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Author Topic: Ups and downs  (Read 180 times)

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Offline Possum-Pie

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Ups and downs
« on: February 09, 2014, 07:40:54 PM »
I'm new here.  I have had anxiety my whole life. I don't have panic attacks, but worry allot.  When I was in kindergarden I worried every day that I would miss the bus.  As my siblings got into school, I worried they would miss the bus.  WHAT KID worries about stuff like that?  I went to college, and missed my mother so bad that I cried.  I was a momma's boy.  Eventually I got through it, and live an hour away from my parents now, so have a healthy relationship without enmeshment.  I am a nurse...And hesitate to say it...I have a master's in counseling psychology.  I did out patient counseling for 20+ years.  In good times, I worry infrequently.  I need stability. if my job, my life, my cats are all healthy and stable, I don't even notice the GAD.  When I get a new job, or my cats get sick (Like one is now) I worry constantly. I ruminate over and over about what bad things could happen.  Therapy never worked b/c it's like the guy that works McDonalds...when you see behind the scenes, you won't eat there.   I have never found a therapist who helped in the least.  I can see through every statement they make b/c I too am a professional.  Klonopin is my miracle drug, though benzo's are dangerous.  I take a half of one rarely if the anxiety is too bad, and a month scrip lasts a whole year.  Lately we have had horrible weather in the East USA and I worry about my wife driving to work, and me driving in the ice and snow.  This has really raised the ugly GAD.  Now my kittie, who is like my own child, is very very ill.   I worry constantly about his health, and the vet seems disinterested as his health deteriorates.  I have gotten the Klonopin out and been taking them every 4hrs. over the past 4 days.  They make me a zombie but really do take the anxiety from a 8 or 9 down to a 5.  I have no one who understands what I go through, they all think I'm over-worrying...well duh! I admit that.
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Offline colorlessideas

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Re: Ups and downs
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2014, 02:21:18 PM »
I have been a life-long worrier too. It has helped with some things and been devastating in others. For example, I worried about failing tests, not being prepared for class, not pulling my weight at work....so I would try extra hard because of the worry. However, I worry that my boyfriend is going to leave me, that my family isn't well, that I'm going to get lost and my car will break down....almost to the point I don't want to go anywhere beyond my comfort zone. And I won't even go into how much I worry about my health. Good lord.

I want to find a therapist, but I haven't been able to find one yet. I went a couple of years ago and I felt that she didn't understand me at all. I once explained everything bothering me and she said "well, gosh that's deep!"
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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

Offline Possum-Pie

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Re: Ups and downs
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2014, 06:19:21 AM »
Finding a therapist is like finding a boyfriend/girlfriend.  So many people don't assess compatibility, they just take the first one assigned.  When I was doing therapy, I told people up front, you may not feel I'm a right fit for you, and I may feel I don't have the ability to help you.  When you find that one person who seems to understand you, it is great. 
My worry is generally not about things I control.  In fact if anything, my self-esteem is too good and I over-estimate my abilities.  My anxiety is about my kitties getting sick, my wife being injured, the weather, my older parents getting sick.  Things I can't control.  My father who also worries some, once told me that intelligent people can see all of the things that can go wrong in a situation, and if they are prone to worry, they have more to worry about than the person who just can't see the risks.   I kind of believe that.  My kitty is getting worse, I have to bring him his food now to his nest where he is sleeping.  He has heart trouble and has been getting slowly weaker this last 3 or 4 days.  He is like my child, and 15 years old.  The klonopin has helped some but I am at about an 8 out of 10 with worry.
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Offline colorlessideas

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Re: Ups and downs
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2014, 01:09:54 PM »
I'm really sorry. I have a cat that is like a child also. I don't generally worry about him being sick, but he has been injured before and that was terrible. If worrying about taking a person to the doctor is bad, worrying about your pet is almost worse, like a baby, they can't actually tell you what the problem is. Poor thing. But of course, he doesn't have to deal with the thoughts we have of death and dying. But it breaks your heart to see them not feeling well.

I'm going to have to try harder to find a good therapist, if I try to go back to that route.

Lately I've been reading about Charles Darwin's anxiety throughout his life. Very fascinating. And I do sometimes wonder if higher IQ combined with other traits lends toward more anxiety. Personality seems like it could be important too because of course not all intelligent individuals are intense worriers.

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Nolite te bastardes carborundorum.

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