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Author Topic: Delicate problem with relationships.  (Read 1219 times)

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Offline GenSec

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Delicate problem with relationships.
« on: January 17, 2014, 04:49:09 PM »
This is really awkward to put out here, and i've debated whether to do so for a while. However, it is a real issue i have and i wondered if there are any other guys out there who feel like me this way.

I'm 28 years old, male, and i have very little interest in sexual intimacy or intercourse. I've dated in the past, and in recent months a relationship i was in for almost a year sadly came to an end. Yet despite my girlfriend's efforts, i was never able to make love to her. I just didn't want to, and over time she began to blame herself and feel unattractive as all her efforts failed. I felt incredibly guilty, massively so. Constantly i tried to reassure her she was gorgeous, attractive, beautiful, and that i was the problem not her. That my lack of interest made her feel down about herself was something i deeply regretted, and still do. I believe part of the reason we split up was because of this problem. Although i still have feelings for her and continue to miss her as well as what we had together, i honestly don't blame her for finding someone else who can show her how beautiful she is.

Honestly, if someone were to tell me i'd remain a virgin for the rest of my life, it wouldn't concern me.

However... i want a partner. I want someone to share my life with. I want a loving, healthy relationship. I just don't know what's wrong with me that i can't get into the mood to make love to someone. I'm not even that much of a fan of being touched neither.

I sometimes worry... is it psychological (for a brief time i was touched/affected by the unhealthy attentions of a female teacher when i was just 10), or is it something medical (perhaps low testosterone... i don't know if its related, but different hairdressers over the years have sometimes commented i have hair like that of a woman, ie. there's alot of it and its thinner than a man's; whilst it takes me days to get enough facial hair to need to shave my face even though i'm almost 30; and i'm often lethargic/tired), or is it maybe because i'm gay and not fully away of it (i grew up in a VERY homophobic family). During my mid-late teens, i confess that i did fool around romantically/physically with close male friends. And i did enjoy it at the time. This is really difficult to confess, but i guess honesty is the best policy here. However i grew out of that behaviour by about the age of 20. I merely put my youthful behaviour down to curiosity. For almost 10 years i have only been involved with ladies: thats not something i regret or wish to change. After all, i don't feel myself wanting to be intimate with a man anymore than i do a woman, really.

All i know is that today i'd like to be able to sustain a happy, healthy normal relationship with someone special and make my potential partner happy, but for some reason i can't have my wish because i can't give them a normal physical relationship. I'm perfectly happy without it, the desire just isn't there within me... and no 20-something lady is going to settle for a sexless relationship at this time of life. I'm willing to try if it makes them happy but to be honest i find having to try and be physically intimate to be bothersome and stressful. I don't enjoy it.

Kind thanks,
Gen.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2014, 01:45:17 PM »
Honest answer as ever? If it is something you are not keen / interested in doing, then you are the main person here. Why do something you don't want to do and have no interest in doing just to make another person happy. I agree the most relationships involve sex and touching. I would use the word ' most '. I am sure there are others out there of both sexes who may feel exactly as you do. You might not run into one of these people on the street real easy. But they do exist. As to why you feel a lack in sex or touching? It could be because of the teacher when you were ten. Those sort of things leave an impression. But so do such things as anxiety and depression and other mental health issues. Even without medication people can have a loss of libido. They simply don't have any interest in sex at all. That does not make them bad people. That does not mean they have to live alone for the rest of their lives. We all deserved to be loved. I know you met the last girl on the net. Did you ever think of looking for anybody on the net and stating that it would be a sexless relationship. There are all sorts of dating sites out there. You may even find one for people who have no interest in sex. Think about it. It would be a winning site for the owner. I would stake my house on it that loads of people have this same mindset. Looking for a partner but not looking for sex. Just that somebody to share their lives with. It would be certainly worth looking up. See if such a site exists. You only stand to gain. Stick to what you believe in. You know what you want from life. You know what you don't want from life as well. It might not happen over night. But I bet you can meet another person who feels exactly like you do.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2014, 04:43:48 PM »
Kind thank you for the answer, appreciated. :winking0008:

When i first met my ex online she told me that she didn't enjoy sex and could live happily without it, whilst i told her i wasn't a very sexual person. yet things didn't progress that way and soon after meeting her in real life it became clear she was actually a very physical person, and my lack of similar drive frustrated her. I began to feel guilty and tried my best to make her content. After all i did care for her, hated seeing her unhappy, so i was willing to do things to try and make her happy even though they may not have done much for me personally. Just before we split, she told me that she'd hoped i'd have fallen for her deeply enough so that she could have changed me into enjoying physical intimacy. At first she said she loved me more than sex and so could be with me regardless, but later she began making curt passing comments like how she wanted a real man who desired her when she shared a bed with him. I sensed she was becoming bitter. After much thought i offered her an open relationship (for her, not me), which only caused her to cry. I felt incredibly awful that i was the one responsible for making her cry like this, believe me. I felt like i was massively letting her down as a boyfriend, as a man. After realising she'd failed to change me i sensed very strongly that she felt rejected and unattractive... and that left me feeling a deep sense of guilt. It felt like my issues were screwing with her head. Even after we split up i kept trying to tell her she was an attractive beautiful woman.

