Hi everyone! I apologize for posting so much today, you're all probably very sick of me, but I could really use some answers and support.
I've had solely hypochondria, panic disorder, and unwanted obsessive thoughts for the majority of my life and I'm now a high schooler. Never have I suffered from depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm, or any kind of mania/psychosis. I have always been quite the perfectionist- my grades are always As, I always try to look my best, and I always have to do the absolute best job I can for any given task. People surrounding me (friends,teachers) tell me they had absolutely no clue that I have anxiety when I tell them that I do, and they say that I seem 100% normal, which is reassuring in a way I guess. But since the end of October, my anxiety has been very very bad, and I once again had to start seeing a therapist after having an extremely good year where I had little to no anxiety and I was truly happy- I'd wake up every morning and thank God for making me so happy. But anyways, I started to see my therapist at the end of October, and the first thing that was suggested by the head of the practice was that I start medication. My family and I were very against it as I barely ever take medications, I'm healthy and I've never even been on antibiotics before. So we said that we'd stick it out until it seems necessary to be on meds. I was seeing my therapist off schedule (every 2/3 weeks) as he has recently started working only one day, yet it wasn't helping. So, much to my family and I's discontent, I started taking Zoloft exactly 22 days ago. I was put on 20ml/mg, and almost immediately, I started to feel some super weird side effects and intense anxiety. I had nausea, diarrhea, lightheadedness, fatigue, insomnia, and worst of all, I continually got these feelings that make me feel "crazy", almost like I'm about to lose control, and honestly, it's terrifying. And recently, I have also been suffering depersonilization, major depression (something I've never ever had- I can barely get out of bed) and I've seen a return in my unwanted obsessive thoughts/fears about *****, and this time, I'm scared that they're real, as I read that Zoloft in teens can cause audial thoughts and *****. I guess you could say I did a fair amount of reading on Zoloft side effects, and it absolutely terrified me, especially in the initial few days that I started taking it. I so greatly feared that I would somehow become crazy from this medicine and somehow harm myself or others, and this is absolute torture, as I've always had a fear of losing control and going crazy, and the medicine has only intensified my fears. I basically spent all of break sitting at home (not once did I see any of my friends, and this is strange as I've never had any social issues and I'd say that I'm friendly with almost everyone- I hope that doesn't sound cocky at all) and it really started to take a toll on me. I found it harder and harder to leave the house, also something that has never really been an issue with me. I started Zoloft for the treatment of my EMETEPHOBIA (the fear of vomiting) but instead of being cured of that, it's made my anxiety 1,000 times worse, and now instead of emetephobia (which I am now desensitized to as I have suffered every type of nausea and diarrhea possible ever since I started this medication, all without vomiting) I have an intense fear/feeling that I am going crazy. It's the only thing I think about, and my thoughts race so severely that I become dizzy and I feel like I'm out of my body (depersonilization). So anyways, I started school this Monday, and it was absolutely horrible. I had a major panic attack about 30 minutes into the day, and I immediately rushed up to guidance (where my parents were coincidentally having a meeting with the school psychologist and guidance councelor about a possible 504 plan and dealing with my anxiety in school, as it often makes me miss class due to time in the nurse from panic attacks) and burst into tears. When my parents came out of the guidance office, I literally felt like I was losing my mind/losing control, and it was the most terrifying thing ever. My mind was racing so fast and I felt like I was out of my body, and I even asked my mom to take me to the hospital because I was that scared. I cried uncontrollably for another 30 minutes and then my parents left, and I spent about 2 hours talking to the school psychologist, which helped a little. I continued on with my day, yet I had another episode where I felt as if I was crazy and it was terrifying, so we went to my PhD who prescribed the medicine and she told me that I was just having panic attacks, but I know what a panic attack feels like, and these episodes certainly do entail panic but they don't feel like a panic attack. I additionally was not able to go to school Thursday or Friday due to a new Vitamin D supplement gummy I started taking (I now stopped it as it made me really sick to my stomach, but my doctor had suggested it as I tested to have 14/50-60 of the Vitamin D I need, which could be worsening my anxiety, and may be why I see an increase in my anxiety during the winter) and starting Thursday is when I truly felt as I was losing it and I was honestly really depressed. I didn't want to do anything that required any effort, such as school work, getting dressed, doing my makeup/hair- all of which are things I normally enjoy doing. So here I am at 5:30 am writing because I woke up into a panic attack a bit earlier and my obsessive worry thoughts about ***** felt uncontrollable (I was still half asleep, while at the same time, my mind was racing, so it was pretty scary) and now I'm fully awake so I can control my thoughts now, but my mind is still spinning, as you may be able to tell through my writing, which I hope doesn't sound crazy
On another note, I had a severe bout of anxiety (I'm hoping it was just a panic attack) where I felt super depersonalized and as if I was losing control, so I broke down to my mom and told her that my life is a living hell because of this medication and that I need to stop it, as it's been 2+ weeks and I've seen no improvement, only uninprovement. She agreed and so did my dad, as they've both seen that I've changed a lot since I've taken the medicine, and that I've been crying on a daily basis (when I used to cry every other month or so about normal things like any other normal teenager) and that I've been missing out on a lot of things I used to enjoy. We called my PhD and she said that she was surprised that such a low dose (it's even subtheraputic) would be causing me so many issues (which scared me, because what if it'd not from the medicine but actually me going nuts..) but she said I could quit taking it cold turkey because it's such a low dose. It was quite a relief to be off if, and I actually relaxed and felt sane for a good 6/7 hours and had some good laughs and quality time with my parents, but when I was alone in my bed once again, everything resumed and I couldn't sleep, I was shaking, and a bunch of other unpleasant things such as racing thoughts and (pretty much) terror. I am beyond terrified that I am 100% losing my mind as it really feels that I am, and it really feels like there's some kind of impending doom that I will soon be facing, much to my distress. I do not like being this miserable at all, I feel hopeless and weak and as if there's no help- and I've never ever felt this way. I feel like I am somehow going to have a huge major breakdown and have it be horrible.
