I have been really struggling with "psyching myself out" lately. I am absolutely terrified to make the first effort to do something, and horribly ashamed later when I don't. This could range anywhere from getting up and cooking a meal or making a sandwich to going to my painting studio to work on an intimidating project.
It starts out with passive laziness; I'm tired, I'm comfortable where I am, I don't want to have to get in the car, put on pants, shoes, etc.
Then it quickly grows into fear and self depreciating thoughts; I'm going to screw up whatever I cook/draw/paint/clean, so why bother, what ifs and what will people think (afraid my roommate will see me failing at something, classmates will see my sloppy work), etc
Shortly after, it turns into a full blown anxiety attack and I am shaking and nauseous and my head and abdomen hurt and I can't even fathom the thought of leaving my bed. The prospect of seeing others and them seeing me makes me want to vomit and there us just no way no way I can get up and do the thing I had wanted to do. What was I thinking???
Then.... An hour or so later,or maybe many hours later when my anxiety has died down, I'm downright humiliated and angry that I didn't get that thing done. I worry about my health because I will forget to eat (note: not due to body dysmorphia, just because I am embarrassed about preparing food) and my schoolwork becomes sloppy because I never end up taking the plunge and going to my studio to work. I cannot work at home like I would prefer, where I can screw up and panic out of sight, but I HAVE to go work ony art among others.... This cycle is continually getting the best of me.
Does anyone else go through this? Why is it always the most mundane, normal things that must terrify me? I've been laying down for two hours now trying to calm down enough to go to the studio. I have a lot of work to do and I just can't do it.... I'm growing more ashamed of myself by the minute and the depressive thought pattern is doing nothing to encourage me...