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Author Topic: Delicate problem with relationships.  (Read 1461 times)

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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2014, 10:38:56 PM »
GenSec,

I understand how you feel completely...my story is very similar to yours.  In fact, most people writing on this board are having relationship problems because they actually have relationships!

I've always wondered whether there were others out there like me, and it's nice to know that I am not alone with regard to relationships -- or lack thereof.  When I was younger, I used to date and have sex occasionally, but I too was never that into it.  Now, my anxiety keeps me from meeting someone.  Even if I did, I'm in the same boat as you...I don't desire a lot of physical contact.  Part of it is the medication, for sure.  But the other part of it is that I have always been a bit of a loner and have come to be quite happy without a great deal of sex. 

Like you though, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either.  I do have my dog  :yes: -- thank goodness.  She's a dachshund and hence my moniker.  But as I get older, I realize that it would be nice to have a companion.  For me, it's quite a dilemma...
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2014, 08:31:37 PM »
GenSec,

I understand how you feel completely...my story is very similar to yours.  In fact, most people writing on this board are having relationship problems because they actually have relationships!

I've always wondered whether there were others out there like me, and it's nice to know that I am not alone with regard to relationships -- or lack thereof.  When I was younger, I used to date and have sex occasionally, but I too was never that into it.  Now, my anxiety keeps me from meeting someone.  Even if I did, I'm in the same boat as you...I don't desire a lot of physical contact.  Part of it is the medication, for sure.  But the other part of it is that I have always been a bit of a loner and have come to be quite happy without a great deal of sex. 

Like you though, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either.  I do have my dog  :yes: -- thank goodness.  She's a dachshund and hence my moniker.  But as I get older, I realize that it would be nice to have a companion.  For me, it's quite a dilemma...

Hi DL, kind thanks. :winking0008: I must say, your choice of profile pic is adorable! :laugh3:

Hm, maybe i should take what you're saying and try to turn my present situation around into a positive by telling myself that i'm free of alot of the problems that so many poor folks here are having because i'm no longer in a relationship... way to attempt turning my personal defeat right around into a positive, lol! :laugh:

Like you i find anxiety holds me back too, although i am a bit of a social person... i like company. I can be fine on my own for periods of time but i don't like to be on my own most of the time. When it comes to potentially meeting someone i like though my anxiety goes into overdrive... i cannot settle down. That, added to my lack of interest in physical contact, usually scuppers any attempt to take things further. I don't know, i think the whole physical/desire aspect of relationships is overrated, particularly these days where everything seems to focus on lust, excitement and the pursuit of the perfect human body. In some respects i'd even say its getting unhealthy. It can get in the way of love and companionship.

I've never came across a Dachshund in real life but they look like lovely wee things! :happy0062: I have a Russian Blue to keep me company, although he seems to spend most of the day dozing. However he's picked up the habit of his owner in one regard... he doesn't like to be alone for to long! He'll follow you from room to room around the house. He enjoys being spoken to just as much as being picked up... if he's desperate for conversation he'll yowl until you start speaking, then he'll sit or hunker down, stare at you, and purr away. Well, at least he's happy! :laugh3:

Well, i'd reassure you that if there are guys like me in the world then there then there must be others exactly the same out there who would appreciate you just the way you are... so finding the ideal male companion thats right for you is a very real prospect. The fact that you shared your own story here reassures me that i need not settle for a life alone without someone special that would be happy with me for the person i am neither. I wish you well! :winking0008: 

Regards,
Gen.
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2014, 10:28:58 PM »
GenSec, thanks for your reply and nice words! (and yes, the squirrel profile pic is cute...I love animals)

I'm not sure which position is worse...ours or the other people typically on this board who have all sorts of marital and relationship issues.  Surely a psychiatrist would say that you and I must have "issues" to feel as we do, and they would probably be right in some regard. 

