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Author Topic: Anxiety is causing my divorce...  (Read 406 times)

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Offline lost83

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Anxiety is causing my divorce...
« on: January 21, 2014, 01:12:18 PM »
I am not very good at explaining things, but I will try my best to do so. I have had anxiety all of my life and never got help for it. I constantly battle negative thoughts. As a teenager I was always afraid of doing something, failing, and sounding a certain way to people. I did not get help because I was always afraid of going and getting help. It sounds childish to people that I feel I needed someone to hold my hand and push me to get help.
Well, now I am 30 and in a marriage that is ending because of my anxiety. I have never really had a job because I am terrified and so nervous all of the time that it is hard for me to even go to an interview and when I do I bomb the interview. I have gone to college and have finished my Associate's Degree about 5 years ago, but did not apply for graduation until recently. I still have doubts about what I want to do because I doubt myself about being able to finish the degree and being able to perform the job.
We started dating 8 years ago, was going to school in the beginning and slowly turned into a "housewife" because my anxiety got the best of me and I turned into a hermit. My boyfriend wanted me to finish school so that he could quit working and go to school himself. I really wanted to do this, but I could not get the confidence to do so. I was constantly talking myself out of everything. I would have moments of happiness and drive to do something and then I would have all of these negative thoughts. We decided that I needed help with all of this, so we got married in march of 2013 and got on his insurance. I love him so much, I married him because of that reason and I wanted to be with him the rest of my life. A couple months went by and I finally was able to get to the general doctor because my older sister went with me. I started taking medication in June of 2013 and it seemed to help my "out of the blue" anxiety, but I still felt hopeless because I was still having negative thoughts and doubts. By August, my husband was getting frustrated with me because I was still not doing anything with my life. He was angry with me because I was not supposed to just go to some general doctor and get medication, he wanted me to go and get therapy, so in fear that I would lose him I made an appointment to go see a therapist in December 2013. Then he wanted me to get a job and go to school. I applied to so many places I had forgot where all I applied to, but received no phone calls. I had only been to therapy about 4 times and on the Sunday before New Years 2014 he told me he could not deal with any of this anymore and told me to leave. He had told me we needed a separation and for me to go live my sister or mother to get a job, go to  therapy, and finish school and that if I did not better myself it would be over. Now, it is January 20th 2014 and he has told me that he is drafting divorce papers and it will be about 2 months or so before it is finalized. I understand it is difficult to deal with this because it is hard for me to deal with this. He told me that it is not fair for him to have to deal with all of this and that he wants me to continue to get help and get a job and finish school and get better and be happy. He said who knows what the future may hold. He is not saying that we will end up together again, but he isn't saying that we wont.
I understand where he is coming from and know he tried his best to help me with all of this. It was just the wrong kind of help that I needed. I needed him to "hold my hand" through this and he could not understand that and thought it was childish. Now that the separation and divorce is happening it is causing my anxiety to be worse and my depression is getting the best of me. My thoughts are all over the place and it's even hard for me to organize them and type them out.
The therapist has started to get me to try to remember what it is that I say to myself, but I have done this for so long it is hard for me to even realize I am having negative thoughts. How do you help train yourself to stop these thoughts?
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Anxiety is causing my divorce...
« Reply #1 on: January 22, 2014, 05:54:33 AM »
In a nutshell we can take all the medication in the world. But no medication will ever change the way we think. Our thoughts are our own. Medication may relax us. It may help us get back out in life. But the thoughts will still be there. They seem to be the biggest issue in your life. Medication won't correct that side of things. I can understand where your therapist is coming from. Wanting to try and understand your way of thinking. Then the therapist might try to teach you new ways to deal with your thoughts. To feed yourself new thoughts. Positive thoughts. Right now your mind is awash with negative thoughts. You can't seem to see anything positive in life. Here is were you have to sit down. Pen and paper. Try and find ten good things about yourself and life. I know you could sit down and find ten negative things straight away. But let us focus on positive things. They don't have to be even big things. Small things you have even done over the past month or two. Just to show yourself there are some good things there as well. Another thing you can try is affirmations. Just write the word positive affirmations into any search engine. You will find sites with loads of them. Get sticky paper. Write these affirmations out. Stick them about your house. So no matter what room you enter you will always see something positive looking back at you. But don't just look at them. Say them to yourself or say them out loud. The more you say them the more they will sink in to the subconscious mind. This is were all your negative thoughts are housed. The whole idea to is try and push the negative out and replace them with the more positive thoughts. You can discuss this with your therapist. But your therapist is trying to understand why you are so negative about yourself and life in general. Maybe people told you that you were no good when you were growing up. You would never amount to anything. That sort of stuff stays with us. We don't just become negative people. Something must have happened to make you think that you were not good enough to do certain things in life. This is what your therapist wants to help you to change. It can be changed too. Just believe more in yourself. Believe in what you can do in life. Life is never easy. You have had a tough time of it. Husband wanting out because of your condition. He expected and instant cure. It doesn't work that way with our conditions. It can take time. We have years of all this negative stuff to deal with. To try and turn things around and start to think in a positive way. He is backing out far too quickly. Maybe he should join you at a therapy session. Or even see a couple's therapist together. The thing is you have so much to work through. It won't be fixed over night. It does take time. It takes a lot of hard work. You will have good days and you will have bad days. But never give up trying. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always a road back.
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Offline Jumbelly

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Re: Anxiety is causing my divorce...
« Reply #2 on: January 26, 2014, 03:53:42 PM »
I see you are from the United States. Perhaps an online degree program would be an appropriate first step? Get some confidence with online courses and see where it takes you? I applaud your husband for wanting you to better yourself. I have heard several stories of men who sabotage their wives attempts of returning to school, probably because it threatens them somehow. Your husband must think you are valuable and special and of course it is frustrating if the person you love doesn't love themself. Whether you ultimately end up together or not, I believe his words are coming from a place of love and he wants the best for you for your sake and no one else.
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Offline lost83

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Re: Anxiety is causing my divorce...
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2014, 08:42:39 AM »
Well, I need lots of help now. I do not know what to do anymore. I have found out since he kicked me out he is seeing a girl from work and staying the night with her. I can't stop thinking about them. It hurts soooo much. I want to forget all about him. I wish I never met him. I have lost 8lbs this week. I can't eat. I wake up and the first thought is of him and her. I do not know how to stop thinking about it. I can't believe he married me just to help me if he knew he was just going to leave me. I was his charity case. I wish that I could just get angry with him and use that to move on, but my thoughts take over and it is hard to function. Eight years of being together and almost everything reminds me of him. It feels as though I was a piece of ***** stuck to the bottom of his shoes that he could not get rid of and he threw them away and bought new ones. I feel like I was pulled out of a 10ft hole and thrown into a thousand foot hole and every time I try to climb out I end up thinking about him and her and falling right back in. I don't know what to do. Everyone tells me time heals all wounds, but knowing how I am with my thoughts it is hard to believe. But I really do hope so.
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Offline lost83

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Re: Anxiety is causing my divorce...
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2014, 08:54:50 AM »
I haven't been able to focus on school. My first test was Wednesday and I'm not sure how well I did because the whole time I was trying to stop myself from thinking about it. While reading the questions I had to stop myself and read the questions over and over. He should have left me long before finding someone he thought he could have a real life with. I feel like I am worthless now. I know it is hard to love someone that does not love themselves, but he has managed to make me not like myself even more. I feel as though I will never be able to have a good life now. I do not know if I will love myself. And if I will start to love myself, will I be able to find love and trust someone not to leave me.
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