Hi everyone! I am a new member, but not exactly. Summer of 2011 was when I had my first panic attack and everything went down hill from there. I was a frequent visitor on this forum/website everyday reading all the advises and support to help me overcome my anxiety by Fall of 2012. Unfortunately, I've relapsed and I've relapsed hard by October of 2013. I decided to officially create an account because I know how helpful this community is, and I am in desperate need of help because I feel like I'm losing everything, including myself.
I'll start off by telling you how I got into this hell of a journey. My father passed away suddenly in 2009 due to gallbladder cancer. The day right after I graduated from high school was the day he was admitted to the hospital and our family was told the horrible news. That summer, instead of looking forward to college, I spent every week driving him to see doctors. I felt like there was hope, but he didn't feel the same. He refused to take any medications nor start on any program. He passed away in 6 months in the most horrifying and painful death that I had to witness. I took a week off from college, but had to resume as soon as possible. I was doing fine in college, but I always felt depersonalized. I didn't realize at the time that was one of the symptoms of anxiety. I always felt stressed out from every little thing.
One day, a group of friends offered me to try some "special brownies" they said that it will help relax me. So I tried it. The next thing I knew I was in full blown panic. I couldn't stop shaking, I felt like I couldn't breath, I was eventually sent to the hospital. Ever since that incident, I became extremely anxious about my health. I always thought something was wrong with me. Then I started getting panic attacks. Then I felt a tingling on the left side of my face, and I thought I had a brain tumor. I focused and dwell on that tingling on the left side of my face, to the point where it gave me extreme TMJ. I had to take a quarter off from college, I couldn't handle it anymore. During those 3 months off from college, I was still convinced that I had something wrong with me. Then the vibrations in my feet started coming. Then I had severe pain my legs and my back. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I went down to 88 pounds at one point. I was admitted to the hospital on multiple occasions, only to be drawn liters of blood and getting told that there's nothing wrong, go home. I had and MRI scan on my brain, a nerve conductivity test, a bunch of specialized blood tests, nothing! They couldn't find anything wrong with me. But I could have sworn I was dying. They put me on a bunch of different anti anxiety, anti depression, sleeping meds, and pain medications, only to make everything worse. But I had a goal, I wanted to go back to school. This was all happening from December 2011-Feb 2012, and the next quarter will be starting in March 2012. I wanted to go back to school, I wanted to graduate on time. I was determined. So I stopped all the medications cold turkey. It was horrific. I felt tingling and pain all over my body, but I tried my best to ignore it and accept it. By the time I got to school, I was still in severe pain. I still couldn't sleep. But I kept on pushing myself. Eventually, things started calming down. The tingling in my face dissipated. Everything started slowly going away. I was able to get sleep again. Things were looking good. After that, I knew I was getting better. I did so well knowing that eventually all these pains will go away and the majority of it did.
Fast forward to how I'm here today. Like I mentioned everything started fading away, except for one thing. I had this constant pain in my hip, deep in my left buttocks. I just couldn't shake it off. Then I went to the doctors on October 2013....a decision I regret. She told me, there's nothing wrong, here take some pain meds. From that point it escalated to me getting second opinions from multiple doctors. I eventually came upon a chiropractor to told me, you should go get an MRI on your lower back. So I did, and it turns out I had 3 bulging discs. L3-L4, L4-L5, L5-S1, but they're on 2mm! No nerve is pinched. It shouldn't be causing me this much pain. So I couldn't shake it off, and I was convinced that there had to be something wrong with my hip. I went to get an MRI on my hip, negative. Nothing was wrong. Then I started thinking, what if it's my sacrum?! Of course by that time, the doctors didn't want me to get anymore MRIs. But from October 2013 to now February 2014, I have been worrying about these bulging discs and hip pain, that my body developed the vibration/tingling in my feet again. I developed burning sensations in my groin, extreme sensitivity in my feet, back pain and a bit of leg pain again. Then this morning I woke up with wrist pain. A part of me knows that THIS HAS TO BE ANXIETY, but the anxious part of me me says..YOUR DISCS ARE GETTING WORSE. But how are they worse when I stopped running, lifting and bending...and history tells me I had these symptoms before. I am in a rut right now, and I need to get back out again. I've done it before, but why is this time so hard again.
Please let me know your opinions and share your stories. This is a wonderful website with wonderful people who I can completely relate to.