Well, i have been living with GAD for about 3 years now and the first year was probably the most horrible as i was learning to cope with the symptoms(or rather ignore them). My life has improved slightly since then but i feel like my old fearless self is lost.
Here are just a list of symptoms which i have been struggling with this couple of months.
Sleeplessness or random sleeping patterns, polyphasic in nature. I go to sleep at 11pm like a normal person and i wake up at 3 am in the morning without any difficulties waking up. Its like I open my eyes and I am ready to run a marathon. So i stay up until 8 am and go to work. Suddendly midday comes and i feel this urge to passout , so i usually get back home, lie down for a nap and guess what, i fall asleep, wake up around 8pm. Basicly my sleeping patterns are all over the place. I have tried to re-establish the normal sleeping regime that i had my whole life but it seems that all i do is toss and turn in bed while trying to do the un-doable. I just have trouble sleeping at the right times and ease sleeping at the wrong ones.
Blood pressure spikes:
Most of the time i get 120/80, but i get those strange moments where my BP is 137/95 or 150/95 for a short period of time, and i am not worried about anything. Usually after a night's out full of drinks and lady chasing, i feel as if the next day is going to be my last, and i ain't even talking about hangovers. It seems as if my body goes through alcohol withdrawal. High BP, feeling unwell, tiredness and so on.
I hate those, it just feels like my heart is signaling that its about to go into cardiac arrest. I can hear it all day long...24/7. Especially when i put my head on a pillow.
I feel as if i want to throw up all the time, but i never end up doing it. Maybe because i would consider it a weakness to do so, but if i put my fingers in my throat, im pretty sure something is bound to come out.
I have a good job that pays well, i have 2 girlfriends that i don't love who keep harassing me for somekind of relationship. I just lost interest in girls/being active. It seems that all i enjoy doing nowadays is sitting with my guitar and practicing jazz theory and working on my java knowledge and reading science books. I hate working, I hate having to do things, and I hate leaving my house. As days go by, i just feel like Im in a cage living a life without purpose. Relationships are only lies based on physical appearance and selfish desires which is dictated then again by mathematical statistics. Go to a club, talk to 100 girls, get numbers, date them, some of them will flake, others will say yes, tell them you feel something for them, bang you have a relationship. Working is retarded, you work your ass off for someone to make more money than you with your talent and hard effort invested into it. You earn money, enough to maintain a normal lifestyle but never enough to buy a big house or a workless and comfortable life. Its like a closed cycle of meaningless "do it because thats all there is to do". I don't know, deep inside i just feel like if i read more books i will somehow wakeup smarter and solve all those problems.
I am not suicidal because i know there is only one life to live, but I seriously feel like I am just living to be alive.
I don't believe in shrinks anymore, all they do is give you pills based on some statistical groups which make you into a drone and possibily even increase your risk of dying of something. They might talk to you, but they cannot live your life for you. Empathy isn't going to make my shrink write me a check for 1 million dollars and send me to an oasis filled with peace and pleasure.
I think "GAD" is causing all this.