At least you are outgoing and prefer company.  I actually don't prefer company unless it's with a few close friends.  In other words, I'm not a social butterfly or one of those people that has 500 friends on ***** or something.  I wouldn't even want that because I couldn't find the time to entertain a zillion people.  My life is busy enough.  B-;

But you are right about how everyone is obsessed with the pursuit of a perfect face/body and that adds to my anxiety about going on a date.  I feel like the person would be really disappointed.  And what REALLY turns me off about sexual relationships and also causes anxiety about dating is that everyone is consumed with comparing their partner to previous partners.  It's like you are being rated and if you don't do every act in the book, then you are seen as "bad in the sack" or a bore or whatever.  I already have anxiety...I don't need more of it with a partner who is lying in bed thinking "wow...that was boring" or "that was the worst lay of my life."  So I suppose it's just easier to not date, but by not having someone around as companionship, I feel like I'm missing something.

There's the whole thing of growing old alone, but also there's financial benefits to having a partner.  You don't fee like you are shouldering everything and you can support each other.  Those are the things that concern me most. 

At any rate, I'm not sure where on earth people like you and I would find partners.  I have YET to meet anyone like you or I.  In the meantime, I have my adorable doxie, and she's like a kid to me.  I dote on her and she makes me smile when I'm sad and I adore her.  It's nice to know you have a furry companion as well...they are priceless.

thanks for your post...I wonder if there are others on this board who have the same issues.

Cheers!
DL
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2014, 05:52:50 PM »
Hi DL,

Here in Scotland our native squirrel is the Red Squirrel. :winking0008: Its been in decline here for a long time though and its not that common to spot one... i have, once. From my very own window! :o

Although i say i'm sociable and prefer company, that doesn't extend to a wide range of people... just family, and a few close friends. Amongst strangers or people i'm not well acquainted with my anxiety often comes across as aloofness or disinterest. But as those who have come to know me well will tell you, once i am at ease enough to loosen up i am a talkative, chatty person who will even make humour. :winking0008: So, although i do prefer company i guess i'm not that outgoing as such! :laugh3: I don't even have things like a face/book: that sort of thing just doesn't appeal to me. It comes across as very superficial.

And yes, believe me i know what you mean concerning being compared to previous partners... my ex fell into that habit so many times even she felt moved to apologise about how often she'd end up banging on about him, even over intimate/sexual matters. It didn't matter that he was a confident guy with plenty of prior experience whilst she knew before she got with me that i was a reserved virgin; a world of difference. The necessary patience was lacking. I began to feel like i'd known the guy personally myself. She swore i was so much better a partner than he ever was so there was nothing for me to worry about, though i must say it usually didn't feel like that. The bad stories she told me about his behaviour didn't seem to dim her overall impression of him that much. The feeling of being compared to someone intimately was very new to me, yet certainly made me feel inadequate sometimes. Frankly i'm glad to be free of all that.

As for the financial benefits of having a companion, i cannot say that factors into my plans very much, lol! :laugh: I'm a bit of a romantic i guess... if it ain't purely for love then i'm not going there! :angel-smiley-006:

Even though you've told me you're middle aged, its not too late for you to meet someone like me! :happy0062: You sound like a sincere, caring and articulate lady and i'm sure someone with the capacity to see you for who you are would appreciate sharing life with someone like you.

Regards,
Gen.
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2014, 07:39:37 PM »
Thank you GenSec...kind words from a kind fellow!

It sounds to me like your girlfriend wasn't much of a girlfriend with all the things that you mentioned.  I know you still love her, but she wasn't patient with you, compared you to others, and I guess generally didn't treat you well.  I apply the same philosophy to an intimate partner as I would friends:  if they aren't worth having around, then they aren't worth keeping!  :yes:

And about the financial benefits, I didn't mean to say that I would be with someone for that reason, lest I came across as shallow or a gold-digger.  What I meant is that it is nice for two people to look after eachother financially and be a support for eachother in that regard.  If you are living at home with your parents, it probably doesn't factor in to your life right now but one day it might.  When I was young, it wasn't a consideration either.  But I think as you get older, and things get more expensive (housing, gas [as we call it here in the U.S.], food, etc.), you realize that people who have partners have an easier life.  They share expenses and often, have money left over to save for retirement.  In the U.S., having savings for retirement is key because the government isn't going to do anything for you -- we don't have a fully socialized system as they do in other countries.  So if you don't have money for retirement, you pretty much are on the street.  For many here, that consideration ALONE is enough to stay with someone, although I would not if I were not happy.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, not sure there are too many of our kind out there or where we would find such people, but it was nice to finally meet someone with the same issues.

