First, thank you for being so brave to get your thoughts out of your head . . . that's a hard thing to do, but it is also a good thing . . . get them out on paper . . .
Second, you are doing the best that you can do right now with therapy and a psychiatrist, etc. I think that you are reacting and going into panic mode because of what has happened and what you are anticipating * may * happen . . .
You are frustrated and probably angry; you feel guilty because you feel as if you have disappointed everyone, especially your husband. You anxiety is creeping up because you feel as if you are out of control and the one person who has been the support is joining the Army . . . .
I guess what I would say to you (and I am taking guesses) is that you need to deal with what you can and start to chunk off pieces so you can recover . . . now, you may not feel like it right now, but you do have some things going for you . . . you are seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and you are in intensive outpatient therapy (good for you . . . .these are good resources and you are taking advantage of them) . . . . you need to work with them to control taking the Xanax because that seems as if it is your go to solution and part of the recovery process, at least for me is to confront the triggers ---- to recognize them and to develop strategies to manage the anxiety created by them . . . . you have a husband who made a decision to come to you when you needed him . . . he made a choice based on his assessment of your needs . . . I know he lost his job but he did not ignore your calls for help . . . .he is now taking another decision to join the Army so he can support his family, so as much as you can, you need to deal with your anticipatory anxiety . . . . you need to talk with him (not at him) and find out what is going on with him . . . I know that you are suffering from anxiety, but he may be at a loss as to how to help you . . .
I know that you want to get back to work, etc., but perhaps right now your full-time job is getting better . . . now, I don't mean to use anxiety as any type of excuse because that only digs us in deeper, but start an active planning in consultation with your therapist and/or psychiatrist as to little steps to start the process . . . recovery is a process and not an event . . . .it is not a straight line and it can hit speed bumps . . . .
But, you wrote this posting . . . that took strength and that was a step . . . . your world may be crumbling before you, but you are not . . . . you have a health issue that you are dealing with . . . it is not a health issue that is well understood, especially by those who have never experienced it, but it is a health issue . . . it is difficult to start rebuilding ourselves from the effects of anxiety, but stick with it . . . perhaps the next time you start to take too many Xanax, you stop and ask yourself and write down what is going on for you before you take the Xanax so you have a record to help guide your therapist . . . I wish that I could tell you what the future holds but I have learned that I had to start out taking it one moment at a time and then one minute and then one hour until I realized that the best treatment was to live the day as it unfolded . . . I know that it sounds like cheap touchy feely appropriate but I spent way too much of my life wondering about what might happen that I lost out on living all the moments that did happen . . .
Please come here and post whenever you can . . . we will do our best to support you in your recovery process and I think that you will find that we are quite a welcoming community . . .take care, kc