Hello, my name is Jordan and I am 18 years old. Through out my life I have always had severe anxiety, it has caused me to struggle with making friends, avoid social contact, and "make miles out of mole hills."
I have been with my current boyfriend for over a year now and he is my everything. We spend every second together and he is absolutely everything I want and adore in a person. We laugh together, we vent together, basically everything is done together. He is the most understanding, loyal, and wonderful person that I have known in my entire life. Everything was absolutely wonderful, just thinking about how much I loved him made me tear up. Then, I went to Pennsylvania for a week without him to visit a friend. Like I said, we are together 24/7, so being without him hit me harder than anything ever has. The first day of my trip it took everything for me not to just lay down and cry, my stomach was burning, my heart was empty and I did not feel like I was going to be able to get through it alive. Though these feelings got better, I counted down the days until I came home. When I finally did go home I got horrible invasive thoughts. My mind was trying to tell me that I no longer loved him anymore, I knew that this was impossible because he did nothing wrong and I had spent the whole week prior aching for him back. He was still the wonderful person I loved before I left. These thoughts began taking a severe toll on me, I did not eat for four days and I broke down into tears every few hours. It was like I was fighting something in my head. This something was telling me that I did not love him, and I was screaming back at it that I did, that it was stupid. I looked to every possible explanation and had to be comforted constantly. I told my boyfriend about this, being that he was the only person who could ever fully make me feel better, and he accepted me with open arms. He yelled at the "voices" when I told him to and reassured me that he knew I loved him. He told me he would make me love him again. I constantly had this burning sensation in my chest and I would only find relief when the love came back ( only for a few minutes.) But all I wanted to do through this time is make him smile. I wanted him to be happy over my own happiness.
After about a week I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with anxiety. When this happened, everything seemed a lot clearer to me. I spent my spare time (without him) looking up any explanation that anxiety would cause these false thoughts. To my pleasant surprise I found that it was normal to doubt your relationship with anxiety and through this I found my way back to loving him again. For the next week, everything was normal. I felt even better than normal, in fact, I could look at him again and feel it stronger than ever. I could fall asleep smiling in his arms again. His smile gave me butterflies again. Everything was okay.
A few weeks later (now) these feelings are back. They are taking a more realistic approach and are targeting aspects of my relationship: if we have fun together, if we can really talk to each other, if we will ever last through the rest of our lives. I have been doing well to control them and the love does occasionally come back for long periods of time but I find myself questioning his attraction to me aswell now. If he does not tell me I'm beautiful constantly I feel like he does not think so and it makes me resent him. I feel insecure. Any little problem even if it does not pertain to my relationship causes me to spiral into rage and sadness.
I researched this problems further and found that these are things that relationship OCD causes, is it possible that I have that? That there is nothing to worry about?