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Author Topic: Scared of everything  (Read 208 times)

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Offline IamArra

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Scared of everything
« on: January 19, 2014, 07:37:13 PM »
Hi guys,

I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years. For one year of that time we were together (and living together for a few months) but then her Visa expired and she had to move back to Canada (I'm from Scotland).
The distance and my mental health are destroying us.
She is 7 hours behind me, so when I'm going to bed it's around five in the afternoon for her, but because of my fears, she can't go out then. I can't sleep if she's out because anything could happen to her and I would have no idea.
I don't trust anyone with her. I trust her (it's not a cheating issue) but I don't trust ANYONE to be around her and not harm her, this includes her family.
I get angry at her family a lot (her sister is very rude and is often a trigger for my attacks as she just only thinks of herself) and often say things I don't really mean. She deals with it amazingly in general, but I know I'm breaking her down. Sometimes I just want her to leave me because I know she isn't happy like this and she doesn't deserve it.
I don't know what I'm expecting to get from posting this, maybe some advice if possible?
I know that chances are nothing will come of it, actually, I'm not even expecting anyone to give a toss about it, I just wanted to get it out.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Scared of everything
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2014, 05:54:08 AM »
That is the thing with long distant relationships. One person has to be the one to give up their life and make the move to another country if things are to work out. It can be hard. But you need to really talk and work out exactly what you both expect from this relationship. It won't work out as real life relationship without frequent visits from one of you. I do think that part has to happen. But you both have to accept that the other person has a life they have to live. Her in Canada and you in Scotland. You can't spend your time worrying about her. That would drive you insane. You both need to get on with living until such a time that something can be worked out between you both as to whether you do plan to make a move and live as a couple. Only so long you can keep things on the phone or on the net. Think this has to be accepted too. So talk to her. See where exactly her thoughts are at. Between you both you can maybe try and work something out.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

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Re: Scared of everything
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2014, 07:24:04 AM »
Hi IamArra,

Your situation reminds me of the one with my recent ex... i too live in Scotland, whereas she was across in Canada. It sounds like your lady is further west than mine as there was only a 5 hour difference between us. :winking0008: I say only 5 hours but really... it was still a hassle when you wanted to talk to her for any meaningful length of time.

I can also empathise with your feelings regarding trusting those around her... my ex was a beautiful girl and she worked in a very male-dominated environment. None of them took her relationship with me very seriously and they frequently tried to encourage her to dump me or go out with them anyway. Sometimes she confessed to me that she was lonely and that made me feel guilty as well as insecure. Meanwhile over time her friends became ever more bothered about the idea of her leaving Canada to live with me (that was the plan) so they too became an issue. She used to tell me about their encouraging her to date local men (behind my back) and her refusals. Over time they kept demanding more of her time at my expense too. I trusted my ex absolutely so i knew she'd do none of these things, but the fact i couldn't trust these people played with my head too. So i know exactly what you mean in that regard. :winking0008:

I would say from my own experience that if she's gone to all the hassle of getting a visa so she could live with you, then actually gone through with it, then she must be really committed to you. :yes: Mine talked about the visa step but never actually ever got round to it (she stuck to 2 week trips at a time). So i know from prior conversations that the visa she got isn't easy. If i were you i would take heart from her endeavours. :winking0008:

Sadly, i can also empathise with your feeling that you're slowly wearing your girlfriend down... you love them so much, so when things play with your head they take on so much more weight, which affects your girlfriend and weighs her down which in turn makes you more worried, anxious, keen to keep her and thereby playing with your head even more in a vicious cycle.

As Cuch says, long distance can be very hard and sadly even with a solid loving relationship the odds are difficult to overcome. They can be overcome, don't get me wrong. :happy0062: Its just very difficult. Frequent visits are a must, i agree there too. Over time my ex began to value her job more and made less effort to get time off so we could be together. Her career back in Canada was eventually another priority that came before us. Sadly, another thing about long distance relationship is that over time one person's priorities can change and that can spell doom for the relationship.

But i'd say it sounds like things are going well for you here... my advice for now would be to stand back from your fears, relax, and just appreciate the fact that your girlfriend has done so much in order to be with you. Not anyone else - YOU.  :sign0169: So you are worth the effort and all the late nights in her mind.

Regards,
Gen.

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