So I've been on the site a few days and I figured it was about time I got the guts to share my story. I have been going through this for like five years now. It started as far as I can remember my Sophomore year of high school. Although now knowing the symptoms of anxiety i've propbably always had it. It was the first time I had questioned *****. Never the popular girl in class and just got fucked over by a friend I'd had since Pre-K. I figured nobody would give a ***** if I was there or not. I didnt do anything the feelings just kinda went away. Then my junior year of high school ***** hit the fan. ACT prep college pressure bad relationships one thing after another. The pressure got way too much to handle. It was a ***** whole of a year. I spent it under a rock clinging to whatever I had left. Got really bad, thought about ending it, tried to but in the end I just couldnt do it. Somewhere deep inside I knew it wasnt going to fix what I was going through. So I hit the very bottom of rock bottom and I guess thats how I started to climb up. Looking back now I guess I would say it, but ***** then it was like climbing Kilimanjaro. Things got "better" at least enough where I wasnt suicidal anymore. Senior year I was so busy chasing school records, and prom, and signing for college and I didnt have time to feel awful. College came around freshman year trying to juggle softball with a coach who thought school came LAST and teachers who thought their class was the only important one was a bitch. I failed my first class in all my years in school and then lost my best friend since middle school over a "cheating incident" that wasnt even our fault. Then I had my only friends (the softball team) turn on me becuase everyone blamed me for the F on the lab. That summer I played on a team with a coach who didnt know the difference between a fundamental and a showboat move. Only thing that made it bearable was I played with my BFF. The person I had started softball with. But needless to say that year was pretty hard. Bad first year in college. Bad summer. And ended my career so beat up I could hardly walk. I knew how bad I could get so I just kept busy and for lack of a better phrase didnt let myself get so low. Sophomore year was a struggle with my class load and trying to learn to balance my school life and my home life. I hated being on campus it felt like there were 21 girls ready to jump me every time I turned around. This year well, I have to say maybe Junior years just arent my thing... This summer I had so many ups and downs. I go picked to go on a research trip to the Bahamas. Almost drowned twice. Got to write for National Geographic and actually got published. Then I came home. Turned 20 and eleven days later she was gone. Cancer took her from me. It is possibly been the hardest year I've ever had to deal with. She was my best friend and trying to deal with her loss, put me into a bit of a tail spin. I changed schools, changed career paths, became single after three years, and lost the most influential person in my life. That is sort of my back story.
This is whats been going on; I have been in therapy for awhile. Am currently changing my medicine, scared to death about that. Going to a different college and trying desperately to get back what I feel I've lost. I've spent the weekend contemplating everything. The medicine, my relationships, my life over the past year. I've been going through a bad ankle injury. Broke and played on it for three years and never knew. Needless to say now its pretty messed up. With the pain I lost all motivation to take care of myself.
The physical symptoms are awful, the nervous muscles, lack of sleep, pain and tight chest, hard to breath, constant fighting. But I think the mental ones take the cake. The mood changes that happen for no reason. One moment I'm happy, next I'm crying or yelling for no reason. The constant not understanding how I feel or being able to tell anyone what is wrong. Feeling like nobody understands what its like and feeling completely lonely even in a room full of people.
What I realized is that I've spent the last year so wrapped up in my own misery I've forgotten who I was. I had a conversation for the first time in a year that was easy and effortless. Then with physical therapy finally starting to work I finally have some drive to start working out if I can. I just want to run and I have to want it to be able to do it. But for the first time in a year I do want it. I didn't realize how much of myself I had lost bc of all this. I know I shouldn't put all my eggs into one basket but I'm really counting on this medicine to give me a chance to reclaim who I was. To feel good again. I need to know that maybe someday I can feel good again. Be back in the relationship I've all but destroyed. To love school again and not hate getting up and going every day. To live life again. I keep hearing be here in the now. I understand the concept and the importance but I want to be able to live it. I want to be able to get in touch with my emotions. I've spent 20 years running from them and I'm tired of running. I am trying to reach out, and I'm trying to be in touch with everything. My therapist thinks that the anxiety has been covering up for all of these underlying emotions and maybe even the depression episodes I've been going through. Either way he thinks the medicine will help. That is a totally other story. I mean I guess I'll know what they want me on Thursday, and then see how it works after that. I'm keeping an open mind. I'm praying it will work. And I'm trying not to let it scare me off again.
Anyway, Thank you to everyone who reads this. I've spent years hiding my story. Whether it was shame or fear I don't share it often. Thank you for reading and thank you for giving me a place to share what I've been going through. Getting it out in the open takes a big weight off my chest.