Her efforts didn't entirely fail. When i first met her i wasn't fond of cuddling or anything like that. My attempts at reciprocation were sincere yet pretty wooden and awkward, lol. Yet over time i came to enjoy putting an arm around her; i came to enjoy feeling her hand slip into mine as we sat at a table or walked along a street. These are things i'm now comfortable with, and nearer the end these small physical gestures between us began to decline and i missed their presence. She had once told me that she'd never met a man like me, a man who touched her in such a gentle and considerate way that she could feel how much i loved her from my touch alone. She got wet-eyed when she said that. Nevertheless, i was left rather crestfallen when nearer the end of our relationship she once told me that trying to teach me how to be properly physically expressive like a normal man was "like taking one step forwards and two steps back". I guess that knocked my confidence a bit and i responded by retreating back into my shell more.

Anxiety and depression are things i've been diagnosed with, have been prescribed medication for, and do affect me. Definitely. Sometimes if i sensed the possibility of intercourse was potentially near whilst with my ex i did become very anxious, although of course i tried to conceal it. Not always successfully mind you. Its worth bearing in mind that even going out of the front door makes me anxious. The prospect of going to a shop i know like the back of my hand makes me anxious. Anything out of my comfort zone provokes my anxiety. Instead, i enjoyed spending my evenings with her by laying in bed together talking, looking at each other, holding hands. No pressure. Another favourite thing we both enjoyed was when we'd go to bed together and she’d read a book we were both interested in out aloud for me to listen to. There were times we were both in hysterics of laughter, or we could have deep conversations til 3 or 4am in the morning. I remember on our last vacation together we passed the time during the evening in our hotel room by having me teach her how to play chess... she enjoyed herself, particularly when she finally began to start beating me! She even took photographs of her victories!

My ex did ask me a couple of times if i was gay. I do notice attractive men as i notice women, but as i told her i feel no desire to share physical intimacy with a man neither. I've never slept with a guy. There are times i've been attracted by nice men however admittedly i'm not 100% comfortable with homosexual feelings. Thankfully they're no stronger than they are toward women so they don't present a problem. When I see attractive people I am capable of appreciating their attractiveness, i'm not oblivious. It just doesn’t translate onto the next level of wishing to act on that appreciation: visual admiration is as far as I go and i'm happy to go on my way. A bit like a beautiful sculpture or painting.

During my early 20's i seen everyone around me dating, etc, and i began to feel some pressure to at least lose my virginity. To at least experience intercourse once even if i wasn't particularly driven to do so, so that it was done, over, out of the way like everyone else. So that i was normal. But i could never be bothered when the time came. It just never happened even though opportunities arose. Its not that opportunities never arose: its that i wasn't motivated enough to take them. I seen the motivation, the desire, rise in my male friends yet it was something i could never fully understand. I remained a mere observer of others. Sometimes i confess that i felt rather relieved to be free of the inner forces which propelled all my male friends one by one into relationships/situations which appeared to cause them more stress and hassle than anything else.

Thank you for the info about those sorts of dating websites - i did a quick search and found that they do indeed exist! :laugh3: They're not something i've even looked up before, let alone considered. Love is something i'd like to share with someone special. Thats a feeling i do share with everyone else! :happy0062: Hopefully its meant for me too.

Kind thanks for the advice, and the honesty. :winking0008:

Regards,
Gen.   

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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #3 on: January 19, 2014, 06:22:10 AM »
I look at any relationship that is serious as been like a contract entered into by two people. You both have your rules in your head. Things you want and things you don't want. We have boundaries from the off. Once it is getting serious it is always good to sit down and discuss these boundaries. But let us use your last girlfriend in as the example. She came into the relationship saying sex was not an issue for her. In my eyes that was part of this invisible contract. Both of you knew this to be something you had agreed upon. But as a relationship goes on you can get one side or the other going outside the contract. She changed her mind about sex. That is a very big alteration. If we want to use another example. It would be like a couple who both agree they never want kids. Time passes and they still feel the same way. They get married still with this agreement about kids. Then one of them changes their minds. It is not fair on the other person. The other person married with the knowledge that no kids would ever be involved. Had they have known of the change before any wedding I would thing they never would have got married. So in that example it is a deal breaker. It can be the end of the relationship. The invisible contract is broken. It is changed big time. For one side it is something they can not live with. I know some people may scoff at the term ' contract '. But we all have rules and ideas that we like to set down when getting involved. You will have yours. The other person will have theirs. If these rules are to be altered it has to be agreed upon by both sides. One person can't just agree to alter them. Once that happens we have the famous deal breaker again. Which means a break up. As one side of the relationship can not accept this big change the other person wants. So you know what exactly you want in a relationship. This is were talking comes into play. You can talk things out early on. So each of you know where the other person stands. May be a bit of give and take on some things. But on others you know exactly how you want it to be. Each party has a right to have that something that may not want in a relationship. You had yours. That was your right. The girl was the same to begin with. Suddenly the big change in mind, on her part, came along. That does really change things. It is no longer what you want. She is pushing for more. But pushing at something you are not interested in. Which is your right. It could have worked the other way around. You changing your mind. Her not wanting the change. The same end result. So just keep on looking. Don't give up on love. You now know that people like yourself do exist out there. You can meet the right person in time.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #4 on: January 19, 2014, 03:42:49 PM »
Kind thanks. :winking0008:


