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Author Topic: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?  (Read 616 times)

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Offline ladylala

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I am ashamed to admit that a year ago in January (2013), I had an affair with my boss.  I am married, however, my husband and I were separated and having some problems (he's untreated for a disorder).  Me and the guy were traveling together a lot and one thing led to another.  He is married as well and has never been faithful.

Anyway, we had sex a couple of times with condoms, however, a couple of times, I performed oral sex (not really something I wanted to do, but that's a different story)... Well, I was feeling so worried and guilty, that what ifs kept running through my head; even though I've read that oral sex is very low risk, esp. if there is no ejaculation in the mouth, which in my case, there wasn't. 

So, I got tested with an at home Oraquick test in July of last year and it came back negative (7 months past so called exposure)... then, I tested just to be sure in September, 2013 with an at home blood test (Home Access Elisa) and that, too came back negative. 

Well, in November of 2013, I became very ill with colitis.  So bad that I ended up hospitalized and my vitals were AWFUL.  I had a high fever, fast heart rate, etc, so I was in ICU.  Talk about terrifying, esp. for a hypochondriac.

Needless to say, falling so ill put me in a tailspin panic and I was like "why am I so sick?"  I must be dying.  Why did this happen to me?  I must have AIDS. 

So, in an effort to reassure myself yet AGAIN, I took an at home Oraquick test (in December) and to my sheer horror, there was a line where it should be (on the C) and what I thought was a VERY faint incomplete line near the T.  I COMPLETELY freaked out!!!  I thought it was a positive since they say on the instructions that a line near the T is a positive even if it is faint.  But, it didn't say anything about halfway incomplete lines. 

I IMMEDIATELY ran to a planned parenthood clinic and told them what happened.  They did a rapid blood test (Clearview Stat Pack) and results were back in 15 minutes.  Scariest 15 minutes of my LIFE!  They said (2 nurse practitioners) that there was only 1 line by the C and that I was NEGATIVE.  I was very relieved.  They assured me not to worry and that I could put this worry behind me.  They said that they think my issue is really with the guilt of my affair and advised me to get counseling.  They were very nice.  I then said, do you think I need another test just to be sure?  They said "no".

Well, for a while, I felt reassured, but in the back of my mind, I simply cannot let the fear of the Oraquick test go!  Why did it have a faint line halfway through if it was negative?  I called them and they are pretty worthless... they said it could have been a defective test. 

I am so scared guys... I never want to have to take another hiv test again, as it was too traumatic for me, but do you think I need one or can I trust what the nurses told me on my last test?  I wish I could simply have peace of mind.  This worry has destroyed my life.

Thank you and sorry this was so long, but wanted to give all the details... I hope you guys respond!
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Offline stephtronic

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2014, 02:08:11 PM »
The test just malfunctioned. If it's incomplete, it didn't work correctly. That's not the same as faint.

You're absolutely fine. No need for another test. The people at Planned Parenthood know what they're doing, and you even had multiple tests before the wonky one. No need to waste money.
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Offline Hypo84

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #2 on: February 12, 2014, 03:07:58 PM »
You don't have HIV, but you do have guilt. Counseling would probably help you.

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Offline ladylala

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2014, 12:18:40 PM »
Thanks so much, you two...  Does anyone agree?  I just can't help but get that "wonky" test out of my head.  I would like to trust the folks at planned parenthood that told me their test was negative and that I never had a risk to begin with.  I just find it hard to believe that oral sex carries no risk. 

Thank you.

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Offline Alexac11

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2014, 12:41:57 PM »
Oral sex carries a very very low risk. And you've already tested, numerous times, with the same negative result. You are absolutely fine. The test was defective.

I'm in a similar situation as you, however my "exposure" was a brief, 15 second kiss, so really, in the eyes of the medical community, no risk. Yet I can't accept that and move in. I have a slightly tickly throat and an ulcer and I'm now convinced this is seroconversion. I'll be going for a test on Wednesday, yet know that I'll find it hard to fully believe the result. That's the very nature of health anxiety. You convince yourself that you're the exception to the norm; that you'll be the one who defys medical protocol and be the one person that has been missed. You won't be! As everyone keeps reminding me, in the nicest possible way, we're just not that special! :)

I agree it's the guilt of the affair which has caused the anxiety and is not allowing you to let it go. Once you address this, the fear will start to subside. Best of luck!!
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Offline vardnas

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2014, 12:58:39 PM »
You don't have HIV, but you do have guilt. Counseling would probably help you.

Yep. This is correct. Listen, not only is oral sex low risk, your boss would have to also have HIV/AIDS for you to become infected. HIV infection doesn't just spontaneously happen because you have sex with someone you shouldn't.

As far as your fear over this test, you're probably not going to be able to get over it through our reassurance alone because it is, like Hypo said, a manifestation of your guilt. So in order to feel okay about the test, you need to process your guilt and work on forgiving yourself for what happened. You're stuck here because you're not allowing yourself to move on.
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In case anyone is still confused:  googling your symptoms will cause you to remain in a state of extreme anxiety. Stepping away from the internet is the first step toward lasting peace.

Offline ladylala

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #6 on: February 17, 2014, 01:10:34 PM »
Thanks, Alexa.... I hear "low risk" and think "so, there is a risk..."  The people at Planned Parenthood told me it was "no risk" and on another site, Poz Forums, they state repeatedly that it is no risk as well (siting studies)... they say that the risks are:

unprotected vaginal/ anal sex
IV drug use
mother to child breast feeding
specific medical incidents

It's tough to know what to believe about oral sex and it's risk.  I had protected vaginal sex and unprotected oral thinking it was safe (no ejaculation of course in my mouth...)  They just told me that there have been no "documented cases" of HIV transmission through oral... Ugghhh!  I am with you; there has to be some risk there.  Yikes!

As for your "risk"... there definitely was none.  Kissing is not a risk.  Can you imagine had you actually had sex with him?  Now that would cause true worry.  You can imagine how I feel having had unprotected oral. 

Vardnas, I agree.. I need to process my guilt for sure over this incident.  I can't move on until I accept my results and forgive myself.  Thank you.

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Offline vardnas

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #7 on: February 17, 2014, 01:22:23 PM »
Thanks, Alexa.... I hear "low risk" and think "so, there is a risk..."  The people at Planned Parenthood told me it was "no risk" and on another site, Poz Forums, they state repeatedly that it is no risk as well (siting studies)... they say that the risks are:

unprotected vaginal/ anal sex
IV drug use
mother to child breast feeding
specific medical incidents

Just to reiterate—there is NO RISK of HIV transmission if your partner does not have HIV. Statistically speaking, the incidences of infection among white, married, heterosexual males (which I'm assuming your boss is, please correct me if I'm wrong) from developed nations are typically VERY low.
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In case anyone is still confused:  googling your symptoms will cause you to remain in a state of extreme anxiety. Stepping away from the internet is the first step toward lasting peace.

Offline scared_ter

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Re: Can't Accept that I'm HIV negative... PLEASE HELP. Should I test again?
« Reply #8 on: February 17, 2014, 02:32:44 PM »
Oral sex is essrntially no risk.
There are no provei, documented cases of transmission in this way.
In any case, test rsultst trump everything, risk, symptoms etc
Your results are negative, so you don't have it.
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