So I guess my main questions are,
-Does it sound like I'm going nuts?
-Is it possible that the medicine has caused all of this? (Something which I'm hopeful for, as that would mean it will go away soon as I won't be taking the Zoloft any longer, and actually, I have a family history on both sides of bad reactions to medication as we are all healthy, and actually, my aunt was on Zoloft and she also experienced major depersonilization, and she stopped taking it- only 12.5mg/mL after just a week! I didn't get that far into it with her, but now I know my family doesn't really do well with meds)
-Is it possible that I convinced myself of all of this by my googling of side effects and extreme distress over it?
-If I'm actually going crazy, what am I supposed to do?
-Should I go to a hospital? I feel like I'd feel more safe there, as I'm terrified at home, even though I hate hospitals and I've never even been to one.
-If all of this is from medication, how long will it take for all of these feelings to go away?
-**What should I do?**
-Is there some kind of online therapist/talk line I could call to get real advice or confirmation that I'm not crazy?
If it's helpful, here's a list of all the abnormal things I've noticed since I started on Zoloft:
-Complete loss of appetite for two weeks
-Episodes that feel like I'm losing control (I never do, but terrifying nonetheless!) that normally result in crying, panicking, and a rush throughout my whole body which feels extremely weird.
-The return of my obsessive thoughts/fears about *****, harming someone/myself, losing control, or doing something against my beliefs
-Thoughts that seem to have turned into possible real suicidal thoughts, which scares me very much, as I thought I would never ever have this.
-Crying spells/increased crying and emotions
-A loss of myself (I no longer feel like normal me, I feel very strange, uptight, and not normal almost constantly and I hate it)
-A loss of interest in things I used to love such as basketball,volleyball, hanging out with friends, dressing up in cute outfits, playing guitar, shopping, photography, and more
-Unable to relax at home (something I've never had an issue with, yet now I can never calm myself down, and I'm not really calmed by anyone anymore, which scares me even more)
-Spiraling fears (What if I go crazy at school -> I might hurt someone -> I don't want to hurt someone -> I might hurt myself -> But I don't want to hurt myself -> They'll call an ambulance -> I hate ambulances and hospitals -> I'll be admitted into a hospital -> I don't want to be admitted into a hospital, that means I'm crazy -> I'll be the talk of the town -> I'll lose my friends -> No one will be able to help me -> I'll absolutely lose control -> In some way I'll reach doom and something will get really bad -> I'll "snap" and lose it.
-A very light period with very bad cramps (I'm not sure if that's even related, but I got my period today and I'm in a lot of pain, which I normally am not)
-Having a hard time going to school, being able to do schoolwork/stay in class (All of which have never been an issue)
-Very new fear of leaving the house/somewhere public such as school or a store where I may go crazy and have everyone thing I'm nuts
-The feeling that I somehow need to release these emotions and feelings
-I feel sort of disconnected from my life and everyone in it (Which panics me as isn't that a symptom of craziness)
Things I'm not experiencing:
-An actual point where I have lost control and hurt somebody/myself
-Any acting upon my obsessive fears/thoughts
Things I am now doing:
-Starting a new pure vitamin D supplement with no additives that cause diarrhea
-Starting CBT this coming week
-Continuing to see my regular therapist
-Getting tested for MTHFR, a gene mutation which causes anxiety that my aunt got tested for and has
-Staying very honest with my parents about how I feel and being supported by them
I'm just really stressed and I feel like everything is to the point of no return. Finals are in a week and I can't handle those on top of all of this, I just really need some help, comfort, or some kind of release where I can actually calm myself and feel normal once again. Help me