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Author Topic: Boyfriend scared me after "fight"  (Read 622 times)

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Offline feeldreamlove

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Boyfriend scared me after "fight"
« on: January 29, 2014, 11:15:50 AM »
I have been with my boyfriend just a little less than a year (next month will be 1 year together).

We moved in together a few months ago to a new city and I have been stressed because I haven't found full time work yet and have been having financial issues. This is a stressor for me and I warned him about it in advance so that it wouldn't come as a total surprise.

Over the last month I made 2 very poor decisions and used some substances that caused a really bad reaction. The first time it was something I'd never taken before and I came out of it feeling very scared. I was paranoid for days and it was a truly horrifying experience. My boyfriend was supportive as he could be (he is not the most open with emotions and will listen to me talk on and on but is typically a man of few words).

A week or so after this, my car broke down while driving home one night. I had AAA tow me into the city and my boyfriend came and met me at the auto shop and we caught the bus home together.

I was worried about paying for my car repairs and he offered to loan me the money. I was greatly appreciative but did not want to accept it unless I absolutely had to.

I have a serious problem asking for and/or accepting monetary help from people. It makes me feel worthless when I cannot support myself and it is a really bad way of valuing myself. Something I am working on.

Another week or so after that, I made a really bad choice and took another substance with all my housemates, including my bf.

I had a horrific, terrifying experience. This was about a week ago. I was awake for over 30 hours, afraid to eat, terrified that all my teeth were going to fall out. It was like all the anxiety about everything I had ever experienced in my life all packed into one. It was so scary and so horrible.

I was supposed to drive us all to a friend's party several days after that and I just was not up to going. I mentioned this earlier in the week and wavered between feeling stable and not.

At first, my boyfriend was supportive. I came home early from work last Friday because I was physically shaking and nauseous. I cried into my boyfriend's arms and told him to tell me that everything would be okay to which he replied "it is okay." I understand that all of this is in my mind but it hurt to hear that because things - in my world - were not okay in that moment.

The next night, my boyfriend and roommate were up reallly late playing music loud while I was trying to sleep. I went upstairs twice to ask them to turn it down. I went up a third time to take a xanax my other roommate had given me (I usually never take these but he gave one to me because of my extreme anxiety after the bad experience I had). This time, my boyfriend came over to ask if it was still too loud and I got mad.

Then our roommate interjected - asking if I was happy living in the house and getting all involved in my relationship. Asking all these questions which were kind of not his place to ask.
I said I didn't feel up to going to the party the next day.
Eventually my boyfriend totally shut down emotionally and got really mad. He called me a negative nancy and suddenly it was like our whole relationship was on the line because of this whole overblown incident.

The friendship between my roommate and boyfriend scares me. I feel like my roommate is rubbing off on my boyfriend because of issues and a recent breakup with his girlfriend. The situations and details are totally different. Also, he has an alcohol problem that is influencing my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I went about 2 days without talking really at all after this. I went to work the day after this happened and went straight to a friend's house afterwards (this was also the day I was supposed to drive to the party). I just wanted to give him ***** and back off.

The next day, we both worked and did not see each other until the evening.

When he came home I finally asked if we could talk and we went to our room to do so.

I told him I was sorry for expecting so much out of one person. It's a lot to ask all your needs are fulfilled all the time by one person. I was genuinely sorry for overwhelming him.

He was so cold. It seemed like he was ready to throw our relationship away. He said I was driving him crazy. He said it seemed like drama for drama's sake.

We are supposed to go see a concert this weekend (he got me tickets for my birthday a few months back) and he even said I should give his ticket away to a friend.

I spent this whole time assuring him that I am doing what I need to do to be the healthiest version of myself (I truly am - I have stopped using any substances. I am not drinking alcohol, I quit smoking cigarettes 3 weeks ago, I have called a therapist's office to find out about setting up counseling). I told him that I am not usually like this and gently reminded him that he's seen me in other stressful situations and my usual response is to look on the bright side and do all within my power to make things better. (This summer, my father was extremely ill and many times I thought he was dying. I did not freak out. I kept my composure, went to work, visited my dad as much as possible. Perhaps two nights total I cried to my boyfriend and he was sweet and supportive.)

It hurt my feelings so much that he couldn't see outside of the last few weeks and realize that I am not usually like this, that taking these substances set me off on a really bad track (and believe me I have learned my lesson - I am not taking ANYTHING again).

It also hurt that he seemed so willing to give up.

Maybe I am blind or stupid but in my heart I KNOW he is better than this.

I know, too, that I have been A LOT to handle in these past weeks and maybe he was just at his wit's end with me. I get it.

I need to talk to him again - ask him if he really meant all of what he said.

This was the first time we had any semblance of a fight (usually all we disagree or come close to fighting about is directions when I am driving and we got lost all the time - normal couple stuff!) and I think maybe he just said some things he didn't mean because it's been such an intense few weeks.

