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Author Topic: Suffering partner have spells of relationship doubts, and I cant take it anymore  (Read 264 times)

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Offline walkingonglass

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Hi Everyone.
Im writing here because I feel like I really need someone to talk to. Someone who understands....So I turn to you guys, who can give me the best advice.

My significant other suffers with anxiety. We have been in a relationship for the past 3 years. Because I know what he is dealing with, I try my best to be patient, stay calm, be positive, supportive at all times. Even the times when I do not have the strength. I am by no means perfect, but I really try my best to be an understanding partner. I really do.

The issue is, he was diagnosed with anxiety before I knew him and was on medication for a while and then stopped. He is constantly worried about anything and everything, jobs, finance, family, friends, our relationship...just everything. I feel like he has this constant fear inside of him that something is gonna go wrong. For example, he recently got a new job. One that he wanted for years, and when he finally got the job I thought he would be happy. Instead, he was anxious that the month gap he had until starting this new job, something was going to go horribly wrong. I understand that this is a part of the illness, and honestly anyone suffering with this is soo brave because I cannot imagine how it would be to always be scared and worried.
The thing is though, when I try telling him that maybe its worth going to a doctor again, he brushes it off. He doesn't fully recognize that it is his anxiety that is acting up.

The reason why I am writing this post is, every now and then..he gets doubts about our relationship. In my point of view, we have a great relationship. We are best friends, we are intimate, we laugh together, share the joys and troubles of life, we rely on eachother, we plan our future together, we are affectionate etc. I am so in love with this person, which is why it hurts me so much when he suddenly doesn't know if we are suitable for each other.
And that is when I break, and let my emotions take over. I get scared that he will leave because he has these doubts. I mean, the doubts always go away and we continue being happy.

Its just, when those doubts come up its tears me apart and I just feel so scared. I let my emotions get to me and I kind of have a bit of an outburts which he doesnt understand. So for example, he will ask me out of the blue "do you think we are suitable for eachother". When he says stuff like that, I ask him over and over "WHY do you ask this, do you feel like we dont?" etc. And his reply willl always be "I am JUST asking your view and that is IT, nothing more"

I just want to ask you guys, is this his anxiety speaking? Because there is literally no other reason for him to be unsure of me and him. And if it is his anxiety speaking, then how in the world can I control my emotions and fears? My tears are rolling down as I am writing, all I want to do is be a good partner but sometimes it honestly tears me apart.

I would be so deeply grateful if anyone else can share a similar story or any other opinions. I really dont have anyone to talk about, as my closest friends to not understand how it is to have an illness like this and be constantly worried.

Thank you so much guys. 
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Offline soaringfalcon

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It is most definitely his anxiety speaking. I've been married for nearly 18 years and I *still* get fearful that he will wake up and decide I'm not the right one.  That he will be tired of my anxiety and leave.  There's no rhyme or reason to these thoughts, it just happens.  That's the thing about anxiety, you may see something completely and totally insignificant, and your brain just runs with it.  Then you start obsessing blah, blah.

IMO, the best thing you can in this situation is just reassure him.  It's NOT personal, I promise.  It's the anxiety speaking.
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Online flyaway

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This could have been written by my partner about me!

Yes it most likely is his anxiety.  I am normally quite an easy going girlfriend, however when I am in the depths of anxiety I become Miss Clingy and Unsure.  I will constantly ask my man "do you love me? do you think we're good together?" etc.

My advice would be, don't take it personally - yes I know this is hard.  It's about him, not you.  If he's going through what I am, he just needs to feel safe.

He is very lucky to have someone that cares about him so much, and by the sounds of it he knows it!
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Offline walkingonglass

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Thanks ladies. Really appreciate your replies.

The thing is that, when I do reassure him say "I think we are great together" he will still say "But, we're so different and we're opposite". Then I ask him "Are you happy?" he will say "Yes I am happy". This is what I dont understand, when I try to reassure him...there is always a "but". Then again, he says he's happy.... And to be honest, we have a great relationship and I am so happy with him. I want to be with him the rest of my life, through out the good and bad.