Cheers!
DL
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2014, 04:11:17 PM »
Quote
Thank you GenSec...kind words from a kind fellow!

It sounds to me like your girlfriend wasn't much of a girlfriend with all the things that you mentioned.  I know you still love her, but she wasn't patient with you, compared you to others, and I guess generally didn't treat you well.  I apply the same philosophy to an intimate partner as I would friends:  if they aren't worth having around, then they aren't worth keeping!  :yes:

Hiya Doxie,

To be fair to my girlfriend, she was capable of extreme kindness, generosity, caring, and love... she did commit mistakes and at times wasn't as considerate as she could be, but i believe that was not due to any sort of maliciousness. I don't honestly think she was aware of wrongdoing some of the time, neither then nor now. Maybe i could have been more forgiving and patient with her in that regard, as i know if she'd gotten the chance to see her mistakes she would have apologised and made up for them. If i'd tried to explain it to her rather than sulk, cry or sink into depression. She wasn't cold nor uncaring... its like she just didn't SEE the things she did or casually blurted out or sniggered at that hurt or disappointed me, and at times that can come across as being uncaring. She had issues that she kindly told me about before we got together that resulted in periods where her moods/mind could get the better of her. During the times she compared me unfavourably to other men i know she was often merely trying to toughen me up so that i'd gain the confidence to answer back and see my full self worth as a man and partner. I don't think she really did it to undermine me nor make me feel inadequate. I don't hate or resent her, although at times my hurt feelings probably come across as bitterness. I really wanted things to work out with her. The good times were really wonderful. Yet i too made mistakes. I deeply regret the times i wasn't at my best. I'm sorry for the mistakes on my part of things.

Regardless, i'm sure she'll soon have someone else in her life and she'll be happy once again. Someone with a stronger character than me will be lucky enough to be able to share his life with her. Unfortunately, that guy couldn't be me.

Quote
And about the financial benefits, I didn't mean to say that I would be with someone for that reason, lest I came across as shallow or a gold-digger.  What I meant is that it is nice for two people to look after eachother financially and be a support for eachother in that regard.  If you are living at home with your parents, it probably doesn't factor in to your life right now but one day it might.  When I was young, it wasn't a consideration either.  But I think as you get older, and things get more expensive (housing, gas [as we call it here in the U.S.], food, etc.), you realize that people who have partners have an easier life.  They share expenses and often, have money left over to save for retirement.  In the U.S., having savings for retirement is key because the government isn't going to do anything for you -- we don't have a fully socialized system as they do in other countries.  So if you don't have money for retirement, you pretty much are on the street.  For many here, that consideration ALONE is enough to stay with someone, although I would not if I were not happy.

I get ya, no worries! :winking0008:

Quote
Anyway, as I mentioned before, not sure there are too many of our kind out there or where we would find such people, but it was nice to finally meet someone with the same issues.

Well hey now... you're a gal and i'm a fella... how do you feel about (slightly) younger gents!? :sprachlos020: Haha! :laugh3: Joking, joking! :happy0062: No worries. :wavey: Anyway, i'm not in the right mindset yet to consider anything... truth be told, i still miss my ex. Particularly on fridays. :( Friday has gone from my happiest day of the week to the most challenging to deal with ever since. She made my fridays.

Thanks,
Gen.
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #16 on: February 02, 2014, 12:17:55 AM »
Hi, Gen!

You sound like a very sweet, considerate guy. 

It's really sad that our society is so focused on sex, and if you're not that interested in it, you must be a "freak."  Add to that, that women are taught if they can't inspire a boner in a male, they're worthless.  I can imagine how that makes you feel when you don't want what others want for you. 

