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Author Topic: To hell then back, then back to hell again.  (Read 280 times)

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Offline getmylifeback

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To hell then back, then back to hell again.
« on: February 07, 2014, 02:35:16 PM »
Hi everyone! I am a new member, but not exactly. Summer of 2011 was when I had my first panic attack and everything went down hill from there. I was a frequent visitor on this forum/website everyday reading all the advises and support to help me overcome my anxiety by Fall of 2012. Unfortunately, I've relapsed and I've relapsed hard by October of 2013. I decided to officially create an account because I know how helpful this community is, and I am in desperate need of help because I feel like I'm losing everything, including myself.

I'll start off by telling you how I got into this hell of a journey. My father passed away suddenly in 2009 due to gallbladder cancer. The day right after I graduated from high school was the day he was admitted to the hospital and our family was told the horrible news. That summer, instead of looking forward to college, I spent every week driving him to see doctors. I felt like there was hope, but he didn't feel the same. He refused to take any medications nor start on any program. He passed away in 6 months in the most horrifying and painful death that I had to witness. I took a week off from college, but had to resume as soon as possible. I was doing fine in college, but I always felt depersonalized. I didn't realize at the time that was one of the symptoms of anxiety. I always felt stressed out from every little thing.

One day, a group of friends offered me to try some "special brownies" they said that it will help relax me. So I tried it. The next thing I knew I was in full blown panic. I couldn't stop shaking, I felt like I couldn't breath,  I was eventually sent to the hospital. Ever since that incident, I became extremely anxious about my health. I always thought something was wrong with me. Then I started getting panic attacks. Then I felt a tingling on the left side of my face, and I thought I had a brain tumor. I focused and dwell on that tingling on the left side of my face, to the point where it gave me extreme TMJ. I had to take a quarter off from college, I couldn't handle it anymore. During those 3 months off from college, I was still convinced that I had something wrong with me. Then the vibrations in my feet started coming. Then I had severe pain my legs and my back. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I went down to 88 pounds at one point. I was admitted to the hospital on multiple occasions, only to be drawn liters of blood and getting told that there's nothing wrong, go home. I had and MRI scan on my brain, a nerve conductivity test, a bunch of specialized blood tests, nothing! They couldn't find anything wrong with me. But I could have sworn I was dying. They put me on a bunch of different anti anxiety, anti depression, sleeping meds, and pain medications, only to make everything worse. But I had a goal, I wanted to go back to school. This was all happening from December 2011-Feb 2012, and the next quarter will be starting in March 2012. I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to graduate on time. I was determined. So I stopped all the medications cold turkey. It was horrific. I felt tingling and pain all over my body, but I tried my best to ignore it and accept it. By the time I got to school, I was still in severe pain. I still couldn't sleep. But I kept on pushing myself. Eventually, things started calming down. The tingling in my face dissipated. Everything started slowly going away. I was able to get sleep again. Things were looking good. After that, I knew I was getting better. I did so well knowing that eventually all these pains will go away and the majority of it did.

Fast forward to how I'm here today. Like I mentioned everything started fading away, except for one thing. I had this constant pain in my hip, deep in my left buttocks. I just couldn't shake it off. Then I went to the doctors on October 2013....a decision I regret. She told me, there's nothing wrong, here take some pain meds. From that point it escalated to me getting second opinions from multiple doctors. I eventually came upon a chiropractor to told me, you should go get an MRI on your lower back. So I did, and it turns out I had 3 bulging discs. L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1, but they're on 2mm! No nerve is pinched. It shouldn't be causing me this much pain. So I couldn't shake it off, and I was convinced that there had to be something wrong with my hip. I went to get an MRI on my hip, negative. Nothing was wrong. Then I started thinking, what if it's my sacrum?! Of course by that time, the doctors didn't want me to get anymore MRIs. But from October 2013 to now February 2014, I have been worrying about these bulging discs and hip pain, that my body developed the vibration/tingling in my feet again. I developed burning sensations in my groin, extreme sensitivity in my feet, back pain and a bit of leg pain again. Then this morning I woke up with wrist pain. A part of me knows that THIS HAS TO BE ANXIETY, but the anxious part of me me says..YOUR DISCS ARE GETTING WORSE. But how are they worse when I stopped running, lifting and bending...and history tells  me I had these symptoms before. I am in a rut right now, and I need to get back out again. I've done it before, but why is this time so hard again.

Please let me know your opinions and share your stories. This is a wonderful website with wonderful people who I can completely relate to.
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: To hell then back, then back to hell again.
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2014, 04:36:18 PM »
Welcome to the forum. Good to have you as a member. Here you are with like minded people. People who understand. As we all suffer from something or other. So feel free to ask any questions. Our members are always willing to help others out. Good chatroom too. 3 posts to enter the room.

Find the correct section of the forum that suits your condition and create a new topic on it. This is just a welcome section. Never really get the same amount of help in this section as you would on the other sections of the forums. So whatever one suits the questions you are asking. Get much better answers.
All users of the chatroom must be 18 years old or over. The room is off limits to anybody under the age of 18.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue