In trouble...

[bananared17]

Hey I'm a college student and I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks ever since high school. Anyway, this semester I have this one class Wed nights that I only have once a week and it is in a tiny room in the library (seriously half the size of a bedroom) and since there are about 15 students and a teacher and his t.a., we all have to cram in there and there's not even any desks, only this big rectangular table that we have to squeeze around. I'm not claustrophobic, but being forced to sit there because I can't just get up and leave in the middle of class, where I feel like everyone is invading my personal space and being extremely uncomfortable for 3 hrs just sets off all my anxiety triggers and every time I have a panic attack.

I went to the class in the beginning of the semester, but because I basically feel like I'm having a heart attack every time I set foot in that room, I've skipped it 6 times in a row. Yes, 6...ugh, not the smartest thing I know, but every time I would come up with some reason why I didn't have to go and I couldn't control my anxiety. Therefore, I've made up a bunch of excuses to my teacher why I haven't been in class, but since I've missed so much, she's just emailed me asking what's going on and that I'm not getting the full benefits of the class, etc. Which I know I'm not, but my focus is on just getting through the day. My panic attacks and anxiety have felt so crippling the past few months that I barely leave my apartment and now I'm worried that I'm really starting to have issues with agoraphobia. The only place I feel safe is when I'm at home, alone.

Anyway, I am completely stuck on how to deal with this problem because I've run out of believable excuses and I'm scared I could really mess up right now. Part of me just wants to sit down and tell my teacher that I suffer from severe anxiety, but then she'd know that I've been lying to her all along, and it's not like I can produce any documentation or like a doctor's note or something, ya know? Plus she doesn't have office hours, she's an adjunct professor so I'd have to either email or do it in person, and I definitely do not do well with confrontations (and I don't want my classmates to overhear at allll).

Any advice? Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this? I feel like she's just gonna look at me like I'm crazy and tell me to get over it, suck it up, and make it to her class or else she's failing me. I know she definitely has the right to do that, but now my anxiety is a hundred times worse about going to her class and having to see her face to face... 

[mprinceton]

hi banard,

Reading your post is almost a recreation of what I went through while getting my undergraduate degree. It seemed like each semester there would be one class with one particular room, presentation, or group of students of faculty that wuold set me off. I too lived in an apartment allone and when things got real bad I secluded myself to only television and internet. Let me tell you how I got through did it and try to relate it to whats going on with you.

First off is the Professor by anychance within the Psychology Department? If so I would definately think about an e-mail saying you'd like to talk to her in office hours. Go to the office hours shut the door and let her know you've been having panic attacks and are a patient. Definately do not talk to the TA about the anxiety issue as they often times they are immature and don't handle things appropriately and in confidence. If they aren't a Psychology professor or related to the medical field then just use your best judgement. You dont' owe them a doctors note or anything. All they need to know is that you got an anxiety disorder and that you're in treatment.

Next this is what I did when things got out of control. Does your College of University have a Medical Center or medical offices close by? I myself didn't feel comfortable going to the Student Counseling center so I went straight to a Medical Center and got hooked up with an excellent doctor who I saw once a week. I honestly credit him getting me through college. So find a consult with a Psychiatrist and then once you meet him/her ask them to hook you up with a Doctorate trained Cognitive Behavioral Therapist either a PhD or MD. They call it CBT for short. So this way you get some as needed medicine to get you back rolling again. And the CBT will teach you how to move on from this thing and most of the time get you off the medicines. Btw dont' feel bad about medicine in the interim thats what its there for. CBT and Psychiatry services are usually readily available in any reasonably large town and should accept any student health insurance or if its a medical center they may have other ways of billing since your a student. 

You will also like having the time during the week to visit a doctor/therapist it breaks up the mundane stress of just going to class. I'll be thinking of you. No doubt you will make it through this, you just don't know it yet. (thats the way this disorder goes)

mprinceton

[bananared17]

Thanks so much for your words of support mprinceton! It's a relief to hear about someone else who went through what I'm going through. I've caught up with most of my school work, except for that wednesday class. My professor is actually an adjunct teacher, so he doesn't have office hours, and we have to go through email with his t.a. in order to reach him. So in order for me to talk to him (since I keep avoiding the class) is through her email. I know that in order to have any chance of saving my grade I need to contact them and tell them what's going on, it's just I feel paralyzed where I don't even want to look at my email to see if they've emailed me again about missing so much class. And it feels like they're not going to believe me when I talk to them through email because it will sound like just another college student's excuse, but I'm terrified of going to the class or talking to him face to face. Ugh, Idk, I just can't wait for this class to be over!!

I actually am at the point where I realize that I NEED to start looking for professional help so that I can get a handle on my problems, but I'm moving at the end of the semester and I just didn't want to find a doctor and then have to leave in a couple weeks anyway. So even though I know that I really could use the help now, it just doesn't seem logical to spend all that money and then have to start all over again. Right now I'm just trying to get through everything without failing my classes, but I'm definitely not sure about that wednesday class. I just feel like I can't force myself to go back to that classroom....and if I can't even make it back to the class, how am I ever going to pass the class?

[Door]

I was in similar situations throughout my undergraduate work.  Whenever my agoraphobia and panic attacks got out of hand, I'd miss class and watch my grade tank.  I'd go to the professor and tell them the truth.  Surprisingly, they are understanding.  I guess when a person undergoes the rigor of pursuing a PhD and getting published, etc., they know panic.  If they don't have attacks themselves, I'm sure they see their colleagues fall under anxiety.

The worst case outcome of talking to a professor was that I got an incomplete.

[mprinceton]

hi door and banana,

Each time I think about this it brings me back to the College days and how difficult it was. Had I had a better handle on the disorder and been a little more forthright I think my GPA would have been a lot different and I would be in graduate school right now. I too many times had the Philosophy of "its almost over, what do I need to get a diploma, I don't care about the low grade lets just get this over with and done".

Banana one other great thing I was going to mention was that you send an email or do an appointment with the Dean of Students. The Dean of Students are almost always special people who are carring and want to hear about things specifically like this. And let me tell you every Dean of Students at any College has helped students with Anxiety/Panic and Depression get through their courses. They are great. They actually go and contact your individual Professors for you and make sure everything is going well. Just a thought because my sibling did this and things where phenominal.

And like door said they are all very understanding and get "anxiety". And the idea of an Incomplete isn't bad at all. You can usually finish it from a distance. Thats great to hear about the move a change in atmosphere can work wonders.

all the best to you both

mprinceton