This may sound silly, but my ex was the first person I ever became fully emotionally committed to. When we met in real life for the first time my feelings just took off. At the age of 28 I finally experienced what it felt like to be smitten by someone like a teenager. At that time I’d have changed any contract or tried to change myself in order to make her happy. Sadly, it wasn’t enough. :(

I don’t suppose this matters now, there’s nobody around to be embarrassed by it. But just a few days after we met in real life for the first time things were going well between us I woke up one morning and I could tell she was feeling playful. She began getting sexual with me, and after not having long woken up I really wasn’t prepared and began to get anxious. Plus to be honest I’d never expected a girl to move so fast after having only known me a couple of days. I concealed that and just laughed, attempting to play along so that I didn’t hurt her feelings yet at the same time diffuse the situation. Then suddenly she jumped on top of me, pinning me to the bed. She began acting very sexually, and I panicked. I asked her nicely yet with a shaky voice to please stop. She kept going. Again, more anxiously, I asked her to stop please. She froze, and stared at me. She suddenly slapped me across the face and it stung. When i said that was sore she slapped me again. Her eyes were furious, and I could tell she was close to lashing out in anger. I was scared of her. She warned me never to dare try and tell her what to do again, she would do whatever she wanted. I couldn’t get her off me, plus i didn’t want to hurt her, and I ended up basically pathetically begging her to stop and saying I was sorry for provoking her. That calmed her down enough. I could tell she was hurt, angry and offended and for the rest of the day I felt guilty. For the next few days I tried to make it up to her but she would mostly cold shoulder me for a lot of the time, texting on her phone a lot, or make comments about what had happened with my failure. She didn’t think any other man would have turned her down like I did, and she assured me that she could easily have any man she wanted. Later on she admitted she was considering dumping me despite all the months of preparation we'd made. All because of one incident which, as time went on, I began not to feel guilty about anymore: in fact I began to feel irritated the more I reflected on it afterwards as I reached the realisation that I’d done nothing to deserve the treatment I’d recieved. And after that, it was me who came seriously close to dumping her. Things came to a head a few days later. Only when she broke down crying and begging me not to give up on everything we had did I decide to give her a second chance. Sadly try as i might, i never managed to get over what happened. Being intimate with her always brought on anxiety and i was never able to relax or truly enjoy things we did.

Now that I think about it, she wasn’t the most considerate nor understanding person when it came to my physical intimacy issues. I did things for her that she wanted which she never bothered to even offer to do for me in return. And if I didn’t do something she wanted, or do it right, she sulked and made me feel guilty or like I’d let her down. Or she’d talk about other men who could so easily could do these things for her. I got the sense she was trying to train me how to physically satisfy her but that I was proving frustratingly slow. She did say I was very intelligent, but slow to learn anything and it took me longer than was normal. That chipped at my confidence too. By the end i was too scared to be physical with her in case i let her down. I tried to treat all the comments and statements as a joke but, looking back, I think there was a large kernel of frustrated and bitter honesty coming forth from her in them. I did love her and i did try to do things for her; in fact i did do things for her that i myself wasn't overly fond of because they made her happy. I can see why wives do things for husbands they love even though they may hate doing those things.

