In trouble

[bananared17]

Hey I'm a college student and I've suffered with anxiety and panic attacks ever since high school. Anyway, this semester I have this one class Wed nights that I only have once a week and it is in a tiny room in the library (seriously half the size of a bedroom) and since there are about 15 students and a teacher and his t.a., we all have to cram in there and there's not even any desks, only this big rectangular table that we have to squeeze around. I'm not claustrophobic, but being forced to sit there because I can't just get up and leave in the middle of class, where I feel like everyone is invading my personal space and being extremely uncomfortable for 3 hrs just sets off all my anxiety triggers and every time I have a panic attack.
I went to the class in the beginning of the semester, but because I basically feel like I'm having a heart attack every time I set foot in that room, I've skipped it 6 times in a row. Yes, 6...ugh, not the smartest thing I know, but every time I would come up with some reason why I didn't have to go and I couldn't control my anxiety.
Therefore, I've made up a bunch of excuses to my teacher why I haven't been in class, but since I've missed so much, she's just emailed me asking what's going on and that I'm not getting the full benefits of the class, etc. Which I know I'm not, but my focus is on just getting through the day. Anyway, I am completely stuck on how to deal with this problem because I've run out of believable excuses and I'm scared I could really mess up right now. Part of me just wants to sit down and tell my teacher that I suffer from severe anxiety, but then she'd know that I've been lying to her all along, and it's not like I can produce any documentation or like a doctor's note or something, ya know? Plus she doesn't have office hours, she's an adjunct professor so I'd have to either email or do it in person, and I definitely do not do well with confrontations (and I don't want my classmates to overhear at allll).
Any advice? Has anyone else ever dealt with a situation like this? I feel like she's just gonna look at me like I'm crazy and tell me to get over it, suck it up, and make it to her class or else she's failing me. I know she definitely has the right to do that, but now my anxiety is a hundred times worse about going to her class and having to see her face to face...

[MJF]

How are your grades in the class? 

If you are doing very well, and you are just not showing up to lecture, then you should tell her.  You do not have to tell her the whole story, but you need to make her understand that it is difficult for you to come and sit there because of anxiety.  Maybe you could ask her to allow you to have breaks during the 3 hour period - if the time is broken up into smaller segments then maybe you would be able to handle it a bit better.   I have taught college, and I have seen a whole range of excuses and problems, and if a good, hard-working student has a true problem as you do, I know that I would try to help.  What are the requirements of the class?  Does not attending this discussion/lecture impact your grade?

If you are doing poorly in her class, then you have a much harder issue - I know that I would have a hard time with someone that does not show up AND does not do the work. 

[bananared17]

Hi MJF, thanks for replying.

The weird thing about this class (it's a policy based class) is that we don't have any grades yet. We have one paper on a specific policy that we can basically turn in anytime, and then the rest of the class is based on an internship and a journal/project we do in reaction to that that we turn in on the last day of class. Actual class time is spent just discussing themes and there have been many guest speakers to talk about certain policies and we've had many books to read throughout the semester. However, there are no actual tests or quizzes and my friend who is in the class tells me all the time that honestly, I'm not missing anything, especially since I have the books. I have been attending my internship, but I definitely don't go as often as most of the other students. Overall though, I think I could pull off a decent grade in the class if I didn't have to worry about my anxiety about attending class. I"m really just worried that even if I wanted to tell my teacher about the anxiety and panic attacks, she won't understand and won't want to help because I've been making up excuses about being sick and having family problems to explain the first few absences. When choosing between lying to a teacher and having a panic attack, I couldn't help but to choose to lie to my teacher. I'm really worried about the extreme absences and I have no idea how to respond to her email...

[MJF]

This is hard, and I understand how tough it would be to come clean at this point.  Tell her that you continue to have some personal issues, and ask whether it will be an issue to not come to class.  Ask her directly what the impact to your grade will be.  She may not care, as long as you do the work.  But you need to know what is expected of you.  If she presses you for more and says that you will fail, then I think you need to give her some idea of what is going on if you are completely unable to attend the class at this point. 

You need to be at your internship though, as much, if not more than, the other students.  If she does not see you in class, then this internship will likely have more weight in determining your grade.