Hello to all.
Im so glad i have found somewhere i can help and.hopefully be helped.
I hate to tell my story as my panic.and.anxiety stems alot from guilt and i don't want to be judged.i also worry that i don't deserve to be helped...here goes
With hindsight i think I've always suffered with feelings of panic since i was a little girl, although i didn't know it at the time, and i always felt panic when it cane to falling out with friend.
A few years ago i had a lovely circle of close friends and one best friend.over a period of time my friend husband came on to me several times.i handled the situation all wrong and didn't tell him firmly enough to stop it.instead i nervously would laugh it off.i hate to upset people and hate confrontation so i didn't tell anyone.it came to a point where this man would try to kiss me and touch me and eventually went a bit further.now I'm not calling it rape.i take full responsibility for not bring strong enough to tell him to back of or tell his wife, my friend.but i eventually did tell her and as you can imagine out didn't go down well.i lost alot of close friends who all read the situation as black and white that i had slept with my friengs husband
This is when my major panic and anxiety started.
After a few years my friend decided she still wanted to remain friends and we slowly built up a great friendship
She eventually divorced the guy..nothing to do with me..and remarried.
However, the new husband is someone i once had a brief fling with.everyone involved knew the situation but it was not discussed.
Cue me making another huge mistake to mess up our friendship..during a conversation i mentioned the worst thing i could have and have understandably hurt my friend again.she is currently not speaking to me.
I know this may all sound trivial and there are much worse things going on in the world but this is why i am feeling panicky,depressed,guilty, like a terrible person etc
I have been to the docs who have increased my dosage of citalopram and also prescribed beta blockers.
I cannot put the past behind me and it's running my life.i have children i need to be strong for but i cant shake myself out of this mess.
Any words of advice or wisdom will be massively appreciated.