The closest I came to losing my virginity was as a teenager with a good male friend. We’d had a mutual interest in each other for a few years and we’d do stupid things like hold hands underneath the table at school or kiss and cuddle at sleepovers by finding excuses to share beds together. That didn’t end well either sadly. One weekend me and a mutual friend crashed over at his house whilst his parents were away, and he let me have his bed whilst he slept downstairs with our mutual friend. Some time later he sneaked into the room whilst i was sleeping then climbing in beside me. We did our usual thing, but this time he was getting really rough with me and starting to make odd noises. When I anxiously asked him what he was doing he said “we may as well get it over with now” and “after all it is my bed and I’m doing you a favour letting you stay here. Time to return the favour.” When I tried to get away from him and get up because he was roughly groping me, he yanked my underwear down then started clawing at me with his fingernails and held me down. When I told him to get off and tried to shove him away he said “you’re wetting yourself to get this” then he clambered on top of me, pinning me down. He was stronger than me and despite his hands being everywhere groping, scratching and hurting me I couldn’t physically get him off. Whenever i tried to say no or make a noise he'd put a hand over my mouth. Its only when he managed to turn me over onto my front and I felt him trying to do a sex act to me that I started screaming for help. He tried to cover my mouth with his hand, then I heard our mutual friend at the bedroom door shouting if I was okay. I couldn’t answer him because of the hand over my mouth but I knew he was my only chance of getting out so I did everything i could to manage to make enough noise to know something was very wrong. My friend shouted again was I okay, then he shouldered in the door. He stared in shock then ripped the guy off me. He was completely crazy. He lashed out at my friend, punching him, then tried to jump back on me. My friend again pulled him off me and I was left with deep scratch marks where he tried to cling to me with his fingernails. Our mutual friend started punching him back, overpowered him then shoved him into a large wardrobe in the room and put a snooker que through the handles so he couldn’t get out. I thought he was going to smash the wardobe open, he went ballistic in there. Then our mutual friend turned on me, shouting that I was a slut and a 0107 and I’d caused this with my own stupidity by leading him on for ages and getting him worked up like that. I was sobbing by that point saying I hadn’t done anything, to which he shouted “he didn’t get worked up like that for nothing! He’s a good guy! I've known him long before you came along! You’ve been fucking with his head! You were asking for this!” He told me to get downstairs and stay there or he'd sort me out too. Of course I left the next morning as soon as I could (the guy was still inside the wardobe) and although i seen the guy appear at situations i went to through mutual friends over the years I never stayed a friend of his nor allowed myself to be alone with him if i could help it. Sometimes if he caught me alone in a corridor or a room he’d expose himself to me whilst making a noise or telling me what i could do with it whilst smirking at me. A few days after the incident our mutual friend said he’d spoken to him after i'd gone when he'd calmed down and gave me assurances that it was an accident, we were both heated up that night, the guy wasn’t gay and he’d just gotten a bit overexcited due to me toying around with him constantly. It was an incident we never mentioned again. I was far too embarrassed - i was only in my mid teens. Plus if he or our mutual friend had told anyone about it and my family had found out they would have suspected me of being gay and ostracised me.

I've never spoken about that incident to anybody, except my ex. Not even to therapists over the years. Even the incidents whilst at school whilst still a 10 year old were something i never spoke about at all until a couple of years ago. I was scared nobody would believe me, that i was making it up. It seemed best to forget about it once it was over.

Sometimes I think that perhaps I don’t have enough experience with other men to know whether I’m gay, straight or bisexual. I haven’t tried being with another guy since i was about 20 years old. But because of my family and friends if I ever did become comfortable enough with the idea and dare to date a guy again I’d have to keep it secret. I do sometimes worry about the fact that as a teenager, when I was inclined toward the physical aspect of things, it was with other guys I shared such experiences with. Sometimes I worry that deep down I may be gay and I’m subconsciously repressing myself. I admit that I wouldn’t like to be gay and it would deeply bother me. Meanwhile my family are very much homophobic and I know a lot of them would probably shun me. Even my own mother, whom I’m quite close to. Believe me, the fact it was a close family member would make no difference to her.

Looking at what I’ve written, I can see that the situation that happened when I was just 10 with a nice yet stressed out teacher, the incident with my close male friend, and then the happenings with my recent ex, haven’t done much to make sexual intimacy seem appealing to me. I don’t get the pleasure hype surrounding it. I’m sorry, but everyone I’ve ever seen get physical ends up changing into this selfish, demanding, rough character. They lose control, they lose themselves. Once people’s hormones get all fired up they change from the caring people you know into something ugly or scary. Someone once said that “when you play with fire you can get burnt.” I find it deeply anxiety-inducing. I’ve never found sexual intimacy to be that pleasurable thing that brings you closer to someone. Its just someone getting worked up into a state of animalistic sexual autopilot who needs you to satisfy them and if you can’t, won’t, or don’t do it right then they get frustrated at you, angry. I can see why sex and violence are often never far away from each other.

Even if I did have a sex drive, I’d prefer to self-pleasure myself rather than seek the company of another person.

Kind thanks for reading, i know this is a bit long. I didn't intend it to be. Apologies.
Regards,
Gen.
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Offline Cuchculan

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #5 on: January 20, 2014, 09:55:11 AM »
Well fair to say that you clearly had a few negative experiences as far intimacy is concerned. People trying to take when you did not want to give. That could put a lot of people off such things. Or at least make you not in a hurry to want to try anything sexual out. It can be very easy to link anxiety to sex if the experiences in the past have all been bad ones. Much the same way as most of can link anxiety to anything else. It can become a trigger if we make the connection. You had made it clear with your girlfriend what you did and did not want. Then she goes and pulls that stunt and goes crazy when you try and stop her. Obviously she wanted a lot more. She may have said it didn't bother her just to be nice. Thinking you would change your mind. Or that she could make you change your mind. I think the earlier experience with the male friend what went wrong there was signals thrown out. He may have gotten the wrong idea. I do think that we have to be very careful that we don't send out the wrong signals. People do pick up on things. Maybe in the wrong way. What is a signal to come on and act on things to them, might not be one to us. So we really have to play it safe. Make sure we understand the other people. So we don't give the wrong impression. Cause it can all get out of hand very easily. As you have seen a few times. You stuck to your guns every time. You should continue to do so until such a time you feel you might want to change. That change has to be only for you. Not for anybody else.
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The Lovable Irish Rogue

Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #6 on: January 20, 2014, 01:22:40 PM »
I think you've enlightened me... this could be anxiety. My interest in it is there but is being overwhelmed by anxiety. This makes alot of sense and the more i think about it the more it explains alot of confusion.

The doctor says there nothing wrong with me physically so i can no longer try to pin the blame on that.

To be fair to me ex, we did sometimes talk about sharing intimacy one day and perhaps even losing my virginity to her, so i cannot accuse her of being unfair in her hopes/expectations. I did care about her and over time i genuinely would have liked to try and open up so she could be happy, and by extension us. I began to think trying to push myself to be more physically loving might bring us even closer together emotionally. I do deeply regret though that the particular situation i described happened... i felt it forced things far too soon, and impacted on our ability to be physical for the remainder of our time together. Whenever i sensed she was getting amorous i'd start to get anxious that she might get angry at me again if i failed. If things had gone slower then i think my anxiety might have fallen away as our bond of love and trust grew. Looking back, i bitterly regret that situation happened just a few days after we met for the first time... things were looking so promising. I don't think we ever fully recovered from it even though i tried my best to get over it so that we could get back on track. Instead i retreated further into myself.

As for the guy when i was a teenager, honestly i was more concerned about my parents finding out about us rather than what he did. Thats how bad they were. I knew i wouldn't have to put myself at any further risk as long as i kept my distance from him.

I did learn about the importance of considering the impressions we give off to others... for years i've been a very controlled, cautious person. Highly sensitive in how i behave toward others, and (not always for the best) am in turn highly sensitive to how people behave in front of me. Even if i don't like the tone of someone's voice when they say something its enough to convince me to keep the defences up. Often people come away with the impression that i'm either 1) dumb or 2) aloof because i'm rather controlled and deliberately quiet, reserved. I observe people and let them do the talking. It takes me a long time to begin to open up with others, which makes forming friendships extremely difficult. Some people have told me they got the impression i didn't really want them there or want them to get closer to me which is why they left me alone. I do notice though that when people do befriend me they tend to become extremely close to and fond of me. There's no inbetween with me! :laugh3:

Kind thanks, this has been a real help. :winking0008: Re-reading what i've written and considering the responses have made me re-assess why i'm perhaps the way i am and what the issue may really be.
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Offline ThemYenas

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #7 on: January 21, 2014, 07:27:17 AM »
(I was logged out while typing this, this may appear as a guest post, I apologize if it does)

I've gone through something similar. I know this may not be something that you're very comfortable with, but I guess being gay myself it caught my attention, so I'll just go ahead and put it out there:

In the few years before I came out I had no desire whatsoever to be intimate with/have sex with another male either, but I still "noticed" guys. I found females attractive and liked making out with, being intimate with and being in relationships with women so when I finally admitted to my world that I was attracted to other males I said I was bisexual. I still couldn't have sex with them. But as time went on and I let myself enjoy affection and touch from other males, the attraction to females gradually disappeared. I grew up homophobic too, and highly religious to until I became an adult. To get to the point, if you're consciously or unconsciously repressing any part of your sexual nature at all, it can and will affect the whole package. Of course, to completely defeat my own argument, even having come to terms with myself as a gay male, I still have issues with sex when ideas like maintaining dominance/masculinity get in the way of just letting myself go and doing what I enjoy.

You may have bi/pansexual feelings, but a fixation on doing things that feel right rather than what your super ego may want (that you may not even be aware of) may be causing you these issues. Maybe try acting on all of your attractions other than just ones to women or the idea of being in a relationship? If you act on all of your desires, you may find that other doors will open as well. In my opinion, trying new things tends to be much more enlightening than doing what you feel you want. Sometimes I wonder if our desires are merely suggestions, and our actions are what really teach us about ourselves.
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2014, 10:46:47 AM »
Hi kind thanks. :winking0008:

Yes, i realise now that this is an uncomfortable thing which i have to explore fully rather than push it to one side because there may be a possibility there i don't wish to consider.

There is actually a guy i've been writing to over the past 2 months... i met him on a mutual interest website i joined. He's quite shy and reserved but very sweet. He's only about 20 years old. I can tell though that he's interested in me. He doesn't live that far away neither. Although i've been alot more cautious and slow with things than with my ex, which progressed very quickly and intensely. Some people may say i've gotten lucky finding a younger model, lol. :laugh3: I admit i'm attracted to him.

