Hi everyone! I haven't really made a post besides my introduce yourself post so I thought I would share my story with GAD/ Pure O and hypochondria.... Maybe some of you can relate I hope!
We'll I was 17 when I first felt that I " couldn't breathe" my mom took me to er I was told my oxygens levels were fine and ultimately I was fine but to get checked by my primary doctor. Did that. No allergies, no asthma...
Fast forward 2 years. First full blown panic attack while smoking pot. I smoked pot all the time but this one time must have triggered my anxiety. I felt I couldn't swallow or breathe. Was completely freaked out thought I was losing it. At that time I did not associate these symptoms w anxiety so I thought that physically something was wrong w me.
Over the next 3 years I felt that I couldn't breathe all the time. And by I can't breathe I mean constantly trying to take a deep breath. So I would repetively yawn on purpose regardless if I were tired. It would get to the point where my jaw would hurt I was doing it so much. One time I remember driving to work and I was doing my usual trying to take a deep breath thing and I became so frustrated with myself I imagined just busting my head over the steering wheel. I was so upset with myself. And that's when I started to realize maybe this is anxiety.
Among those years is when my hypochondria was in full effect. I would call my mom up in the middle of the night crying asking if "I were a healthy child?" I remember once being at breakfast w my boyfriend and I had to excuse myself because I had to go to the bathroom and have a sob about thinking I had a brain tumor. Let's see, diabetes, bone cancer, lung cancer, aneurism, MS, heart attack, stroke, you name it, I had it. I still struggle with hypochondria and still find myself not watching greys anatomy because I know I will magically end up contracting one of the diseases on the show through the tv. Naturally.
Okay so this is getting long. I still have more though! Lol.. If you're still reading thanks, you rock.
One night almost 2 yrs ago I was smoking pot once again. Obviously didn't learn the first time. Well while sitting there thinking away, like high people tend to do. I thought to myself something like "why don't you enjoy the same things you used to" "are you even happy" and "what if you become depressed" then bam the thought of "what if your a horrible person and hurt somebody" popped into my head and exploded like a bomb. My stomach immediately dropped and started to churn.... The next day I felt even worse. I remember going shopping w my mom and feeling so guilty and ashamed of who I thought I was becoming. I finally opened up a little to my sister about what was going on w me. She suffers from checking OCD and was sympathetic to my situation. But nonetheless confused I'm sure.. I remember telling her that I would ***** before I would hurt another person. I didn't want to. The thought made physically ill. I mean physically ill. I didn't eat for a week after that. That month was extremely tough. I was depressed and confused and had no idea who I was. I felt like I was doomed to become this terrible person i never ever imagined I could be. A person I didn't want to be.
I finally mustered up the guts to google my "issue" that's when I started to research more and more about anxiety/ OCD and pure - o. I started to see a little light at the end of this tunnel. I read some good self help books about OCD and GAD. I started to let my thoughts come and go. No reaction. I tried control my panic and dismissed my thoughts for what they were thoughts. I also visited this site from time to time. Now that I look back on it, I have improved quite a bit. Still have trouble though. Not even close to recovered. Maybe I will never be recovered. But at this point I just want to be ok. Happys nice but from the personal hell I have experienced, Ok sounds good.
If your still here CONGRATS! Thanks so much for reading. I apologize for any grammar or spelling errors or if my writing is a little all over the place! I'm not to good at organizing! And please please leave any type of reply you would like. Unless it's mean. Don't leave mean stuff:) Take care all.