Before I begin, let me say that I'm currently on disability. It has allowed me to escape a very difficult living arrangement due to having income of my own (I could fill paragraphs describing what a health and psychological hazard it was living there but I'll abstain), but that's where a lot of this present anxiety comes from: I feel in grave danger of losing it, and not because of my anxiety/depression attacks getting any better. In fact they're getting worse. I think it's time to explain.
I hated the side effects of my medications, and even with my anxiety present (punctuated with constant fights with friends and roommates, many of them my fault, erosion of ties with family, inability to focus or maintain concentration on even simple tasks like chores and especially organization difficulties), I hated the side effects worse than the small relief they seemed to give. So I tapered myself down, of course not telling my psychiatrist. I kept getting the prescriptions, but I gradually in the past stopped taking them.
During a very recent visit, when I mentioned a lot of my current symptoms (nothing new to her, just re-stating what haunts me), she asked if I had a blood lab done recently. She was taking out some forms. I mentioned, truthfully, that I had a blood lab done to screen for diabetes, kidney problems, and a few other things a few months before that. She said that is good and she'd like a copy of those lab results. I'll be heading to the doctor's office in a few weeks where those things were done, so getting the paperwork isn't the issue.
This is the issue, and the conceptual anxiety I have about it is making my hands tremble, making me cringe with guilt, setting me near a panic attack: That blood work wasn't looking for medications or density of medications, instead it was looking for health problems due to inheritance (it found nothing bad, which is good). She had what I thought was a Freudian slip when she asked me for the blood work results: "I want to know if you're taking - er - what your vitals are and need yearly blood work for your file."
At this point, I both probably need the medications that I've been reluctant to take, because of the escalating personal problems and functioning failures I've had for a while now, gradually getting worse. So getting on it is not as much the issue. My question is: Would health/vitals blood work also indicate my history of shying away from medication?
Am I at risk of losing my disability benefits in an upcoming review (perhaps in a half year or a little more)? Please believe me when I say I'm aware of what a mistake I've made, and I know I need to get back on those medications. I'm afraid of telling the psychiatrist about any of this due to fear of punishment, and I'm more vulnerable than I've been to before to the psychological stress that this situation is making for me.
I guess I don't even know where to begin when asking for help/advice. If anyone knows how this whole process works please tell me. I'd be willing to try new medications that would have less disturbing effects if I could request somehow a new psychiatrist, but that might not be in the cards and I don't even know how to begin the process.
Please go easy on me in your answer. I'm about on the verge to check into a mental hospital.