However, i still have alot of feelings for my ex. I feel like i'm betraying all the things i said and promised to her when i occasionally flirt with him. I still love my ex... i still have dreams about her which cause me to wake up crying. I felt so hurt when we broke up because she seemed to take it really coolly, easily, and it was so hard for me. I wondered "did she ever really mean all the things she said and we did together?" and i admit i said things deliberately to try and hurt her. To provoke some kind of reaction to show me she had feelings for me. There was no real reaction. She very quickly got over me and everything we'd shared together, it seems.

I admit i was not perfect during our time together; i'm prone to depression, moods, silent periods, bitchiness/catty comments if someone has offended me, as well as almost humorous gay-like tantrums if i've been hurt. Yet i never raised my voice at her or used foul language, which i suppose i can take some pride in. I never hit her (she slapped me a few times across the face in anger). This was my first serious relationship so for the first time i got to see things about myself which i wish to work on and improve. I'm not perfect, and i want to be the best i can be for someone special to me. :winking0008:

Yet, its because of guilt and continued heartache over my ex that i gently let this guy know i'm only looking for friendship for the foreseeable future (although i am attracted to him, we have alot of common interests which i'd always thought too boring for anyone else but me to like). He's knowledgeable, he's sincere, and he's considerate: alot more considerate than my ex. For instance, a few nights ago he was due to write to me on s/kype late at night; but a couple of hours before he emailed me to say he was really sorry but his mother had decided to go to a party and he was going to go to accompany her. I was not hurt, i was not offended; its his mother after all. He blew me off - but he had the decency to warn me about it in advance. I appreciated that and told him no problem we can always write another night.

Now, if that were my ex, she would have arranged to write/talk to me say at 1am my time, then just went along to the party and not had the consideration to email, text or call me. I'd turn up at 1am and just be left to sit there feeling stupid wondering what had happened. Half an hour later she may have sent me an obscure text message - no apology, no information on if she'd be back at all on time or if i should wait on her - just a message informing me she was out, perhaps adding if she was having fun or drinking or talking to someone. Only AFTER the event would she bother to contact me. To apologise. That REALLY provoked me because it was just so damn insensitive. I'd wonder why i wasn't worth the consideration of a short text message to warn me beforehand, or even a brief call. Why i was just left to sit here feeling stupid at 1am in the morning when i could have been doing something else (ie., sleeping). Its almost like because SHE was happy, thats all that mattered.

His simple considerate behaviour (when he doesn't even have my cell number to text or call me, only a laptop with emails) is something i was so appreciative about.

Another thing my ex did was if she had agreed to write or talk to me on s/kype, if one of her friends turned up on s/kype at the same time she'd gradually sideline me and focus on her friend. I'd sit there at 1 to 4am my time, pushing myself to stay up late due to our time difference because i loved her, and she'd repay my efforts by focusing on this friend. Friends who lived in her own hometown and she could have popped over to see anytime she wanted. Yet we were far apart when she was back in Canada and these s/kype sessions were centrally important to me because they were my only link to her. yet she'd end up disappearing for 10 minutes at a time, leaving me by myself sitting there, whilst she communicated with her friends, then write or talk to me for just 40 seconds or so before i was left by myself again. I wondered if she really cared about me, frankly. She obviously didn't care about the fact i was hours ahead of her and pushing myself to stay awake so we could share time together. Its not like we were able to s/kype every night of the week. Which is why those nights we were able to be together were so important to me: i wouldn't have missed them for the world, let alone friends i could have spoken to in person anytime of the week. Friends i could have nicely said "Hey i'm sorry, i've promised to talk to my girlfriend tonight. Can we talk another time? Tomorrow evening maybe? Or perhaps i'll come round to your house and visit you tomorrow and we can talk then?" Instead, she'd inform me a friend had appeared and gradually the amount of time she spent talking or writing to me decreased until as i say she'd disappear for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, returning to write or talk to me for less than 1 minute. Yes, it caused arguments. I felt stupid and unappreciated. I began asking why i should bother staying up late (sometimes overnight so i got no sleep at all) to s/kype with her at all. It obviously wasn't valued by her. At first she was all apologies, promising me it wouldn't happen again, i was right to feel aggrieved and she'd be more considerate in future... but then the story changed to "I don't ask you to stay up late. (which was a lie) If you don't want to then don't. You may have to stay up late to talk to me but its my social life thats being affected." Eventually, i was lucky if she was sk/yping with me 2 evenings a week. Even i realised that wasn't the basis of a "relationship".

Thats another lovely difference this guy has with my ex... when he writes to me (we don't call one another, i consider it too early for that), he writes solely to me. He doesn't ask me to stay up late only to then spend most of the time writing to someone else who just happens to appear, leaving me sitting there. He is too polite to behave like that. Sometimes he has to respond to a text message or email, but he doesn't cold shoulder me for 10 or 20 minutes at a time then reappear for 30 or 40 seconds at a time before returning his focus to someone else again. If friends appear then he just politely tells them he can't talk right now.

