Hi kind thanks.
Yes, i realise now that this is an uncomfortable thing which i have to explore fully rather than push it to one side because there may be a possibility there i don't wish to consider.
There is actually a guy i've been writing to over the past 2 months... i met him on a mutual interest website i joined. He's quite shy and reserved but very sweet. He's only about 20 years old. I can tell though that he's interested in me. He doesn't live that far away neither. Although i've been alot more cautious and slow with things than with my ex, which progressed very quickly and intensely. Some people may say i've gotten lucky finding a younger model, lol.
I admit i'm attracted to him.
However, i still have alot of feelings for my ex. I feel like i'm betraying all the things i said and promised to her when i occasionally flirt with him. I still love my ex... i still have dreams about her which cause me to wake up crying. I felt so hurt when we broke up because she seemed to take it really coolly, easily, and it was so hard for me. I wondered "did she ever really mean all the things she said and we did together?" and i admit i said things deliberately to try and hurt her. To provoke some kind of reaction to show me she had feelings for me. There was no real reaction. She very quickly got over me and everything we'd shared together, it seems.
I admit i was not perfect during our time together; i'm prone to depression, moods, silent periods, bitchiness/catty comments if someone has offended me, as well as almost humorous gay-like tantrums if i've been hurt. Yet i never raised my voice at her or used foul language, which i suppose i can take some pride in. I never hit her (she slapped me a few times across the face in anger). This was my first serious relationship so for the first time i got to see things about myself which i wish to work on and improve. I'm not perfect, and i want to be the best i can be for someone special to me.
Yet, its because of guilt and continued heartache over my ex that i gently let this guy know i'm only looking for friendship for the foreseeable future (although i am attracted to him, we have alot of common interests which i'd always thought too boring for anyone else but me to like). He's knowledgeable, he's sincere, and he's considerate: alot more considerate than my ex. For instance, a few nights ago he was due to write to me on s/kype late at night; but a couple of hours before he emailed me to say he was really sorry but his mother had decided to go to a party and he was going to go to accompany her. I was not hurt, i was not offended; its his mother after all. He blew me off - but he had the decency to warn me about it in advance. I appreciated that and told him no problem we can always write another night.
Now, if that were my ex, she would have arranged to write/talk to me say at 1am my time, then just went along to the party and not had the consideration to email, text or call me. I'd turn up at 1am and just be left to sit there feeling stupid wondering what had happened. Half an hour later she may have sent me an obscure text message - no apology, no information on if she'd be back at all on time or if i should wait on her - just a message informing me she was out, perhaps adding if she was having fun or drinking or talking to someone. Only AFTER the event would she bother to contact me. To apologise. That REALLY provoked me because it was just so damn insensitive. I'd wonder why i wasn't worth the consideration of a short text message to warn me beforehand, or even a brief call. Why i was just left to sit here feeling stupid at 1am in the morning when i could have been doing something else (ie., sleeping). Its almost like because SHE was happy, thats all that mattered.
His simple considerate behaviour (when he doesn't even have my cell number to text or call me, only a laptop with emails) is something i was so appreciative about.
Another thing my ex did was if she had agreed to write or talk to me on s/kype, if one of her friends turned up on s/kype at the same time she'd gradually sideline me and focus on her friend. I'd sit there at 1 to 4am my time, pushing myself to stay up late due to our time difference because i loved her, and she'd repay my efforts by focusing on this friend. Friends who lived in her own hometown and she could have popped over to see anytime she wanted. Yet we were far apart when she was back in Canada and these s/kype sessions were centrally important to me because they were my only link to her. yet she'd end up disappearing for 10 minutes at a time, leaving me by myself sitting there, whilst she communicated with her friends, then write or talk to me for just 40 seconds or so before i was left by myself again. I wondered if she really cared about me, frankly. She obviously didn't care about the fact i was hours ahead of her and pushing myself to stay awake so we could share time together. Its not like we were able to s/kype every night of the week. Which is why those nights we were able to be together were so important to me: i wouldn't have missed them for the world, let alone friends i could have spoken to in person anytime of the week. Friends i could have nicely said "Hey i'm sorry, i've promised to talk to my girlfriend tonight. Can we talk another time? Tomorrow evening maybe? Or perhaps i'll come round to your house and visit you tomorrow and we can talk then?" Instead, she'd inform me a friend had appeared and gradually the amount of time she spent talking or writing to me decreased until as i say she'd disappear for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, returning to write or talk to me for less than 1 minute. Yes, it caused arguments. I felt stupid and unappreciated. I began asking why i should bother staying up late (sometimes overnight so i got no sleep at all) to s/kype with her at all. It obviously wasn't valued by her. At first she was all apologies, promising me it wouldn't happen again, i was right to feel aggrieved and she'd be more considerate in future... but then the story changed to "I don't ask you to stay up late. (which was a lie)
If you don't want to then don't. You may have to stay up late to talk to me but its my social life thats being affected." Eventually, i was lucky if she was sk/yping with me 2 evenings a week. Even i realised that wasn't the basis of a "relationship".
Thats another lovely difference this guy has with my ex... when he writes to me (we don't call one another, i consider it too early for that), he writes solely to me. He doesn't ask me to stay up late only to then spend most of the time writing to someone else who just happens to appear, leaving me sitting there. He is too polite to behave like that. Sometimes he has to respond to a text message or email, but he doesn't cold shoulder me for 10 or 20 minutes at a time then reappear for 30 or 40 seconds at a time before returning his focus to someone else again. If friends appear then he just politely tells them he can't talk right now.
Seriously, those small gestures are so appreciated by me because they're so CONSIDERATE!
My ex just never did things like that.
The only problem i have is that if i ever agree to meet this guy (which would be a long way off, if this goes anywhere then its going super-slow over months and months), i'd have to keep it secret from my family/friends and i'd have to do it somewhere away from where i live. Thats not a problem, its just a hassle.
It would cause such a fallout if they found out i was considering taking things further with a guy. My mother in particular would flip (notoriously homophobic). Then again, the plus side is that he lives not too far away from me whereas my ex had to cross the Atlantic every time we wanted to be together in real life.
Sorry, it looks like i've went off on a rant here!