowed. There were no activities or treatments there, and I get the feeling it was terribly underfunded. The only good that came out of my experiences there was taking my exams, where I got good grades in all the subjects I was still able to take. After my exams were over, they allowed me to leave as the unit was due to shut down with a few months anyway. I would have refused to have stayed there any longer regardless.
Since then, I've entered and finished college with the help of an enabler and attempted university. Continuing my academic studies may have been a bad idea in hindsight, but I was determined that I didn't want to let my anxiety beat me after everything that had happened. I had been forcing myself to try and stay active over the years, but by early last year, I just couldn't take any more. I pretty much had a breakdown, and since then I've barely been able to go outside at all. I've had to stop going to university, and I'll probably have to drop my degree if I don't return this year.
I'm now worse than I've ever been. I live with my mom, spend every day in my room and have no outside contact or friends. Even chatting online has become tiring for me, and I feel like I'm completely isolated and alone. I've never been able to work at a job, and I'm reliant on government benefits to live. I've always wanted to work towards being a writer in some form, but I hate myself so much that I believe anything I write will be garbage. I suffer from a lot of irrational fears that I constantly worry about, I have low energy and mood most of the time, and I feel intense anxiety from even the simplest things. Some days, I feel like such a failure of a human being that I simply cry until I can't anymore. Otherwise, I feel utterly blank and apathetic to everything. After so long struggling and fighting and crying, I feel so tired of it.
That's a basic summary of where I am right now.
If anything, posting here is a big step for me in trying to connect with someone, anyone, who might understand and offer some support, and I really appreciate this site being here to help people. I'm sorry if this post is too heavy for an introduction! I just wanted to see if anyone else has felt the same way, and typing it out has helped me feel a little better, for now.