Seriously, those small gestures are so appreciated by me because they're so CONSIDERATE! :laugh3: My ex just never did things like that.

The only problem i have is that if i ever agree to meet this guy (which would be a long way off, if this goes anywhere then its going super-slow over months and months), i'd have to keep it secret from my family/friends and i'd have to do it somewhere away from where i live. Thats not a problem, its just a hassle. ::) It would cause such a fallout if they found out i was considering taking things further with a guy. My mother in particular would flip (notoriously homophobic). Then again, the plus side is that he lives not too far away from me whereas my ex had to cross the Atlantic every time we wanted to be together in real life.

Sorry, it looks like i've went off on a rant here! :-* :laugh3:
Regards,
Gen.

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Offline Jumbelly

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2014, 12:35:38 AM »
Do yourself a favor and talk to your medical doctor. Like you said, there may be a chemical or hormonal imbalance that, once correctect, could change your life. There are environmental factors that are causing young men to have low testosterone at extremely young ages, like hormones in milk and additives in certain plastics. Also certain antidepressants like zoloft, prozac, celexa and so on can temporarily suppress testosterone, even though your doc may disagree. I've seen it first-hand.  I would definitely try to rule out  physical/ chemical causes first.
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2014, 10:38:56 PM »
GenSec,

I understand how you feel completely...my story is very similar to yours.  In fact, most people writing on this board are having relationship problems because they actually have relationships!

I've always wondered whether there were others out there like me, and it's nice to know that I am not alone with regard to relationships -- or lack thereof.  When I was younger, I used to date and have sex occasionally, but I too was never that into it.  Now, my anxiety keeps me from meeting someone.  Even if I did, I'm in the same boat as you...I don't desire a lot of physical contact.  Part of it is the medication, for sure.  But the other part of it is that I have always been a bit of a loner and have come to be quite happy without a great deal of sex. 

Like you though, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either.  I do have my dog  :yes: -- thank goodness.  She's a dachshund and hence my moniker.  But as I get older, I realize that it would be nice to have a companion.  For me, it's quite a dilemma...
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2014, 08:31:37 PM »
GenSec,

I understand how you feel completely...my story is very similar to yours.  In fact, most people writing on this board are having relationship problems because they actually have relationships!

I've always wondered whether there were others out there like me, and it's nice to know that I am not alone with regard to relationships -- or lack thereof.  When I was younger, I used to date and have sex occasionally, but I too was never that into it.  Now, my anxiety keeps me from meeting someone.  Even if I did, I'm in the same boat as you...I don't desire a lot of physical contact.  Part of it is the medication, for sure.  But the other part of it is that I have always been a bit of a loner and have come to be quite happy without a great deal of sex. 

Like you though, I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone either.  I do have my dog  :yes: -- thank goodness.  She's a dachshund and hence my moniker.  But as I get older, I realize that it would be nice to have a companion.  For me, it's quite a dilemma...

Hi DL, kind thanks. :winking0008: I must say, your choice of profile pic is adorable! :laugh3:

Hm, maybe i should take what you're saying and try to turn my present situation around into a positive by telling myself that i'm free of alot of the problems that so many poor folks here are having because i'm no longer in a relationship... way to attempt turning my personal defeat right around into a positive, lol! :laugh:

Like you i find anxiety holds me back too, although i am a bit of a social person... i like company. I can be fine on my own for periods of time but i don't like to be on my own most of the time. When it comes to potentially meeting someone i like though my anxiety goes into overdrive... i cannot settle down. That, added to my lack of interest in physical contact, usually scuppers any attempt to take things further. I don't know, i think the whole physical/desire aspect of relationships is overrated, particularly these days where everything seems to focus on lust, excitement and the pursuit of the perfect human body. In some respects i'd even say its getting unhealthy. It can get in the way of love and companionship.

I've never came across a Dachshund in real life but they look like lovely wee things! :happy0062: I have a Russian Blue to keep me company, although he seems to spend most of the day dozing. However he's picked up the habit of his owner in one regard... he doesn't like to be alone for to long! He'll follow you from room to room around the house. He enjoys being spoken to just as much as being picked up... if he's desperate for conversation he'll yowl until you start speaking, then he'll sit or hunker down, stare at you, and purr away. Well, at least he's happy! :laugh3:

Well, i'd reassure you that if there are guys like me in the world then there then there must be others exactly the same out there who would appreciate you just the way you are... so finding the ideal male companion thats right for you is a very real prospect. The fact that you shared your own story here reassures me that i need not settle for a life alone without someone special that would be happy with me for the person i am neither. I wish you well! :winking0008: 

Regards,
Gen.
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #12 on: January 27, 2014, 10:28:58 PM »
GenSec, thanks for your reply and nice words! (and yes, the squirrel profile pic is cute...I love animals)

I'm not sure which position is worse...ours or the other people typically on this board who have all sorts of marital and relationship issues.  Surely a psychiatrist would say that you and I must have "issues" to feel as we do, and they would probably be right in some regard. 

