Hi everyone, ill try and make this short.
It started in December, and to begin with I had panic attacks every night and during the day I was very panicky and anxious. About a week later I started feeling better, and soon after it almost completely vanished except for the occasional anxious thought every hour or so. It just didn't cling on and I was able to let go of the thoughts.
Around Christmas time it returned again but I didnt have any panic attacks. I just generally felt anxious but not as bad. The main thing was these annoying, constant thoughts. That is my problem now. All I can think about permanently is the anxiety. Its not even rational worry, or worry about anything physical, its just a constant reminder that I should be feeling anxious. When im happy and feeling good, it comes into my head and sort of tells me that I shouldnt be feeling happy. Then Im always worrying about it never getting better in the future and also wishing I could go back. I feel like I cant fully enjoy things or truly be happy/relaxed because of the thoughts popping in.
I often wake up in the morning with a fast hearbeat and its like the aftermath of a panic attack. From the instant im awake the thoughts flood in and make me feel sad.
There is also no pattern. Regardless of what happens during the day, good or bad, I still have the thoughts. Even if I feel great, they are still there.
Its good to think I am still generally happy i suppose. I still enjoy everything I used to and still like to have fun and laugh.
Sometimes it feels like an argument in my head. The bad side will tell me I should feel sad and anxious and the good side will say Im fine and it will calm me a bit. Sometimes I get a calm feeling of a sort of relaxation for a few seconds but then an anxious thought knocks it out of the way.
I sometimes have really exited/happy times that usually just last until I go to sleep, that can be triggered by anything really. One time I saw Harry Potter on TV and ended up wanting to order the entire set of DVD's and books, then wanted to write my own book, and the listened to about every piece of music I have. Another time something as simple as a song on the radio set me off and I ended up going on the internet and spending about half an hour just listening to music. I dont know what causes these manic periods, they can happen any time but usually at night. Sometimes I get a sense of happiness or relaxation that I cant explain and feel really good about myself but it only lasts a few minutes.
To be honest I dont think I need/want medication. I dont really want to make a fuss or big deal of it, considering that I KNOW as a fact I can overcome it. Sometimes later in the day I will feel absolutely fine, the thoughts wont even bother me because they will just fade away quickly, even if Im bored or sad they wont be there.
I only consider going to a doctor or whatever when Im feeling anxious because my mind is racing. The majority of the time I feel as if I just need some time away from everything like a holiday.
I really dont want to make a fuss though, and I think that if I did go on medication or see a therapist or whatever, I'd end up feeling worse knowing I've really got anxiety.
So heres my question, sorry if its a stupid/unanswerable one.
Do you think I actually have anxiety? Sometimes I doubt it and sometimes I act like a doctor diagnosing myself with it, but its so inconsistent with anxiety symptoms that sometimes I wonder if I've just made thinking this way a normal thing to my brain and thats whats happening.