I am a single mom in my early thirties, live with my boyfriend. We have been talking about getting married recently but I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since we all moved. It was a big move for me and my kids, they do not live in the same state as their dad, that is a totally different story and another thing that has brought on a lot of my anxiety.
My kids' dad and I got together at a young age, we were crazy in love at one time, after a year, he started controlling me and I let that happen, but to keep peace, I would do whatever he wanted me to do just to keep.from arguing. I could not and cannot stand confrontation. I missed out on a lot in my teen years because I allowed all of that to happen. He was also there for me during a tragic part of of my life, the unexpected passing of my dad. That was a hard time for me but as the oldest sibling, I felt that I needed to be the "strong one" for my mom and brother and he was there to help me with that stuff. Years went on, we broke up a couple of times and dated other people but ended up back together and had our first child right after I graduated from high school. We did pretty good as a young couple. A few years went by and we had our second child and while taking care of a newborn my mom became very ill and couldn't be left alone, she lived with my grandparents for a little bit and then moved in with us, it wasn't long after that when hospice was called in, my youngest child was 6 months old when she passing d away, I was in my early 20's. To sit and watch my mom take her last breath, the sound that I heard that morning before she passed, I'll never forget it, my ex was there with me when she passed that morning and he actually performed CPR on her trying to save her but she was already gone. That is when I started losing it.
I was not a happy peson and neither was he, he had told a family member that if it weren't for our kids he wouldn't be with me, which this information was not given to me until after he and I decided to split up. We would argue a lot, it was getting to the point that I hated coming home. I walked on eggshells everyday. He would tell me how bad of a person I was and how useless I was and would call me names. I started to believe everything he would say to me. I started feeling worthless and started hating myself. I lived like that for years until I started talking to a friend of mine at work, he seemed to always have good advice, I followed it and things would get better for a little while and then it would go back to the way it was. I wasn't getting the right kind of attention and so I started talking to my friend more outside of work and the things he would say made me feel human again, that is when I realized that maybe it was over for me and my ex so I decided to end it. It destroyed us. I was on the fence for a long time but decided that I did not need to continue that road. He went down a different path when we were together and that was a road that I wasn't willing to travel or carry my kids down so it was best that we split ways.
I started dating my friend, he is the BEST guy ever. He is great with my kids and they love being around him. He treats me like I'm a human being and not a dog. I forgot what happiness and love felt like. He and I are very affectionate people and he actually shows his love to me and expresses it everyday, it's definitely a change from the last relationship. Things started getting serious between us so he asked me to move in with him. We both work for the same company so I was able to transfer to where he was which required me and my kids to move out of state. I feel awful for taking my kids away from their friends and family, I take them back and forth once a month to visit with their dad, we also split the holidays up, it has seemed to work out well but I still feel bad. I just recently started feeling worthless again, feeling like I just don't want to be here, I went to the doctor, was put on anxiety medication and anti-depressants, the anti-depressant doesn't seem to be working so I am going back to the doctor this week. What I am worried about is I have started literally attacking my boyfriend, telling him that I hate him and physically trying to attack him, it hasn't been pretty the last few weeks but he is still beside me and is willing g to go to counseling with me because he doesn't understand any of this and I can't explain it to him. I am scared, I don't want to lose him or my sanity. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with the anxiety and depression and not let it take over me like it has and how to explain it to my boyfriend?