We are so good together - everyone who sees us can see all the love that is there. His family loves me and I know they think we will get married someday.

We really truly love each other very much (and he did say he loved me even while we were fighting).

I am not ready to give up on this relationship. I gave up a lot to come here to be with him and I did that because I thought it was worth it. I still think we can overcome this (and use what we've gained about how each other works to navigate future situations).

What I am afraid of, though, is that he does not feel like it's worth it - and if that is true then I refuse to put my feelings and self on the line to prove it to him. I should not have to prove it. And up until now there was no question for either of us.

We have been getting along better since talking. He is sleeping in bed with me again and we are saying good morning and good night like usual.

We get along so well most of the time - he is sweet to me and I am sweet to him. We do nice things for each other, are considerate, are affectionate and very loving.

I am just looking for some feedback. I can't tell if I'm being blinded by my love for him. I fear that he will be unsupportive at dire times in the future - but I truly feel like this whole month long crazy experience was the exception and not the rule.

Like I said, I am not willing or ready to give up. I think he is better than this and I need to talk to him again.

I am just afraid and I don't want to do something totally stupid that will only cause me pain.

Any thoughts are appreciated. Any similar stories or situations.

Thank you all for reading if you got this far. I know this is very long.

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Offline colorlessideas

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Re: Boyfriend scared me after "fight"
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2014, 04:23:37 PM »
I can relate to a lot of what you've said. The best thing you can do is be strong, be nice to yourself. And I really think if your boyfriend tells you that he loves you even in argument he means it.

I am really bad about not "accepting" love. I am looking for my worst fears (that he is going to abandon me, treat me poorly,etc.) to come true instead of looking at things objectively. And that only makes it worse. Instead of seeing things as just neutral, I try to find some hidden meaning in them. It is a mistake that just makes you more sad. Don't try to compile "evidence" against him. If something bothers you,  decide how important it is and if it is important, you need to talk about it. He is not perfect, you are not perfect, but that doesn't mean you aren't good for one another. (This is what I have to tell myself)

It takes a lot of work to have a relationship. We have this false Hollywood notion that every single day should be a good day if we are in love. It doesn't happen. But the rough times can make the good times seem even better.

And my boyfriend definitely has the problem of not seeing beyond the present. He tells me things like "You're always sick, you're always sad." And I have to remind him, no, I had a bad week, but remember all those good months we just had? They are so impatient and childish sometimes. And they say the wrong things. But we do things that seem equally annoying too, that's the nature of relationships.

Trust yourself, be nice to yourself, and be proud of all the positive steps you've already taken. If he sees that you're continuing to take care of yourself, he'll respond positively. And if not, you can move on to something better.

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Offline Potatoes

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Re: Boyfriend scared me after "fight"
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2014, 04:53:17 PM »

It is very responsible and caring for you to accept the fact that you have made a few mistakes and you're willing to get yourself back on track. There are a lot of people who like to do things, take shortcuts in life, and chase the feel goods. There are no shortcuts in life and the fact that you have come to realize "hey, I'm not going to do this anymore, I'm going to turn myself back in the right direction." shows you are responsible and caring towards yourself and your boyfriend.

This sounds like this span of time has been hectic for the both of you, and even though you two are fighting and he's apparently struggling, you owe it to him that you give him the same courtesy dignity and respect that he had given you prior to your mishaps. This is something that you need to view from someone elses shoes. I heard you mentioned seeking a counsellor, that is most likely your first big step towards the right direction. If you want something so bad and to lead a happy satisfied life you have to stay commited, even if you think that everything around you is falling apart.

We all do stuff that we shouldn't do, that's frowned upon, but what's life without the risk? There's nothing wrong there. it's all in what you let control YOUR life.

I took my pickup out in the woods 4x4'ing when I knew I had a weak U-joint, but I still did it anyways because all my buddies were going out and I didn't want to take the time to fix it. What's the cost of a U-joint? $40? $50? What do I do? I take my pickup out anyways even though I know I shouldn't have... ended up busting my U-joint, snapping my steering knuckle and breaking part of my half shaft. I'm looking at $600 out of just a scrap yard to fix it, that's not even answering the question if I can fix it without special tools. I looked at where my upper ball joint had busted out... I'm praying that that isn't busted or I'll have to probably replace the whole front end. I was being stupid, I drove it all the way home, when I could have even just called a wrecker who would have delivered it to my house for $120. Sure I was upset about it, had a lot of guilt and blame going on with it, but I decided that I'm going to take that as a learning experience and then some day if I face the same situation I'll know what path to take.

Hang in there with your boyfriend, even take a few days to let everything cool down. There's no sense in trying to solve the issue when both of you are heated and upset, you become irrational.

It will work out, if he supported what you have gone through then he will be there to talk things through.

As for your room mate, anyone can manipulate or influence someone to do something wrong, but it's ultimately his will to look past the not-so-truthful talk.. so I'm sure you're safe there.

take care.
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