Firstly, I know this seems like a complete eyeful to read, but I'd so appreciate it if at least one person could read (or even skim) my story, as I could really use some advice, as I'm at a loss of what to do, and my anxiety is out
I'm a freshman in high school and I have emetephobia and pure obsessional OCD. I've been having a really hard time since 2 months after high school started (around November) and I'm starting to get really worn down. I've had anxiety since kindergarten, it normally gets a little better in the spring/summer, but as soon as school starts up again everything gets pretty bad. I have a really supportive mom and dad, but lately, they've just been making things worse. Normally, my mom is more involved in my anxiety, as she's home more often (my dad is a lieutenant so he works long days) and she used to always take me to my therapist. This year, my mom decided to involve my dad for whatever reason, and although I love my dad very much, he's very easily angered and we often get in fights despite how much we love eachother. My parents and the people at school have now resolved against ever sending me home due to my anxiety, which makes me feel even more trapped than I already do. Ever since things started getting bad again, (and by bad, I mean I'm missing class and spending almost an hour in the nurse/guidance office every day due to the fact that I constantly feel extremely anxious- the physical aspect really takes a toll, as I constantly feel nauseous and sick at school, so I don't eat my lunch, but as soon as I get home I'm fine and I have the ability to eat whatever I want because the nausea subsides) matters have been made worse by my dad. We scheduled to have a 504 plan set up for school as the school personnel (my teachers, guidance counselor, and nurse) were starting to get fed up with me. We applied and received the plan just a few days ago, but the school has actually been increasingly worse at dealing with me. If I leave class to take a break, I'm only allowed 2 minutes (On the dot, I swear they actually time me) and then I'm met with looks of disapproval and irritability when I tell them that my panic attack has still not subsided within the two minutes. Even yesterday, the nurse told me that she "doesn't have time to deal with me" when she was just sitting there at the desk, with no clear signs that she was extremely busy to the point where she couldn't just let me sit down for a few minutes. This incident upset me a lot, because I realize how much of a bother I am to others, and I try my best not to be, but I'm going through a really rough time where I need assistance. Additionally, a few days ago I had a really rough morning getting to school, so I asked my mom if I could talk to her privately real quick before we left, but as soon as I said that, my dad completely blew his top and grabbed my arm, ran me to the couch and sat me down, and he just screamed at me for a good 10 minutes. He told me that he was going to send me to a "special school for delinquents" and that he was going to "call the cops" if I continued to have issues going to school. He also threatened to take me to the hospital, which made matters WAY worse, as he really upset me and made me feel like I was some kind of cut up criminal. (Before I go on for anyone who's reading, I've always been that girl who's extremely respectful to school personnel, and any adults at that matter, I've always been the one who does her homework and is an honor roll student, but now I feel like this is all slipping away from me. I'm losing a majority of my friends because I can't hang out with them, either because I'm too anxious or I'm grounded for being too anxious, and I've made the decision to stop playing basketball and volleyball after 8 years of playing due to an extreme heightening of my anxiety during games and practices, despite my love of both sports) I feel like such an absolute bother to everyone, in every aspect of my life. I've been really trying to improve and use the techniques that my CBT therapist has been giving me, but if I have a rough day, I'm yelled at and reprimanded for not trying hard enough, even though I kind of classify just staying at school the whole day an accomplishment, as it's really really hard for me. The past week (excluding today) I went to school with no issue and I went to every class, something I thought my family would be proud of, but just because I missed three classes today due to major panic attacks (A lot of people are sick in my school, some coughing, and some with the stomach bug, which is a major trigger for me) I came home only to be yelled at for not trying hard enough and for not putting enough effort in. I just feel really discouraged at the moment and I could really use some advice, so thank you so much to anyone who read my whole story! Also, I was just wondering if it would be better for me to go to a school for special kids (not that I want to at all, but at this speed, it seems as if my parents are a few hours from sending me away), because I'd really like to hear from someone who's been at one, and I'd love to hear some experiences! One last thing, does it seem as if I need a reality check? The fact that people have been constantly bothered by me lately has been really upsetting, and I've been majorly overthinking whether or not this is me on the road to becoming crazy (one of my biggest fears) and being hospitalized/institutionalized, if I'm actually not trying hard enough, and if I'm being disrespectful and bothersome, especially to the people at school?
Additionally, I did try a very small dose of Zoloft (an SSRI) for 3 weeks over Christmas break, but the only thing it did was cause extreme weight loss, nausea, depression (which I have no history of), a heightening in my symptoms, depersonalization, a very overstimulated, almost crazy feeling, and constant crying (I cried more on that medication than I probably have my whole life), and I'm currently reading multiple books on curing emetephobia and I see a CBT/OCD/specific phobia specialist once a week.