When I read about what happened with your girlfriend just days after you actually met, where she forced herself on you and slapped you when you didn't "respond," I was quite surprised that you somehow didn't see this as a "red flag" and run for your life.  She clearly has issues and, if I'm being honest, you have issues for overlooking it.  I'm trying to figure out how it is that, somehow, you think you deserve abuse, and why some were drawn to abuse you. 

(Perhaps I'm off in saying you felt you deserve to be abused, but since you made excuses for her doing this and hung onto the relationship, desperate to please this girl, in essence you're saying you drove her to it. WRONG.)

I don't think you need to be concerned about labeling yourself - whether you are straight, gay, or what.  It kind of seems like you don't know who you are in more ways than one.  Or, that you don't know what you stand for.  Not sure how to put my finger on it...  Anyway, you sound extremely intelligent and very well-spoken, and a prize catch for the right person.  And, as someone else said, there are actually lots of people out there not too keen about being sexual - they're just not about to advertise it!

I also agree that the plastics and soy in food/drink (incl. soy in baby foods) and other environmental toxins has an effect on the last generation or two. 
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #17 on: February 02, 2014, 10:45:05 PM »
GenSec,

You have incredible self-awareness to admit that you have issues that may have caused problems in your relationship.  Most people are not able to look inward and see their own faults.  However, I still think you are making too little of her behavior.  I'm sure you had great times together and there were moments when she was sweet and caring.  But a true partner isn't nice one moment and then rather mean the next.  Maybe she had better intentions, but "toughening you up" is not a way to build someone's self-confidence.  Without knowing you personally and the moods and depression you went through in the relationship, it still seems she didn't handle herself in the best way.  I'm not trying to knock her down, but I sense from what you write that you are shouldering more of the blame than you should.  Just my thoughts... :angel-smiley-006:

I hope your Friday wasn't too bad  :laugh3: and you had a good weekend!

DL
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #18 on: February 03, 2014, 09:18:44 PM »
Kind thank you to both of you. :winking0008: Appreciated.

I would say that she had flare ups of temper, but she wasn’t abusive. I'm not going to accuse her of that, its not fair. None of her physical moments were cruel or motivated by spite. They were always in reaction to something that provoked her. There were times i could have been more considerate toward her, honestly.  Another thing was that when I had annoyed, upset or bothered her I felt it was best just to let her hit me a few times and get any bad feeling she had toward me over with. It was a quick way of sorting things out between us.

I felt seriously drawn to my girlfriend. She was a very assertive, dominant, even cocky, woman. She worked in a high-paced environment where her character made her successful. Her strength of character and the strong emotions which flowed from it attracted me. She was a natural leader, a person who I must say when she controlled things she never made a mistake. I came to trusted her judgement when she took charge of things or made decisions that affected us. As a guy with GAD it felt so safe and comforting to be with someone who liked being in charge and was confident in making the decisions for us. I'd never met a woman like her before. We felt like a good team when she took charge of the decision making and I helped her. Disagreeing with her (which did happen at times) caused bad feeling, as well as stressed me out because i just liked it when we agreed as one over everything. She wasn’t a shy damsel and she never pretended to be. She was also attractive. She knew that. With her character and looks she knew she could indeed have any guy she wanted. I always felt she could have gotten much better than me. Thats why she sometimes taunted me about other, better, or more confident, or more attractive, or more successful, or more sexually experienced men she could so easily have instead of me... to make me fight back, to make me see that i had worth.

I’ll admit yes, that there were times I enjoyed it when my ex hit me, or I sensed she was going to hit me. There was fear, because she didn’t hold back on her strength, yet there was also excitement. At times I teased her about hitting me and she’d playfully threaten to do it. Before our last time together we had joked on a number of occasions about the next time I ever provoked her again that she may feel the need to use a belt on me… and during our last few weeks together, she indeed ended up taking a thick, heavy leather belt along with her. She let me see it, asking how I’d feel about something like that being used on me, did I trust her to ever use it, etc. She never used it… which on reflection was probably best. I'd seen how she had a strong temper... yet at the same time i was intrigued by the idea. Again, i don't know why. But it was there. Despite her temper i knew she cared about me, so i felt i could still trust her not to go too far.

