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Author Topic: Delicate problem with relationships.  (Read 1204 times)

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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2014, 04:11:17 PM »
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Thank you GenSec...kind words from a kind fellow!

It sounds to me like your girlfriend wasn't much of a girlfriend with all the things that you mentioned.  I know you still love her, but she wasn't patient with you, compared you to others, and I guess generally didn't treat you well.  I apply the same philosophy to an intimate partner as I would friends:  if they aren't worth having around, then they aren't worth keeping!  :yes:

Hiya Doxie,

To be fair to my girlfriend, she was capable of extreme kindness, generosity, caring, and love... she did commit mistakes and at times wasn't as considerate as she could be, but i believe that was not due to any sort of maliciousness. I don't honestly think she was aware of wrongdoing some of the time, neither then nor now. Maybe i could have been more forgiving and patient with her in that regard, as i know if she'd gotten the chance to see her mistakes she would have apologised and made up for them. If i'd tried to explain it to her rather than sulk, cry or sink into depression. She wasn't cold nor uncaring... its like she just didn't SEE the things she did or casually blurted out or sniggered at that hurt or disappointed me, and at times that can come across as being uncaring. She had issues that she kindly told me about before we got together that resulted in periods where her moods/mind could get the better of her. During the times she compared me unfavourably to other men i know she was often merely trying to toughen me up so that i'd gain the confidence to answer back and see my full self worth as a man and partner. I don't think she really did it to undermine me nor make me feel inadequate. I don't hate or resent her, although at times my hurt feelings probably come across as bitterness. I really wanted things to work out with her. The good times were really wonderful. Yet i too made mistakes. I deeply regret the times i wasn't at my best. I'm sorry for the mistakes on my part of things.

Regardless, i'm sure she'll soon have someone else in her life and she'll be happy once again. Someone with a stronger character than me will be lucky enough to be able to share his life with her. Unfortunately, that guy couldn't be me.

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And about the financial benefits, I didn't mean to say that I would be with someone for that reason, lest I came across as shallow or a gold-digger.  What I meant is that it is nice for two people to look after eachother financially and be a support for eachother in that regard.  If you are living at home with your parents, it probably doesn't factor in to your life right now but one day it might.  When I was young, it wasn't a consideration either.  But I think as you get older, and things get more expensive (housing, gas [as we call it here in the U.S.], food, etc.), you realize that people who have partners have an easier life.  They share expenses and often, have money left over to save for retirement.  In the U.S., having savings for retirement is key because the government isn't going to do anything for you -- we don't have a fully socialized system as they do in other countries.  So if you don't have money for retirement, you pretty much are on the street.  For many here, that consideration ALONE is enough to stay with someone, although I would not if I were not happy.

I get ya, no worries! :winking0008:

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Anyway, as I mentioned before, not sure there are too many of our kind out there or where we would find such people, but it was nice to finally meet someone with the same issues.

Well hey now... you're a gal and i'm a fella... how do you feel about (slightly) younger gents!? :sprachlos020: Haha! :laugh3: Joking, joking! :happy0062: No worries. :wavey: Anyway, i'm not in the right mindset yet to consider anything... truth be told, i still miss my ex. Particularly on fridays. :( Friday has gone from my happiest day of the week to the most challenging to deal with ever since. She made my fridays.

Thanks,
Gen.
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2014, 12:17:55 AM »
Hi, Gen!

You sound like a very sweet, considerate guy. 

It's really sad that our society is so focused on sex, and if you're not that interested in it, you must be a "freak."  Add to that, that women are taught if they can't inspire a boner in a male, they're worthless.  I can imagine how that makes you feel when you don't want what others want for you. 

When I read about what happened with your girlfriend just days after you actually met, where she forced herself on you and slapped you when you didn't "respond," I was quite surprised that you somehow didn't see this as a "red flag" and run for your life.  She clearly has issues and, if I'm being honest, you have issues for overlooking it.  I'm trying to figure out how it is that, somehow, you think you deserve abuse, and why some were drawn to abuse you. 

(Perhaps I'm off in saying you felt you deserve to be abused, but since you made excuses for her doing this and hung onto the relationship, desperate to please this girl, in essence you're saying you drove her to it. WRONG.)

