Hello - I am new to this forum and thank you for reading my post.
Since a kid, I have suffered from depression and anxiety, plus lots of related conditions. Some years they are better, some worse. For the last 5 years things have been the best ever as I was working part time and engaged in community work and also pursuing my dream career, so I was enjoying life.
Things got tough financially so 6 months ago I accepted a full time office job. It was a big step for me, as most of my life I have been a freelancer. After 20 years' freelancing, I knew it would be a challenge working in a very large, open plan office. My employer also kind of knew that, too. But now things are really getting to me and my depression and anxiety are the worst they've ever been, even making me have occasional suicidal thoughts.
My agoraphobia is really bad and I am very self conscious, so such a large, open and noisy office isn't helping me focus on my work
EVERY day my hands shake, I vomit at least once, I cry in the toilets at work, suffer mild panic attacks at my desk, on the phone, in meetings, anywhere - which make my IBS worse.
It's also made me start smoking again, and I'm so angry it's got to this, as I was previously proud of me quitting.
The actual workload I'm given would be tough but manageable for most people, but because I feel so trapped, it feels like a mountain to me
Since I started the job, I've been too tired and depressed to even see or call my friends, so I'm quite lonely now
Two close friends have died in this time, too, my home got flooded which caused lots of stress, my motorbike (which I use to get to work) has needed taking to the repair shop every Saturday for the last few weeks but I can't afford a new one so have no choice, all my hobbies and activities have been canned as I have no time or energy for them (and they are all things which only happen Monday to Friday, so can't be done on weekends).
I did disclose my depression and anxiety before I started the job, and had a heart to heart talk with my boss 2 months in, when I first started to find it hard. My boss is really nice but he tells me I have one more month to sort my life out and fix my depression and anxiety, or it will become a HR issue, as he's kind of tired of me reaching out to him every 2 months when everything builds up.
I have so many deep-rooted issues going on since childhood, which I do mask well most of the time, that it will take tens of counselling sessions. I don't have the time or money for counselling so will try to find free help or read books, but it's going to take me more than a month. My doctor doesn't want to put me on medication as he says it will numb my intellectual and creative mind. Herbal medication didn't help (St John's Wort and so on) and nor did CBT.
My husband who also works long hours, is fully behind me resigning from this job so I can seek proper help and get my life back on track, pursuing the career I did really enjoy. He knows the pay was poor, but he could see it made me so happy, so wants the old me back.
The big hurdle for me now is how to resign so my boss doesn't resent me and the office atmosphere isn't frosty, as this will make my self consciousness and anxiety even worse?
Thanks for reading!