The subject of intrusive thoughts and the creative process is something I've tried to gain an understanding for for quite some time now; researching the topic via the internet and discussing it with my peers. However, I've found difficulty at reaching a perspective that has reconciled my own distortions about it, and how it effects my life. So, I thought perhaps asking here would at least be step in the right direction at gaining another view on it.
A year ago, after relentless introspection and a cataclysmic epiphany, I decided to drop out of my final year-and-a-half of University to follow my passion; making music. Music has always been something that has brightened up my life, and I have been involved in the production of it is since I was a teenager. I have come to realize that it is something I want to spend my life doing and sharing with the people around me. Sadly, my mind has made following my passion incredibly difficult; sabotaging my efforts by plaguing my creative process with streams of intrusive thoughts and unwanted ideations.
For me, the problem isn't inherently the intrusive thoughts themselves, but the thoughts entangling with my creativity and becoming something much more substantial than just thoughts; physical manifestations. When I sit down to make a track, the fear of an intrusive thought entering my mind and becoming a part of my track distresses me, because I feel like I'm almost immortalizing the thought in my creations. The thought becomes something of it's own and I feel like I can't continue making my track, because it's become contaminated by a part of me that I don't want to acknowledge, accept or have difficulty reconciling. I could make something that excites me and motivates me, and all of a sudden I'll think "Oh MakingMirrors, remember that time when you did _____, and how shameful and guilty that makes you feel?", and that will be enough to discourage me from working further, because sharing something that emanates from me that I can't accept with others is incredibly distressing to me.
This issue seems pretty specific, but regardless, I'd love to hear from anybody about their thoughts and opinions on the matter.
Thank you so much for reading; it means a lot to me.