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Author Topic: Delicate problem with relationships.  (Read 1458 times)

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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2014, 10:18:54 PM »
Yes, i liked it alot of the time. :laugh: We playfully tried it out.

My ex was a generous, sweet, loving person. I regret that the things i've written since the pain of our breakup come across in a way thats overly harsh toward her. She was not abusive in any way, yet its very hard to convey how we were together in writing without it coming across as me disrespecting her or painting her in a harsh light. I really don't mean it to seem that way. Its just that whereas she had friends to talk to after the breakup so she could heal, i had nobody. The only place i felt i could let my pain out was here, anonymously. It was less than ideal, and i know it hurt her, and for that i am sorry.

I am still in love with her. It hurts to know i'll never see or hear from her again after everything we shared. Yet friendship just didn't seem to work. After everything i was hurt and angry that she got over me so quickly and was happily content with her friends and old life again. I wasn't over her. I'm still not. I still have to be careful in things i look at or read or see in case it reminds me of her too much and sets me off.

I was not perfect. I was prone to depression, upset bouts, silent moods where i wouldn't speak to her til i'd calmed down, and my patience wasn't always at its best. I wasn't the best i could be. I regret that. I continue to feel guilt for my shortcomings. I continue to feel guilt for the times i upset her. There were so many hopes, and efforts to make those hopes reality. Its hard for me to let all that go. I cannot just wash my hands of what we said and done and move on like its all now meaningless history.

I don't know how to convey the true nature of how we were together in writing, how good we were much of the time. I probably should make things easier by stopping the trying, heh.

Thanks,
Gen.
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #21 on: February 14, 2014, 09:01:38 PM »
Don't feel bad about painting her in a negative light. I know those are just "snapshots" of the relationship. Same when I talk about my ex. It's hard to explain the break-up without mentioning anything negative, though I felt the relationship was mostly great. Still, those snapshots do show tendencies that ma have gotten worse over time.

You sound like such a nice guy. I hope you find someone to take your mind off her! :)
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #22 on: February 16, 2014, 09:32:43 AM »
Yep, you're right Itzomi. :winking0008:

Most of the relationship was good, but objectively i do need to recognise that there were snapshots of selfish, overwhelming, ungrateful behaviour which probably would have gotten worse over time. I hoped they'd lessen as we got more bonded but sadly they didn't. I'd relay what had happened to family, or my best friend, and they'd say "i wouldn't have put up with that". My family at first liked her very first but the more they found out they advised me to end the relationship a couple of months before i did. I ignored them but, on reflection, i think you should listen to others around you... after all, they aren't blinded by love, lol. Looking back, there were moments i would have been quite justified in walking away. And knowing what i know now, if those moments of behaviour were ever were repeated again i WOULD walk away. Because in the long term it makes things easier to get over.

As time goes on, i see ever more how unappreciated my efforts were, despite seemingly genuine appreciation at the time. That was always fleeting. Even apologies for unseemly behaviour was always fleeting, and usually renounced a few weeks later.

Don't get me wrong, i wasn't perfect. However, if i follow advice my friend gave me one evening - that i should take instances of her behaviour toward me and imagine myself as a man doing them to her - how would it look? Pretty damn lousy. What would outsiders think of me? His advice woke me up a bit. I wouldn't treat someone like garbage because they failed to put out for me or give them the guilt trip; i wouldn't sweetly thank someone for a thoughtful gift which i was happy to take off of them at the time then avoid any sense of reciprocation or gratitude a week or so later by telling them it means nothing to me, anyone could have got it for me and they shouldn't expect anything in return; nor would i get angry whenever she mentioned a good deed she did for me in the past; i wouldn't hit someone so hard that it leaves marks or lifts their face off just because the tone of their voice didn't meet with my approval; i wouldn't stand up my girlfriend without the decency of any warning to her for the sake of lousy loser friends that come and go from my life whenever they please then lecture her that i did all i had to do by telling her about it AFTERWARDS about it and the great time i had, so why do you have to spoil things by taking it so badly? I wouldn't apologise and even cry to a girl one day to apologise for my bad behaviour then irritatedly renounce that apology a week later and seek to blame her for what i did and tell her if she wanted to be coddled and treated like a baby in future then thats what i'll do to her if she wants me to treat her nicely. I wouldn't ask (or usually tell) her to do something for me then a week later coldly say "you chose to do that, i didn't ask you. I don't owe anybody anything. If you're fishing for a thank you then you didn't really want to do it for me anyway so you shouldn't have." I wouldn't have given her in-depth accounts of other girls blatantly flirting with me and what they would probably want to do to me if i went out with them despite my girlfriend asking me not to share such things and speculation with her. Neither would i repeatedly threaten to hunt down and knife (she did own a hunting knife) an attractive younger guy just because my girlfriend told me he served her at the jewellery store when she'd gone there to by a birthday gift for me. I wouldn't order her to take me to the store one day and order her to point him out to me. Neither would i threaten to "sort out" a younger guy i suspected my girlfriend of merely looking at as he walked past our house to work every day despite the fact she'd never even attempted to approach him. I wouldn't hypocritically justify enjoying and encouraging girls to flirt with me because "i can handle it" whilst threatening to beat the sh*t out of my girlfriend if she flirted with another guy.

I need to learn from this that what you want to see in someone doesn't mean its there. I need to have the maturity to see reality clearer next time. I fell for all the beautiful words and gestures, and that (mostly) blinded me to the concerning behaviour. She was very good at that, she could really pull at my heartstrings and make me feel guilty. She was also attractive and as a guy i guess i thought that i was lucky to have her. Alot of guys would have wanted her. Nearer the end though i couldn't squash the niggling doubts growing in the back of my mind. Nearer the end i was having serious second thoughts about us although i kept them hidden. I didn't want to face up to them.

My family and best friend think that only regret i should have is not ending it sooner and so walking away with alot less torment and confusion over all this, lol. 

Thanks,
Gen.



 

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