I don't think you need to be concerned about labeling yourself - whether you are straight, gay, or what.  It kind of seems like you don't know who you are in more ways than one.  Or, that you don't know what you stand for.  Not sure how to put my finger on it...  Anyway, you sound extremely intelligent and very well-spoken, and a prize catch for the right person.  And, as someone else said, there are actually lots of people out there not too keen about being sexual - they're just not about to advertise it!

I also agree that the plastics and soy in food/drink (incl. soy in baby foods) and other environmental toxins has an effect on the last generation or two. 
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2014, 10:45:05 PM »
GenSec,

You have incredible self-awareness to admit that you have issues that may have caused problems in your relationship.  Most people are not able to look inward and see their own faults.  However, I still think you are making too little of her behavior.  I'm sure you had great times together and there were moments when she was sweet and caring.  But a true partner isn't nice one moment and then rather mean the next.  Maybe she had better intentions, but "toughening you up" is not a way to build someone's self-confidence.  Without knowing you personally and the moods and depression you went through in the relationship, it still seems she didn't handle herself in the best way.  I'm not trying to knock her down, but I sense from what you write that you are shouldering more of the blame than you should.  Just my thoughts... :angel-smiley-006:

I hope your Friday wasn't too bad  :laugh3: and you had a good weekend!

DL
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #18 on: February 03, 2014, 09:18:44 PM »
Kind thank you to both of you. :winking0008: Appreciated.

I would say that she had flare ups of temper, but she wasn’t abusive. I'm not going to accuse her of that, its not fair. None of her physical moments were cruel or motivated by spite. They were always in reaction to something that provoked her. There were times i could have been more considerate toward her, honestly.  Another thing was that when I had annoyed, upset or bothered her I felt it was best just to let her hit me a few times and get any bad feeling she had toward me over with. It was a quick way of sorting things out between us.

I felt seriously drawn to my girlfriend. She was a very assertive, dominant, even cocky, woman. She worked in a high-paced environment where her character made her successful. Her strength of character and the strong emotions which flowed from it attracted me. She was a natural leader, a person who I must say when she controlled things she never made a mistake. I came to trusted her judgement when she took charge of things or made decisions that affected us. As a guy with GAD it felt so safe and comforting to be with someone who liked being in charge and was confident in making the decisions for us. I'd never met a woman like her before. We felt like a good team when she took charge of the decision making and I helped her. Disagreeing with her (which did happen at times) caused bad feeling, as well as stressed me out because i just liked it when we agreed as one over everything. She wasn’t a shy damsel and she never pretended to be. She was also attractive. She knew that. With her character and looks she knew she could indeed have any guy she wanted. I always felt she could have gotten much better than me. Thats why she sometimes taunted me about other, better, or more confident, or more attractive, or more successful, or more sexually experienced men she could so easily have instead of me... to make me fight back, to make me see that i had worth.

I’ll admit yes, that there were times I enjoyed it when my ex hit me, or I sensed she was going to hit me. There was fear, because she didn’t hold back on her strength, yet there was also excitement. At times I teased her about hitting me and she’d playfully threaten to do it. Before our last time together we had joked on a number of occasions about the next time I ever provoked her again that she may feel the need to use a belt on me… and during our last few weeks together, she indeed ended up taking a thick, heavy leather belt along with her. She let me see it, asking how I’d feel about something like that being used on me, did I trust her to ever use it, etc. She never used it… which on reflection was probably best. I'd seen how she had a strong temper... yet at the same time i was intrigued by the idea. Again, i don't know why. But it was there. Despite her temper i knew she cared about me, so i felt i could still trust her not to go too far.

So yes, there were times i felt i asked to be hit by my girlfriend, and i'm forced to admit that at times yes i did feel excitement both from the prospect of my ex hitting me in a temper and when actually she did it. Not all the time... sometimes.

Even whilst i was with my girlfriend, i came to see that in some ways she was like my mother despite the differences they had in many other ways. :sprachlos020: My mother, she was a deeply loving and caring parent, but she had to be in control of everything to do with my life and of things going on around her. I was weak and sickly as a child, often in hospital as I grew up, and she worked hard to toughen me up. She was loving, encouraging, yet hard on me as a child but I recognise that she had to be for my own good and I appreciate all her efforts. For instance I was so often in hospital that I missed a lot of early schooling… but rather than accept the school recommendation that I be put into a younger class, she forced me to study study study then forced them to put me in a class of kids my own age. Failure to perform adequately in anything was not an option, period. She forced me to do a lot of things people felt i wasn't able to do in my condition - arguing even with teachers, doctors, professionals, whom she felt were holding me back or settling for the easy way out for me - so that I would be tougher, stronger, healthier, more resilient, less weak, less of a victim. I loved her deeply but I was frightened of her temper. She physically disciplined me too: unlike my father who was calm, deliberate, controlled whilst doing it, my mother would get emotionally charged and lose her temper, often screaming and swearing as she did it. I feared that sort of temper outburst more than her punishment. My love for her and fear of angering her meant that i trusted her judgement. She always seemed to be proven right. Heh, i guess in a way its all similar to the way i trusted the judgement and decisions of my ex.

Both my mother and my ex are dominant, controlling, assertive women who enjoy being in charge and have supreme confidence in themselves. Both thought firmness was the best way to deal with weakness and didn’t tolerate failure well. If i failed important exams at school my mother would taunt and belittle me, gradually losing her temper rather than be all kind and commiserations, telling me to try harder and accusing me of being weak due to being coddled (which now that i think about it reminds me of my ex talking about other guys/my failures in regard to intimacy). She wouldn't talk to me for a while, then when i finally succeeded on another attempt she'd be all loving, happy, proud; "See? I know you could do it. You just needed to be  encouraged the right way to get do it properly." Both believe in toughening people up to make them stronger; both have fiery tempers that could turn physical. Both were unpredictable. When the two of them met they got along amazingly well together. My mother liked her immensely and liked going out with her. One day i sat quietly watching them chat away, realising right then just how similar they were in some respects. :o

Thanks,
Gen.

 
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #19 on: February 03, 2014, 10:24:03 PM »
When I first started reading your response I could tell you "liked it" (being hit) before you even got to saying you liked it.  LOL!

So now it all makes sense.  You DO believe you deserved it and that you provoked her outbursts, all because that's all you know.  You were raised on it. 

My only concern, then, is that someday you may find a really nice, good person, but if that person isn't mean enough to you when you think you deserve it, you might find that person "boring" or you "just aren't excited by them."  I had a friend - and this may be more of an extreme example - who was a gorgeous Mexican girl with green eyes.  She'd been with this guy 8 years who abused her, tried to smother her, choke her, etc.  She had a kid with him, even.  I tried and tried to convince her to leave him but she'd just say, "But I love him!"  Eventually, she did leave him - and hooked up with another guy who was abusive and pulled a knife on her.  She did have one nice optometrist man who was interested in her (these other guys were just thugs) and, no surprise, she just couldn't get into him. 

Some men do like sassy, assertive women, who take the lead.  It's not uncommon to see a super nice guy with a woman who some may call a "b*tch."  But, these guys follow them around like puppy dogs.  In fact, I wonder if I'd still be with my ex if I were not so good to him. 

If that's what you like, and you're happy with it, then that's all that really matters in the end.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.  :)
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2014, 10:18:54 PM »
Yes, i liked it alot of the time. :laugh: We playfully tried it out.

My ex was a generous, sweet, loving person. I regret that the things i've written since the pain of our breakup come across in a way thats overly harsh toward her. She was not abusive in any way, yet its very hard to convey how we were together in writing without it coming across as me disrespecting her or painting her in a harsh light. I really don't mean it to seem that way. Its just that whereas she had friends to talk to after the breakup so she could heal, i had nobody. The only place i felt i could let my pain out was here, anonymously. It was less than ideal, and i know it hurt her, and for that i am sorry.

I am still in love with her. It hurts to know i'll never see or hear from her again after everything we shared. Yet friendship just didn't seem to work. After everything i was hurt and angry that she got over me so quickly and was happily content with her friends and old life again. I wasn't over her. I'm still not. I still have to be careful in things i look at or read or see in case it reminds me of her too much and sets me off.

I was not perfect. I was prone to depression, upset bouts, silent moods where i wouldn't speak to her til i'd calmed down, and my patience wasn't always at its best. I wasn't the best i could be. I regret that. I continue to feel guilt for my shortcomings. I continue to feel guilt for the times i upset her. There were so many hopes, and efforts to make those hopes reality. Its hard for me to let all that go. I cannot just wash my hands of what we said and done and move on like its all now meaningless history.

I don't know how to convey the true nature of how we were together in writing, how good we were much of the time. I probably should make things easier by stopping the trying, heh.

Thanks,
Gen.
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2014, 09:01:38 PM »
Don't feel bad about painting her in a negative light. I know those are just "snapshots" of the relationship. Same when I talk about my ex. It's hard to explain the break-up without mentioning anything negative, though I felt the relationship was mostly great. Still, those snapshots do show tendencies that ma have gotten worse over time.

You sound like such a nice guy. I hope you find someone to take your mind off her! :)
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2014, 09:32:43 AM »
Yep, you're right Itzomi. :winking0008:

Most of the relationship was good, but objectively i do need to recognise that there were snapshots of selfish, overwhelming, ungrateful behaviour which probably would have gotten worse over time. I hoped they'd lessen as we got more bonded but sadly they didn't. I'd relay what had happened to family, or my best friend, and they'd say "i wouldn't have put up with that". My family at first liked her very first but the more they found out they advised me to end the relationship a couple of months before i did. I ignored them but, on reflection, i think you should listen to others around you... after all, they aren't blinded by love, lol. Looking back, there were moments i would have been quite justified in walking away. And knowing what i know now, if those moments of behaviour were ever were repeated again i WOULD walk away. Because in the long term it makes things easier to get over.

As time goes on, i see ever more how unappreciated my efforts were, despite seemingly genuine appreciation at the time. That was always fleeting. Even apologies for unseemly behaviour was always fleeting, and usually renounced a few weeks later.

Don't get me wrong, i wasn't perfect. However, if i follow advice my friend gave me one evening - that i should take instances of her behaviour toward me and imagine myself as a man doing them to her - how would it look? Pretty damn lousy. What would outsiders think of me? His advice woke me up a bit. I wouldn't treat someone like garbage because they failed to put out for me or give them the guilt trip; i wouldn't sweetly thank someone for a thoughtful gift which i was happy to take off of them at the time then avoid any sense of reciprocation or gratitude a week or so later by telling them it means nothing to me, anyone could have got it for me and they shouldn't expect anything in return; nor would i get angry whenever she mentioned a good deed she did for me in the past; i wouldn't hit someone so hard that it leaves marks or lifts their face off just because the tone of their voice didn't meet with my approval; i wouldn't stand up my girlfriend without the decency of any warning to her for the sake of lousy loser friends that come and go from my life whenever they please then lecture her that i did all i had to do by telling her about it AFTERWARDS about it and the great time i had, so why do you have to spoil things by taking it so badly? I wouldn't apologise and even cry to a girl one day to apologise for my bad behaviour then irritatedly renounce that apology a week later and seek to blame her for what i did and tell her if she wanted to be coddled and treated like a baby in future then thats what i'll do to her if she wants me to treat her nicely. I wouldn't ask (or usually tell) her to do something for me then a week later coldly say "you chose to do that, i didn't ask you. I don't owe anybody anything. If you're fishing for a thank you then you didn't really want to do it for me anyway so you shouldn't have." I wouldn't have given her in-depth accounts of other girls blatantly flirting with me and what they would probably want to do to me if i went out with them despite my girlfriend asking me not to share such things and speculation with her. Neither would i repeatedly threaten to hunt down and knife (she did own a hunting knife) an attractive younger guy just because my girlfriend told me he served her at the jewellery store when she'd gone there to by a birthday gift for me. I wouldn't order her to take me to the store one day and order her to point him out to me. Neither would i threaten to "sort out" a younger guy i suspected my girlfriend of merely looking at as he walked past our house to work every day despite the fact she'd never even attempted to approach him. I wouldn't hypocritically justify enjoying and encouraging girls to flirt with me because "i can handle it" whilst threatening to beat the sh*t out of my girlfriend if she flirted with another guy.

I need to learn from this that what you want to see in someone doesn't mean its there. I need to have the maturity to see reality clearer next time. I fell for all the beautiful words and gestures, and that (mostly) blinded me to the concerning behaviour. She was very good at that, she could really pull at my heartstrings and make me feel guilty. She was also attractive and as a guy i guess i thought that i was lucky to have her. Alot of guys would have wanted her. Nearer the end though i couldn't squash the niggling doubts growing in the back of my mind. Nearer the end i was having serious second thoughts about us although i kept them hidden. I didn't want to face up to them.

My family and best friend think that only regret i should have is not ending it sooner and so walking away with alot less torment and confusion over all this, lol. 

Thanks,
Gen.



 

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