I just dont understand whether this is really the anxiety speaking, cause 99% of the time we are so happy. But when he has doubts, it honestly kills me and I get scared he will one day believe his doubts and leave. He is easily affected by other peoples opinions as well because he doesn't trust his own thoughts. What do you guys think? Is it his anxiety?

I haven't slept the whole night cause I was so devastated :(
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Online Cuchculan

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People with a certain type of anxiety can doubt almost anything at all. They will go through life picking at things. Did they do that right. Could they have done it better. Did they say the right thing. In other words they will act out something. Then play the whole event back over and over again in their heads. In my own opinion that kind of thing is a form of OCD. Never been happy that things are right. They question everything. Anything they do is brought into doubt. I would be trying to make him keep a journal in list form. Why he thinks things will go wrong for him. List out ten reasons why his mind sees it as going wrong. That way he can view his own thoughts. In looking back at such a thing he might see how irrational these thoughts really are. Ten reasons why you would ever want to leave him. Things he has seen that point to you not been happy with him. More just to let him see his way of thinking. Once they see this, they can see how silly their thinking really is. How it makes no sense at all. Truth is that he should be getting help for his condition. If he is not it would be a good idea for him to see somebody in the form of a good therapist. So he can sort out his way of viewing life. But a lot of people with anxiety do question such things as relationships. Some because they fear loss. The loss of people close to them. Which is something they know they could never handle. Hard to know what his thinking might be. With some they might wonder are they best off alone. Then they would not have to have that fear of loss. The anxiety mind logic. It is irrational. But it can be how they think.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline walkingonglass

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Cuchculan: That is exactly how he is. He is constantly contemplating about if he did something right, if he could have done it better. All the what ifs. The issue is though, he doesnt fully recognize his thoughts are from his anxiety, I have advised him a few times to go to someone and he wont. He also listens to other peoples opinions alot which makes me nervous, because they dont know anything about our relationship so I fear that if anyone gives him negative advice he will listen to this and just leave me :( He has had moments of doubts before, and things have been bad between us a long time ago but he has never actually left. I just dont know how to handle the fear I get and the emotions I feel when he is in doubt. It really hurts me :(
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Offline anxietycoachNH

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This is most definitely anxiety. Anxiety has a way of making us feel terribly unsure and insecure, he is looking for constant reassurance because it is common for those of us who struggle to rely on other's compliments and/or praise to feel good about ourselves, we haven't discovered how to do that for ourselves yet. In addition, shame often accompanies anxiety, it's a typical by-product. We often feel undeserving, it's one of the issues that contribute to our anxiety. In all honesty, he probably fears losing you even if in his heart he knows you love him unconditionally, bad anxiety could make a person question whether or not the sky was actually blue. BUT, I think it's important to maybe seek couples counseling, especially if he's unaware that anxiety is actually playing a bigger role in his life than he realizes. For me, it took a BAD phase of anxiety and panic attacks to realize that I did indeed actually have an anxiety order that really needed to be addressed, my quality of life now is SO much better, and I look back thinking how did I not know.... He may not even realize the way he is living is anxious, he's probably been this way his entire life and it's second nature at this point. Seeing a counselor together will create a safe space and someone to mediate the conversation because he may be in denial and this may be a touchy subject for him for a while. Good luck!
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Offline walkingonglass

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anxietycoachNH, thank you for your reply. Everything you are describing is exactly how he is. He always feels the need to be reassured and always wants to be accepted by other people. I feel for anyone who is suffering with this, you guys are so strong and I admire you!

Thank you so much everyone else who has replied to this for the support and advice.
I am not gonna stop being there for him and supporting him whatever happens and I will make sure to advise him as much as I can to get appropriate help.
Felt really good to speak to someone that understands though, so thank you :)
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