You've come to a great place to discuss problems that are going on in your life. I see that you are battling a vicious mind game that is taking control of your emotions which, in turn, are affecting your actions. At the age of 20 this has got to be overwhelming for you. I'm 22 years old and I haven't seen half of what you're going through so I can't say that I know how you feel. I just want you to know that I, as well as others, can make you feel a sense of relief through talking and conversing with each other.
There are quite a few members and especially those members who are going through the same disorder that you have who can give you a different perspective.
I just dropped in to say that there is always a way out of everything. If you hit a pothole and get a flat tire, you don't just abandon the car and walk away like it never happened. You eventually fix your flat tire. This might take some tools that you don't currently have, and it might take some advice from experienced individuals in changing tires.
There's always someone who will listen, Skip out on the ones who don't.
Trust me, when you put something under tension or stress, it will usually break free at some point. Just gotta figure out what your launch is. (: