Okay, so I really love my family. My mom and I are close (generally speaking), also my brother and I are close, and my dad. I see each of them at least once a week, and I talk to my parents every to every other day (my brother hates talking on the phone). My husband and I have included them in every event we have, holidays, birthdays, and even little vacation trips (as my hubby and I don't get away for long durations). So, they are a part of our lives. The only thing they were not involved in was our wedding, because we eloped, and we did so mostly because our mothers made our engagement very tense, and we didn't want our wedding to be overtaken by their demands and mutual jealousies.
To some extent, our families, especially mine, have been over involved. So, when we first married (11 years ago today), I felt badly that my family was not involved, but I also was relieved that our day was not tense at all. Consequently, I have been made to feel guilty about this decision for the past 11 years, in some subtle and not so subtle ways. At the time I was only 22, so I was even more intimidated by my parents and his. Now I think I would have told them all to grow up and stop squabbling. I never really stood up for myself and for the strain my family (and his) occasionally puts on my relationship with my husband.
Anyway, my mother has a designated day she comes over. This was something that she set up and I have gone along. It is one of her days off. She used to have three designated days, Sunday through Tuesday, where we would either have to go to her house, or she would come over mine, however, while homeschooling my daughter and other life events, and just needing some time for myself, my family and my husband, she is now somewhat happy with the one day. During these visits, which are supposed to be to see the kids and me and help keep us close, she basically plays with my daughter for hours, gets her in a frenzy, we eat too late, we stay up too late, and she is not very helpful, overall, with dinner or with the kids, or anything. I am supposed to make dinner for all of us (my brother comes over too, my parents are divorced), I clean up afterward, most weeks they would like to have desserts served, and I am supposed to be entertaining and inviting, and hospitable and charming, no matter what kind of mood or life event I am going through. If I am anything but, I do hear something about and get the "guilt trip". Furthermore, my mother tends to say whatever she wants in front of me or my kids, and so if I ask for her to censor something, she makes a scene. So, I know she lacks some respect for me and the life I am trying to create for my family.
My father is a different story and he just drops by whenever he wants, unannounced. He expects snacks and refreshments, as well as undivided attention, on these impromptu visits. I am supposed to accomodating and cheery. If I am not, he does tend to get a bit aloof and critical and will say something snide to me.
This has been a source of great anxiety for me. My therapist wants for me to address these issues with my family. I have tried to in the past. I have written my dad an email telling him that his drop by's are a bit interuptive to our school times and the little kids naps. This works for about a month or two, and then we go back to the way things were before. I have asked my mother, and also wrote to ask her, to please not stay over as late as she does on Tuesdays and to also be more understanding when I need a Tuesday with just my family. She is not very receptive to this, and she and my brother find it a bit insulting of me to ask. She will leave earlier for only a few weeks and then she goes back to the late nights (my brother usually leaves before her). They have started to bring dinner every couple of weeks, though I usually still have to make it most Tuesdays. It's an improvement. Sometimes she helps bring the dishes to the kitchen, though my brother still doesn't (unless prompted). I am usually grumpy Monday nights, Tuesdays afternoons, and into Wednesday morning, because I don't get what I want to accomplished on these Tuesdays, or during one of my dad's drop bys. Everything seems to stop. Everything is disorganized and I lose control of the situation. I have noticed that the more my family takes advantage of me, the less my kids listen. It's like they can sense that I am easily intimidated.
Interestingly, my mother doesn't really like to babysit for me too often, she does only about four times a year, once for Valentine's, once for our anniversary, and once for something more towards the winter, like my husband's birthday or if I ask for her to watch them so I can go Xmas shopping. She also doesn't like to watch them too close to the date she watched them before, as then it seems like she is being taken advantage of. My inlaws rarely watch the kids, and my brother and his sister never do either. My dad doesn't as well, though both of my parents do take my eldest out for lunch and fun places to share time together. My mother is very upset with the idea of my husband and I getting a babysitter for our three children. She is full of horror stories which she likes to tell me. Funny enough, she and my dad always had babysitters for us. My mom feels that with my husband's work schedule we see each other enough (though, rarely without the kids, as much as we adore them, we do need to share time together without interruptions and stuff).
So, recently my daughter has asked for me to ask my mom if she could come over every other Tuesday during the spring and summer. I was all set to do this, however, I completely lost my nerve. My brother is bringing dinner this week and I know if I cancel, he will be insulted and he will also not bring dinner for some time (as this was a past issue--them inviting themselves over and never helping out). So I will bring this up soon. Afterall, my daughter asked me. I also know now that I have to shield my daughter from my mother's guilt trip and this is one major reason I am getting nervous about this.
Am I being mean, rude, a horrible daughter for asking and needing more time? It's just that it's not like I have ever invited her and my brother over every Tuesday, it was something my mom created about 7 years ago and I have little say in it. It's just an understanding that they will come over every week, regardless of how I feel that day, what my week is like, anything. Furthermore, when I do cancel an occasionally week, it comes with numerous questions and with me trying to explain and justify why I need the time. To get a better handle on my anxiety, I do need to get a handle on some of these situations. But I just feel so wrong asking for what my family and I need.
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Topic: Family issues (a bit long) (Read 1246 times)
January 09, 2009, 10:33:18 PM