I'm actually not even sure I'm posting this in the right place, but I'd like to hear some input. I want to make sure I'm not crazy. As many anxiety stories I read about, I can't seem to comfort myself about how crazy I feel all the time.
My name is Lorena and I am a 20 year old woman. I am an event coordinator and I need to be perfect.. in everything. I at least have to take 1.5 hours for my hair and make-up in the morning because everything has to be perfect. If it's not perfect, my whole day is ruined. When I date people, I overthink every single thing I say and do. Even after the fact, I replay actions and words said especially when your date is unresponsive. I also have a ton of stomach problems, which I hear is common in people with anxiety. I've had gastritis and IBS for years now and I have now given up on normal eating habits. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I literally never want to go into fast food buildings, grocery stores, etc. because I feel like people are always looking at me and judging me. This inhibits me from going A TON of places. I don't go to parties anymore. I rarely go out in public if I'm not dressed to perfection. I mean, I will, but it's not an ideal situation for me.
I'm also very confused because I'm an event coordinator. I mean, obviously I can't be too debilitated by my anxiety if I can coordinate weddings from start to finish. Is my perfectionism and anxiety why I am so good at what I do? I stand in front of tons of people and coordinate rehearsals, talk to people every second of the day, tell people what to do and all with such confidence. Sometimes I think I'm even fooling myself. Every person that meets me says that I have such a great personality and that I am beautiful. What I always say to myself is, "At what cost?" Do I spend too much time trying to impress people I don't know and not enough time building relationships with people I need to be building relationships with? I only have one best friend and she is the only one that absolutely knows that, contrary of what people see at my place of work, that I am reserved, scared and overthink.. EVERYTHING.
How can it be that I am a social butterfly to everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, around me, but when I sit and think about my life - friends, family, work, school, etc. - I feel like I am so lost and so hopeless and will never fit in anywhere.
I honestly, just want someone to let me know that I am not alone - that I am a normal person no matter how crazy I feel.