At least you are outgoing and prefer company.  I actually don't prefer company unless it's with a few close friends.  In other words, I'm not a social butterfly or one of those people that has 500 friends on ***** or something.  I wouldn't even want that because I couldn't find the time to entertain a zillion people.  My life is busy enough.  B-;

But you are right about how everyone is obsessed with the pursuit of a perfect face/body and that adds to my anxiety about going on a date.  I feel like the person would be really disappointed.  And what REALLY turns me off about sexual relationships and also causes anxiety about dating is that everyone is consumed with comparing their partner to previous partners.  It's like you are being rated and if you don't do every act in the book, then you are seen as "bad in the sack" or a bore or whatever.  I already have anxiety...I don't need more of it with a partner who is lying in bed thinking "wow...that was boring" or "that was the worst lay of my life."  So I suppose it's just easier to not date, but by not having someone around as companionship, I feel like I'm missing something.

There's the whole thing of growing old alone, but also there's financial benefits to having a partner.  You don't fee like you are shouldering everything and you can support each other.  Those are the things that concern me most. 

At any rate, I'm not sure where on earth people like you and I would find partners.  I have YET to meet anyone like you or I.  In the meantime, I have my adorable doxie, and she's like a kid to me.  I dote on her and she makes me smile when I'm sad and I adore her.  It's nice to know you have a furry companion as well...they are priceless.

thanks for your post...I wonder if there are others on this board who have the same issues.

Cheers!
DL
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Offline GenSec

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #13 on: January 28, 2014, 05:52:50 PM »
Hi DL,

Here in Scotland our native squirrel is the Red Squirrel. :winking0008: Its been in decline here for a long time though and its not that common to spot one... i have, once. From my very own window! :o

Although i say i'm sociable and prefer company, that doesn't extend to a wide range of people... just family, and a few close friends. Amongst strangers or people i'm not well acquainted with my anxiety often comes across as aloofness or disinterest. But as those who have come to know me well will tell you, once i am at ease enough to loosen up i am a talkative, chatty person who will even make humour. :winking0008: So, although i do prefer company i guess i'm not that outgoing as such! :laugh3: I don't even have things like a face/book: that sort of thing just doesn't appeal to me. It comes across as very superficial.

And yes, believe me i know what you mean concerning being compared to previous partners... my ex fell into that habit so many times even she felt moved to apologise about how often she'd end up banging on about him, even over intimate/sexual matters. It didn't matter that he was a confident guy with plenty of prior experience whilst she knew before she got with me that i was a reserved virgin; a world of difference. The necessary patience was lacking. I began to feel like i'd known the guy personally myself. She swore i was so much better a partner than he ever was so there was nothing for me to worry about, though i must say it usually didn't feel like that. The bad stories she told me about his behaviour didn't seem to dim her overall impression of him that much. The feeling of being compared to someone intimately was very new to me, yet certainly made me feel inadequate sometimes. Frankly i'm glad to be free of all that.

As for the financial benefits of having a companion, i cannot say that factors into my plans very much, lol! :laugh: I'm a bit of a romantic i guess... if it ain't purely for love then i'm not going there! :angel-smiley-006:

Even though you've told me you're middle aged, its not too late for you to meet someone like me! :happy0062: You sound like a sincere, caring and articulate lady and i'm sure someone with the capacity to see you for who you are would appreciate sharing life with someone like you.

Regards,
Gen.
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Offline Doxie Lover

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Re: Delicate problem with relationships.
« Reply #14 on: January 31, 2014, 07:39:37 PM »
Thank you GenSec...kind words from a kind fellow!

It sounds to me like your girlfriend wasn't much of a girlfriend with all the things that you mentioned.  I know you still love her, but she wasn't patient with you, compared you to others, and I guess generally didn't treat you well.  I apply the same philosophy to an intimate partner as I would friends:  if they aren't worth having around, then they aren't worth keeping!  :yes:

And about the financial benefits, I didn't mean to say that I would be with someone for that reason, lest I came across as shallow or a gold-digger.  What I meant is that it is nice for two people to look after eachother financially and be a support for eachother in that regard.  If you are living at home with your parents, it probably doesn't factor in to your life right now but one day it might.  When I was young, it wasn't a consideration either.  But I think as you get older, and things get more expensive (housing, gas [as we call it here in the U.S.], food, etc.), you realize that people who have partners have an easier life.  They share expenses and often, have money left over to save for retirement.  In the U.S., having savings for retirement is key because the government isn't going to do anything for you -- we don't have a fully socialized system as they do in other countries.  So if you don't have money for retirement, you pretty much are on the street.  For many here, that consideration ALONE is enough to stay with someone, although I would not if I were not happy.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, not sure there are too many of our kind out there or where we would find such people, but it was nice to finally meet someone with the same issues.

Cheers!
DL
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