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Author Topic: I would just like reassurance....  (Read 279 times)

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Offline Alvie22

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I would just like reassurance....
« on: January 13, 2014, 12:08:37 AM »
Over the past few months, I have noticed some changes in my over all physical health. Some mornings after waking up from sleep, I would feel so dizzy, and some mornings I would feel normal. I would shrug it off because being a 19 year old (now 20), I had other things to worry about. In the final week of November, I began to notice that my sleeping was beginning to get a little weird. I would sleep, but wake up feeling like I had been awake the whole time. As time went by, it slowly got worse. One night, I found myself trying to fall asleep, only to be awakened every time by my heart pumping rapidly. After struggling for about 2 hours, I finally slept at around 3 am. While I am able to sleep, I awake up in the mornings, feeling more tired than the previous day. People notice it on my face, especially at work. I just feel like I don't get enough rest. I used to be able to take naps during the day, but when I try now, I can't even sleep for 5 minutes and I used to take 2 hour naps. My eye sight is slowly getting worse, I am starting to see blurry, and I see lights after looking at things that are bright and what not. It's funny to me. My family is known for being able to stay up until dawn, and despite that, I took pride in the fact that if I tried, I would be the first one knocked out. It makes me feel so nostalgic, I feel like crying but, I can't even cry anymore. I just feel so convinced I have Sporadic Fatal Insomnia. This isn't like all the other things I ever worried about in my life. I can't just sleep and hope that it will all go away the next day like with all my other problems, because sleeping is the difficulty. I find that death isn't what I am afraid of at all. If death is inevitable, then let it come. I don't care about that. I just feel like I....I had so many things left to do. I want to accomplish many things. I have dreams that so many may find completely stupid or simplistic, but to me they are my dreams. I am afraid of not being able to do that. I am afraid of not being able to be there for my family. Not being in their lives anymore, not being able to share the  laughs that we could have had. Not being able to see my niece and nephew grow up. Not being able to see my mom and dad care for the grandchildren I could have gave them. Not being able to see my brother become the artist he wants to become, or have my sister give me the advice she always gives me as I would have grown older. It just feels so helpless. I don't want to be missing in the lives of all the people that I have impacted. I feel like that would be so selfish. To just leave their lives like that. But what choice is there when death is eminent? Sometimes, when I am out and I see people that have a disability, I pray so hard to God, that if it were possible, that person and I could switch bodies, yet I could keep my conditions, so that person could be happy. They could make better use of what I can't. I know that sounds so stupid but it feels like I am just a waste. I mask all my emotion when hanging out with my friends, because I am known to be a cheerful person, one that can make you laugh even if you are down. If I do have this extremely  rare disease, so be God's will, I will gladly die and give back to the earth that birthed me. If anyone bothered to read all of this, I thank you for taking some of your valuable time and reading my little emotional spill. I hope that whatever illness afflicts you, you can over come it and let it become a story you can tell your loved ones in the future. That you can look back at it, and laugh about it with a smile. Once again thanks, and God Bless.
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Online Cuchculan

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Re: I would just like reassurance....
« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2014, 06:03:04 AM »
Fair to say you are just having a tough time of it right now. But no matter how bad things may seem, there is always a road back. It may not feel that way when you are down. Because when we are down it is like everything goes against us. We just need to find that little bit of belief in ourselves. In our own abilities. If the mind can work against us, as it seems to be doing right now in your case, it can also work for us. We just have to learn how to use it in the correct way. That might involve some type of therapy. To help us to learn new ways to deal with the anxiety when it is thrown at us. Your problem is sleep. First off you are not dying. You won't die either. Not yet anyway. Maybe when you are old and grey. What we have to try and do is make the bedroom a safe place for you. Once anxiety kicks in with sleep or lack of sleep we can begin to hate the bedroom. The whole comfort side of things in the bedroom goes out of the window. So maybe we can make a few changes as to how the bedroom looks to begin with. I know this won't help with sleep. But it will be a change. Something fresh to look at. Not the same old boring bedroom. As for sleep itself. Few things we can try. Exercises before bed. Anxiety is like an energy. So a bit of work out before bed. Not saying to go mad and push yourself too hard. Small exercises. Now one thing I always use in the bedroom is a radio. Because once in bed if the room is silent we can let our mind roam. Once that happens we begin to think inwardly. That is never a good thing. So to have the distraction of a radio on would be something worth a try. Now important note to self, never ever try and force yourself to go asleep. Once you start this off you will spend more and more time awake and angry at yourself. Even if it doesn't feel like sleep is going to happen stay in bed. Don't get up and pace the room. Keep your eyes closed. Focus on your breathing. Keep things nice and calm. Stay relaxed. I know I wake a few times nightly. I just stay calm and soon I am back off to sleep again. So don't get frustrated if you wake up. Just breathe. In slowly. Back out again. This is something you can learn too. How to breathe in the correct way. To slow things down. That way you are taken full control of the situation. It may take time and hard work. But you can get it right. You can still have that life you want. See your Nephews and Nieces grow up and play with them too. That is the reward for getting things right. Just believe in yourself. If you have to see a therapist then do so. Make things right. We are always here for you.
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Offline tamsankaur

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Re: I would just like reassurance....
« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2014, 02:01:25 PM »
I would firstly just want to start off by saying that nothing will happen to you. Anxiety, though not pleasant, will not kill you! Trust me, there are people who have had anxiety for years and they are still up and running The first thing you have to understand is that anxiety, like happiness, is a feeling. It's an emotion. You won't die of happiness and in the same way you can not die of anxiety. It's just a feeling. You cannot let a feeling control you. That is one of the things that I always remind myself when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and feel like there is no way out.