So yes, there were times i felt i asked to be hit by my girlfriend, and i'm forced to admit that at times yes i did feel excitement both from the prospect of my ex hitting me in a temper and when actually she did it. Not all the time... sometimes.

Even whilst i was with my girlfriend, i came to see that in some ways she was like my mother despite the differences they had in many other ways. :sprachlos020: My mother, she was a deeply loving and caring parent, but she had to be in control of everything to do with my life and of things going on around her. I was weak and sickly as a child, often in hospital as I grew up, and she worked hard to toughen me up. She was loving, encouraging, yet hard on me as a child but I recognise that she had to be for my own good and I appreciate all her efforts. For instance I was so often in hospital that I missed a lot of early schooling… but rather than accept the school recommendation that I be put into a younger class, she forced me to study study study then forced them to put me in a class of kids my own age. Failure to perform adequately in anything was not an option, period. She forced me to do a lot of things people felt i wasn't able to do in my condition - arguing even with teachers, doctors, professionals, whom she felt were holding me back or settling for the easy way out for me - so that I would be tougher, stronger, healthier, more resilient, less weak, less of a victim. I loved her deeply but I was frightened of her temper. She physically disciplined me too: unlike my father who was calm, deliberate, controlled whilst doing it, my mother would get emotionally charged and lose her temper, often screaming and swearing as she did it. I feared that sort of temper outburst more than her punishment. My love for her and fear of angering her meant that i trusted her judgement. She always seemed to be proven right. Heh, i guess in a way its all similar to the way i trusted the judgement and decisions of my ex.

Both my mother and my ex are dominant, controlling, assertive women who enjoy being in charge and have supreme confidence in themselves. Both thought firmness was the best way to deal with weakness and didn’t tolerate failure well. If i failed important exams at school my mother would taunt and belittle me, gradually losing her temper rather than be all kind and commiserations, telling me to try harder and accusing me of being weak due to being coddled (which now that i think about it reminds me of my ex talking about other guys/my failures in regard to intimacy). She wouldn't talk to me for a while, then when i finally succeeded on another attempt she'd be all loving, happy, proud; "See? I know you could do it. You just needed to be  encouraged the right way to get do it properly." Both believe in toughening people up to make them stronger; both have fiery tempers that could turn physical. Both were unpredictable. When the two of them met they got along amazingly well together. My mother liked her immensely and liked going out with her. One day i sat quietly watching them chat away, realising right then just how similar they were in some respects. :o

Thanks,
Gen.

 
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Offline Itzomi

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #19 on: February 03, 2014, 10:24:03 PM »
When I first started reading your response I could tell you "liked it" (being hit) before you even got to saying you liked it.  LOL!

So now it all makes sense.  You DO believe you deserved it and that you provoked her outbursts, all because that's all you know.  You were raised on it. 

My only concern, then, is that someday you may find a really nice, good person, but if that person isn't mean enough to you when you think you deserve it, you might find that person "boring" or you "just aren't excited by them."  I had a friend - and this may be more of an extreme example - who was a gorgeous Mexican girl with green eyes.  She'd been with this guy 8 years who abused her, tried to smother her, choke her, etc.  She had a kid with him, even.  I tried and tried to convince her to leave him but she'd just say, "But I love him!"  Eventually, she did leave him - and hooked up with another guy who was abusive and pulled a knife on her.  She did have one nice optometrist man who was interested in her (these other guys were just thugs) and, no surprise, she just couldn't get into him. 

Some men do like sassy, assertive women, who take the lead.  It's not uncommon to see a super nice guy with a woman who some may call a "b*tch."  But, these guys follow them around like puppy dogs.  In fact, I wonder if I'd still be with my ex if I were not so good to him. 

If that's what you like, and you're happy with it, then that's all that really matters in the end.  It doesn't have to make sense to anyone else.  :)
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