I am not very good at explaining things, but I will try my best to do so. I have had anxiety all of my life and never got help for it. I constantly battle negative thoughts. As a teenager I was always afraid of doing something, failing, and sounding a certain way to people. I did not get help because I was always afraid of going and getting help. It sounds childish to people that I feel I needed someone to hold my hand and push me to get help.
Well, now I am 30 and in a marriage that is ending because of my anxiety. I have never really had a job because I am terrified and so nervous all of the time that it is hard for me to even go to an interview and when I do I bomb the interview. I have gone to college and have finished my Associate's Degree about 5 years ago, but did not apply for graduation until recently. I still have doubts about what I want to do because I doubt myself about being able to finish the degree and being able to perform the job.
We started dating 8 years ago, was going to school in the beginning and slowly turned into a "housewife" because my anxiety got the best of me and I turned into a hermit. My boyfriend wanted me to finish school so that he could quit working and go to school himself. I really wanted to do this, but I could not get the confidence to do so. I was constantly talking myself out of everything. I would have moments of happiness and drive to do something and then I would have all of these negative thoughts. We decided that I needed help with all of this, so we got married in march of 2013 and got on his insurance. I love him so much, I married him because of that reason and I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. A couple months went by and I finally was able to get to the general doctor because my older sister went with me. I started taking medication in June of 2013 and it seemed to help my "out of the blue" anxiety, but I still felt hopeless because I was still having negative thoughts and doubts. By August, my husband was getting frustrated with me because I was still not doing anything with my life. He was angry with me because I was not supposed to just go to some general doctor and get medication, he wanted me to go and get therapy, so in fear that I would lose him I made an appointment to go see a therapist in December 2013. Then he wanted me to get a job and go to school. I applied to so many places I had forgot where all I applied to, but received no phone calls. I had only been to therapy about 4 times and on the Sunday before New Years 2014 he told me he could not deal with any of this anymore and told me to leave. He had told me we needed a separation and for me to go live my sister or mother to get a job, go to therapy, and finish school and that if I did not better myself it would be over. Now, it is January 20th 2014 and he has told me that he is drafting divorce papers and it will be about 2 months or so before it is finalized. I understand it is difficult to deal with this because it is hard for me to deal with this. He told me that it is not fair for him to have to deal with all of this and that he wants me to continue to get help and get a job and finish school and get better and be happy. He said who knows what the future may hold. He is not saying that we will end up together again, but he isn't saying that we wont.
I understand where he is coming from and know he tried his best to help me with all of this. It was just the wrong kind of help that I needed. I needed him to "hold my hand" through this and he could not understand that and thought it was childish. Now that the separation and divorce is happening it is causing my anxiety to be worse and my depression is getting the best of me. My thoughts are all over the place and it's even hard for me to organize them and type them out.
The therapist has started to get me to try to remember what it is that I say to myself, but I have done this for so long it is hard for me to even realize I am having negative thoughts. How do you help train yourself to stop these thoughts?