Secondly, a lot of times when we experience anxiety we feel like so much has changed within us. I always feel like that as well, but people around us still see us the same way. The reason for that is not because "they don't know any better," it's because you really are just the same person you were before. When I get anxious for a couple of days, I start to think about the old me. I feel like crying when I think about all of that as well. Like you I am 19 years old, soon turning 20, and I have had a pretty easy life before anxiety happened. I was always happy and running around like crazy solving other people's problems in the best way I could. I took great pride in that. I didn't think something like anxiety could happen to me. I always thought I was "too strong" and "too positive" for that. Needless, to say I wasn't strong at all and being positive at that time was easy because I didn't seem to have problems that were existent to begin with. Now cutting to the chase, we don't change much. It's just that we feel like we have changed so much because we keep thinking about everything that is not as it was before. I woke up one day and started to cry about how I couldn't fall back to sleep because of my anxiety and then felt sad that I was crying over how so much has changed because there I was crying about not being able to sleep, which I never did before. Then I began to think and realized, every single time I don't get my full 8 hours of sleep, I always wake irritated, sad and cry just a bit because "I want to sleep more, but because life is so hard I have to wake up." It's through small incidents like those that I really realize that everything is a figment of my imagination. I have not changed and I am probably just about the same as I was before. It's just my mind playing small tricks with me, to make me feel sad and upset. I have even asked my mom if she has seen changes in me. She doesn't see a thing. She and everyone else my house still sees the same person in me. I am probably still the same girl that runs around the house making tons of noise. I haven't lost any of those tendencies. I just don't realize I do all of that anymore because I am so focused on something else.

Lastly, everything will be okay. If things are sad, they can just as soon become happier. We are humans, therefore, we are not devoid of pleasure and happiness. Even though you may be going through a tough time doesn't mean you cannot ever be happy. I can assure you that there is probably something that can make smile or feel a little bit happy throughout the day. I am sure when you come across something beautiful you can pass a small smile. You may not realize it, but there are small things that happen throughout our day that make us happy such as; you may hear something funny or someone may tell a joke or you may have watched something funny. You just have to open your windows and let the light shine through. Even though you are sad, you won't spend your entire day feeling horrible. There will be small moments in your day that will make you feel happier. We don't always realize that when things aren't going smoothly, but that doesn't mean that those smiles or moments don't exist or happen anymore. Try searching for them. I am sure you will find plenty. I hope you feel better and realize that life isn't all bad. Nothing is ever black or white. You have to see the gray in order to be happy. Things will get better. Don't worry about later, just enjoy today. I am having a good day today and that is all I care about. Whatever happens tomorrow is something I will deal with tomorrow. No amount of worrying will help me fix what is going to go wrong tomorrow. Tomorrow will have it's own challenges and that is something I will find out and deal with tomorrow. No need to stress over it today!

Good luck!

Tamsan :)
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Offline CarrieAnn

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Re: I would just like reassurance....
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2014, 02:50:40 PM »
Hi Alvie, well in reading your post it doesn't sound like you are dying, it sounds like you are depressed. Thoughts of death, feeling hopeless, insomnia..these are some of the symptoms I have when I am falling into a depressed state.

Insomnia is the most prominent symptom I get when I am depressed, but I have wondered what comes first---does the insomnia come from being depressed, or am I depressed because I have insomnia. It seems as though a great nights sleep does wonders for my mood though.

My advice for you is to either seek treatment, counseling or meds., or if you want to take the self-help route, engaging in regular exercise has been shown to be as effective for improving anxiety and depression symptoms--and may help with you insomnia :)
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Offline Alvie22

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Re: I would just like reassurance....
« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2014, 10:39:36 PM »
Thank you all for you all for your kind words of encouragement. I guess nothing has impacted my life as much as this has. I don't know if it's just me, but praying to God gives me strength. It's funny that I used to be slowly becoming agnostic, and then, just before this severe depression began, I once again turned to God. I'm glad I have people here who were kind enough to listen to me. I can't tell my parents because it only breaks their hearts, and the last thing I want to do is burden my parents more than they are already suffering from their own illnesses. I hope that this is just some phase that I am going through, cause I sure do want to do so many more things with my life. What tamsankaur said, about remembering the old you, I'm glad that it isn't just me who feels that way. It sure does hurt, to remember the way you used to be, and then look at yourself in the mirror now, and realize that you just don't see the same person anymore. I sometimes feel surges of strength and courage, but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling that my time here is almost done. I did always tell my parents, and people I know for that matter that I always had this strange feeling that I would die young. I've felt that for as long as I can remember. Perhaps I was right. You guys on the forum are amazing, and I can't thank you enough for hearing me out and obviously, for giving me advice. I can't explain it, but knowing that there are people like you guys out there make me feel a bit of peace. Once again, thank you! May God bless all of you with great health for the rest of your lives!
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